Day 18 Blowing my Own Horn

Hi Y'all!

My stress levels could have jumped off the scale this week. On Tuesday, mediation failed to let me keep my house here in FL, and I was informed that foreclosure would proceed. It wasn't a shock, and it wasn't traumatic, though it was a bit surprising that the bank was only willing to make the situation worse and not better. They're going to lose a lot of money.

My stepson Bill (the night before mediation) generously offered for my husband and I to move into his home (with our 3 dogs) in Binghamton NY and live there rent free. Hubby and I decided this would be the opportunity to downsize, so we decided to get rid of more than 1/2 our furniture and to really clean out our possessions. We started immediately, cleaning out some clogged kitchen cabinets and a dining room hutch. We had a wildly successful yard sale yesterday where we unexpectedly sold a bunch of furniture and other stuff. More sales will follow but we're off to a good start.

Through it all (after an initial round of tears on Tuesday) I have been pretty calm and organized. I have expressed emotions of fear and overwhelment when they have come up. I have dug deep to see what else may be hiding, but I think I'm OK.

However, with all that said, my TMS has been terrible! My back was spasming last night (even though I only did very light work at the yard sale) and I can hardly walk today. I'm trying to accept that it is what it is, but I'm getting tired of this. How good does my attitude have to get before this backs off? I feel like the poster child for stress management!

 

I'm really sorry about the foreclosure. It totally makes sense that you'd be having TMS pain right now--I think because you are managing the stress so well, having such a good attitude, being positive, you're probably repressing a lot of emotions.

Be kind to yourself.

 

Hi Veronica,

You're probably right, but I'm trying really hard not to repress anything. I sit in the kitchen while my husband makes dinner and share my fears and concerns, the things I'm struggling to let go of, etc. But losing your home probably has some very primal links to the subconscious. At any rate, I keep going, mainly because I have to.

 

Good luck, Patti.

 

Oh, Patti - that's a HUGE bummer all around, I'm so sorry.

I was really struck by what you said:

And this might be the key - as Veronica also said. Remember what Dr. Sarno taught us: it's the goodists that get sick!

It's great that you're giving yourself credit for holding up well under this massive stress, and maybe I am jumping in too soon without knowing your full story, but if I've learned anything from Dr. Sarno, it's to ask "Where is the rage?"

You're putting up a good front, you're saying Yes to everything that's being thrown at you, and sure, you've got a lot to be thankful for.... but aren't you bloody well pissed off?

You talk about your fears - but I'm guessing that maybe your brain is afraid of something much worse - it's petrified of letting you feel the real rage - and it's not about to let you do that.

Have you ever expressed your rage at the stupid bank? How about writing them a no-holds-barred letter, and while you're at it, please be sure to blame the entire financial industry for this crisis that they caused. You don't have to send it - but you need to write it. You seem to be such a nice person, I have a feeling this will be hard for you, so I'd like to hear that you were able to get down and dirty and use foul language, because I can assure you that they deserve it.

As you're writing to the faceless bank, maybe some other rage will start to show through the cracks - I would highly recommend paying attention - because that's where the real stuff is. It's scary, and you won't want to look at it, but it's where the pain is coming from.

I just watched a great video by Dr. Gabor Mate which Jilly posted here: http://tmswiki.org/forum/media/dr-gabor-maté-how-stress-can-cause-disease.39/
and I'm kind of proselytizing recently because I think the man is so brilliant and life-affirming even though he talks about difficult situations. His book is called "When The Body Says NO". A longer version of the title could be "When You Won't Say No, Your Body Will Eventually Say No For You" I recommend the video to you, because I think you might be one of those people who doesn't know how to say No. The video is a great companion to his book.

Or I might be totally wrong about all of this - but, as Dr. Mate recommends in his video, I'm going on gut instinct.

Keep us posted, Patty!

Jan

 

Thanks Jan. You're right - rage is the one emotion that I haven't allowed myself. I simply have too much to do in a short period of time, and rage can really use it up.
But I like your idea of writing a letter and will do it, complete with foul language and all that. In the meantime, I may have a physical cause for TMS-like symptoms. Keep an eye out for the post that I'll put up this morning...

Thanks!

 

Hi Patti -

Words cannot express how you must be feeling - so your body will. Just an interesting note to add is related to the clearing of the basement, etc. When I go to clear old stuff in my basement, the back pain starts up again, even when I am not doing that much physical work. I recently realized that it was all of the old stuff that brought back memories of the past that was causing the back pain; our basements are a metaphor for the deeply repressed histories we carry of what is no longer. Maybe that caused your back pain, too. seeing items of earlier days - remnants of old happy memories even- can make you sad and angry inside that you've lost those good days. selling your memories may have been releasing, but perhaps it brought you sadness? Hope all works out well for you and your family. Let us know how you're doing.

 

I just had a significant financial disappointment - just told myself it aint cancer!!

Years back we sold everything but our photo albums so we could travel - we felt so light and happy with nothing to tie us down