Being OK with Anger?

[Freedom]

So one of the ideas in TMS is to not repress the rage/anger. I just listened to Alan Gordon talking about it in the session with Dustin. I have to say I was pretty shocked how he has the client in detail describe what they wanted to do. I felt uncomfortable listening to it. The thought I had was "if someone else heard me listening to this, they'd think I was crazy." How do you normalize this (the anger) so you feel ok with expressing it to yourself?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I think you start by saying less "surprising" things at first. Start slow, and sense into your body. Now that you have a template of what can be said (from Gordon's session), experiment as you feel the juices starting to flow, as your anger increases. The main impediment is the superego, which may need to be disengaged from in order to feel empowered enough to feel the anger and use the words which this anger might like to use. Remember, the pillow, or image of the "other" is just an image, or pillow. You can't hurt anyone with this work. It does help to have a guide, especially at first, because the guide will make suggested statements which nail down the feelings, which you may be to "shy" to say! Enjoy!!

 

[Freedom]

Does the anger have to actually be voiced out loud? Is it less impactful if you have the thought?

I am reading Steven Ozanich's "The Great Pain Deception." What I don't understand is how he could have had a situation where he was so pissed at the doctors but it got repressed? It seems to me like the anger is so obvious but I think I'm missing a nuanced point about repression and anger.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

It helps to express it out loud. Anger is felt as energy, aliveness, heat, in the body. If it is only "thought" there tends to be less access, especially as you first learn to explore it.

The "reservoir of rage" that Dr. Sarno refers to, that we all have, is deep. It is so threatening to our identity that it is not easily accessible. The repression is implicit and automatic. Steve might have been aware of resentment, strategizing to get his needs met, ---all kinds of thoughts and feelings which kept him a little on the surface. That is how we are built.

Your good intention to feel your anger, rage is important. Dr. Sarno instructs to "use your imagination to ascertain what your Inner Child probably feels." ---paraphrased

This process for you will simply be a process. You have your good intentions and some practices, and then there is only the effort to engage, and be patient. The results will come.

In my view, the act of asking what is going on down deep, turning yourself in this direction, genuinely wanting to know ---this action has good results. You are sending a signal that the feelings are more free to become conscious. Which means there is less need for repression, meaning less need for symptoms.

 

[kieran]

So one of the ideas in TMS is to not repress the rage/anger. I just listened to Alan Gordon talking about it in the session with Dustin. I have to say I was pretty shocked how he has the client in detail describe what they wanted to do. I felt uncomfortable listening to it. The thought I had was "if someone else heard me listening to this, they'd think I was crazy." How do you normalize this (the anger) so you feel ok with expressing it to yourself?

I have just this moment listened to the same thing. Wow!! For many years I have felt guilty about fantasising about how I wanted to slap and kill my now deceased mother for how she beat me as a child. I loved my parents but they were tired working people who had had too many children and didn´t have the resources, money or level of emotional intelligence necessary to love me in an open and demonstrative way. So I suffered terribly as an innocent child. I have struggled with the guilt I have felt in fantasies where I have wanted to step in between myself as a child and my mother beating me and simply kill her with a few good slaps. Now, I have listened to this I feel quite simply liberated, I am free to fantasise, in fact it´s good for me!! So I´m going out, I´m going to walk in the park, I´m going to verbalise and I´m going to kill both my parents (they're both dead already) and I´m probably going to burn the Vatican down while I´m at it for what they have done to me (and are still trying to do) because of my sexuality. Thank you Alan Gordon.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi kieran
I am so happy you feel the liberation of allowing anger! Bravo. We aren't killing anyone, but we are confronting the experiences and messages in our mind, challenging the way we respond typically, or responded in the past. This is powerful and needed!
Andy B

 

[honey badger]

[QUOTE="kieran, post: 76230, member: 5217"(...) I´m going to kill both my parents (they're both dead already) and I´m probably going to burn the Vatican down while I´m at it for what they have done to me (and are still trying to do) because of my sexuality. Thank you Alan Gordon.[/QUOTE]

Kieran, I feel like you're speaking my truths, truths that I don't allow myself to say out of guilt. I particularly connected with the Vatican sentence, even though at first it made me gasp, but mainly because I think it too but I've been fearful or guilty about facing my truth about the role of religion in my life, which was unfortunately very hurtful in my case. You've inspired me to be able to admit some of these truths, if to no one else, then at the very least to myself. Thank you.

 

[ciciho]

The other day i got into a fight with my parents and I did this on my balcony and said things that weren’t that surprising for me but that I feel guilty about feeling and usually try to deny avoid. My mom said she heard me say I hate her and don’t love her and that she started crying and it made me feel so bad.. I’ve never been able to show anger in my house because my mom is so sensitive, I’ve always allowed anger to turn to anxiety because it only hurts me.feels like my inner child saw another reason not to feel anger

I’m trying my best to be sympathetic with myself and as I write this my back is hurting more: it doesn’t want me to tell you about my shame and to fully feel it. I feel like a little kid again.

 

[honey badger]

Hang in there ciciho. Shame can only survive if you keep it secret. Speaking truths out loud makes it the antidote to shame. It can't survive in the light. In regards to your mom, there's something to keep in mind because two truths can co-exist together. One, you may feel like you hate your mom sometimes and that's because during your fight some anger bubbled to the surface and you expressed it that way and that was a true feeling at that moment. But two, you can still love your mom even if you say something that's hurtful during an argument. Just because you say "I hate you!" in anger, doesn't mean you don't love that family member. It was just the frustration of the moment. Both can be true. Just because you get into a fight with a loved one sometimes, and say things in the heat of the moment, doesn't mean that deep down you don't love them. Both can co-exist, the anger that moment that made you say you hated her, and your life-time love for her which is longer lasting.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I appreciate your experience ciciho, and your response, honey badger! The child in us doesn't know that "both rage and love can coexist" as you suggest honey badger. Fundamentally, I believe this is because in the feeling of rage, the inner image of a loving mommy is not present.

I want to add that as you explain your experience, ciciho, I observe precision and a desire to love your self, which includes seeing clearly the self-rejection. I want to mention that this kind of precise feeling and observation, while understanding Dr. Sarno's theory about inner tension ---this is the method. Simply acknowledging the inner conflicts, and the feelings of the child as your source of symptoms (rather than anything physical) is the way. Bravo! I am happy for your work.

I’ve never been able to show anger in my house because my mom is so sensitive, I’ve always allowed anger to turn to anxiety because it only hurts me.feels like my inner child saw another reason not to feel anger

I’m trying my best to be sympathetic with myself and as I write this my back is hurting more: it doesn’t want me to tell you about my shame and to fully feel it. I feel like a little kid again.