Day 19 being judgmental

[gailnyc]

Today I am supposed to journal about a trait, and that was easy: I am judgmental. Until recently I saw nothing wrong with that, but now I see it as evidence of a deep insecurity.

My question for you all out there is--are you judgmental? If so, is it something you try to change? If so, how? I wish I could be one of those people who just loves everyone but that does not come naturally to me.

 

[Layne]

OooOoooo I didn't even think of that one! I am absolutely judgmental - especially of weaknesses. Anytime anyone I previously thought to be "strong" or someone on which I rely for strength (especially a male) expresses a weakness I turn bully status. It's gross.

I have begun changing it about myself by finding bits of myself in them/their behavior (it's easier with some people than others - there are some people in my life that I struggle with...). For example: say I think something someone says sounds stupid. I think of a time when I felt stupid/felt like I sounded stupid... Or maybe I think someone should be behaving differently, I think of a time I behaved similarly or could have behaved better. Or if someone is being mean to me and I think they're a jerk, I try to think about why they might be being a jerk - maybe their dog just died or maybe someone was really rude to them right before I got there.

I am getting better and better, though as I said, there are people I struggle with, mostly family. It takes time to get the hang of it but it feels a whole lot better!

 

[gailnyc]

I have begun changing it about myself by finding bits of myself in them/their behavior (it's easier with some people than others - there are some people in my life that I struggle with...). For example: say I think something someone says sounds stupid. I think of a time when I felt stupid/felt like I sounded stupid... Or maybe I think someone should be behaving differently, I think of a time I behaved similarly or could have behaved better. Or if someone is being mean to me and I think they're a jerk, I try to think about why they might be being a jerk - maybe their dog just died or maybe someone was really rude to them right before I got there.

This is a great idea. I have been reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Wherever You Go, There You Are," and he suggests simply noticing when you are being judgmental. So I've been trying to notice my judgments. I'm hoping that this will somehow lead me to judging less often.

Also, I have noticed that the qualities I judge most harshly are qualities that I see in myself and hate. For example, there is a woman at work, N., who is always really really negative, bitchy, and rude. I hope I'm not usually like that, but I know that I can sometimes be a real bitch.

Or maybe these are qualities that I mostly repress, and I get angry that others don't repress them too.

Hmmm. Much to think about.

 

[Layne]

This is where I get confused - I believe that people are a mirror so they are reflecting back to us that which we dislike about ourselves. But I also believe that sometimes it can be simply "contrast" ( in the words of Abraham Hicks,) and thus, showing us what we do not want in our lives. I don't know if I can tell the difference between the two when each happens, or if they are altogether conflicting ideas...

Or maybe these are qualities that I mostly repress, and I get angry that others don't repress them too..

I will say that I abhor weakness, and I hate to admit that I am/can be. So this makes a lot of sense.

 

[Dear Lianne]

Judgmental - yes, I think I was/can be judgmental. I am much less so since I had a series of humiliating experiences over the past 7 years. Extended unemployment after many years of successful work experiences; the resulting loss of financial status; discrimination against me for being a woman in a man's work environment; gaining 50 pounds and seeing how differently I was treated; being exposed to persons with disabilities and seeing how much they are discriminated against for being who they are (very eye opening to me); living within a community where the elderly live and witnessing how much they are ignored, even though they're smart and still have something to say; and lastly, as gailnyc said, I resisted and judged people for being weak but a good dose of feeling "weakened" by so many negative experiences for a long duration made me much more aware that it takes strength to accept weakness. I remind myself to suspend judgment for we are all one, whether we like to admit that or not. Peace to you. Thanks for sharing your insight about yourself. Based on all of the responses, you hit a chord amongst us.

 

[Forest]

Also, I have noticed that the qualities I judge most harshly are qualities that I see in myself and hate. For example, there is a woman at work, N., who is always really really negative, bitchy, and rude. I hope I'm not usually like that, but I know that I can sometimes be a real bitch.

Or maybe these are qualities that I mostly repress, and I get angry that others don't repress them too.

It is common to judge people for having the same qualities we ourselves have, because these are the qualities that are most threatening to our ego. They are the ones that we cannot admit to ourselves that we have, because we fear how people will respond to us if they knew about them.

Judgment is an interesting thing. I think for goodist we try to avoid passing judgment on people, because we think that if we do we are bad people. But it is important to understand that being judgmental is a normal human reaction. This actually reminds me of the Project Implicit Test, which is a standard Implicit Association test that measures one's initial reactions to certain stimuli. This can be anything from people's faces to words. What it shows, and which also comes up in the Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink, is that everyone has an initial reaction to everything. There is always an initial judgement we have, and, in terms of TMS, it is important to understand that it is okay to have these judgmental feelings. The more important thing is to understand why you have these reactions.

 

[Gigi]

As my husband likes to say, we all judge all the time. It's not always a bad thing; sometimes we're simply evaluating what to do or what choice to take. Like anything else, it becomes a liability when taken to the extreme, as in when we feel superior to others.
Moderation, balance, and patience are the keys for me!