Been doing TMS for 3 years or something now

[Mark1122]

Everything got worse and worse. I had periods where i really believed and resumed activity but shit only got worse. The shittiest part is that i cant push through it because of my heart. This heart is acting up like crazy: skipping beats, and sortof electric feeling in the heart thats fluttering or something real scary... And i get extremely fatigued, tired when i resume activity and thus gain pain.

I resume activity with confidence -> pain gets worse, WHO CARES -> then start to get really fatigues and dizzy + i get a realy bloated stomach(after a month this starts to get annoying and il get into fights alot because im so damn tired) -> heart flutters, skips beats and i get scared -> Full blown pain in arms, trapezius, upper back, neck + twitches in eyes and other muscles + extreme fatigue and exhaustion + weird and scary heart shit -> i quit am desperate and im worse than before -> i find hope and believe AGAIn and this same shit goes down and i quit again and im even worse and more depressed..

This heart is the worst because its my heart.. and it feels real fked up. And the extreme fatigue and exhaustion and dizzyness fucks me up and ruins my relationship. And the constant bloated stomach is insanely annoying. I mean the fkn pain is the least of my probems and this gets so bad i start sweating like crazy, but all the other things are way worse than the pain..Whenever i quit activity my fatigue gets much better and pain gets better than when i am in activity, so its hard to continue activity then...

Do i just continue when my heart is skipping and doing weird shit with a chance of maybe dieing or whatever? i mean im not living for 7 years now so i might as well go all or nothing?

I have had heart checked on EKG but it always gets worse when pain gets worse. What if my heart is good but the pain makes it faulty. What if the heart will kill me when i push through the pain in back, arm etc because the pain gets too much for the heart. What if they missed something? Plus i was an alcoholic for 8 years and also took sleeping pills at the same time, maybe it fucked the heart up??? I am only 28 years old as well.

I also have alot of anxiety, this always gets worse when i resume activity and get more pain and more heart flutters, skips, race etc. And i get heart palps after i get in axniety mode but also randomly and after i get anxious. So you cant say you get palps cause of anxiety, because its alot of times the other way around, it starts with the palps, or somehow i dont notice im not anxious before? idk...


Symptoms: Right Upper back pain, trapezius pain, arm pain, shoulder pain. Later also left side but less. Anxiety, heart palps etc, dizzyness, fatigue, bloated stomach, burning stomach and chest (like acid), twitches eyelids and other muscles in body, when i used to still train when i would push though the pain i would get bad nausseau and almsot vomitting.

All seemed to start with pc gaming and mobile -> rsi like symptoms and later all the above symptoms.

ps. All the quick heal stories made me even believe less for myself, maybe there is soemthing wrong with me and i dont have TMS

 

[Northwood]

Whenever i quit activity my fatigue gets much better and pain gets better than when i am in activity, so its hard to continue activity then...

Hey, Mark1122,
Glad you tapped into the forum. I learned about TMS in January, so haven't been "doing" it (acquainted with it) as long as you have. Am I correct in thinking that you went through a learning phase (reading, videos, etc.) and then set out to apply that learning to a practice that would change your way of thinking and subsequently diminish your pain? Or maybe you went another route? About your comments on activity & fatigue, have you tried to find a sweet spot with an activity that gives you a feeling of success but doesn't tap you out? Have you tried chunking activities into smaller wins that you can track and maybe record (to compare against the negative hamster running hard in the cage)? When I'm in a pain grind (like now) I have to keep breaking my day down and taking it a moment at a time; there's no win in loitering in a gloomy thought about What Might Be, or in letting that thought lead me around like a bull with a ring through its nose. "It sucks," right now (the pain), so, all right: that is a spin on the fact that my back hurts. What do I need to do NOW to get myself into a more helpful frame of reference (something to calm the anxiety)? Reading about how to do this has helped. Going about my day helps. Writing down the rage stuff and then tearing up helps--seeing the angry thoughts as thoughts rather than as issues to be obsessed over, as Dr. Hanscom points out in his book, Back in Control (my most recent read). Taking breaks helps. Posting here helps.

 

[Northwood]

also have alot of anxiety, this always gets worse when i resume activity and get more pain and more heart flutters, skips, race etc. And i get heart palps after i get in axniety mode but also randomly and after i get anxious. So you cant say you get palps cause of anxiety, because its alot of times the other way around, it starts with the palps, or somehow i dont notice im not anxious before? idk...

I feel something I don't want to feel, and anxiety kicks in. Until I started doing this tms work I didn't understand the degree to which I HAVE anxiety, and a couple of years ago I didn't even think I was an anxious person. For me, it's sensationthought. Hardly a gap. Becoming aware of that process is helping me to slow the my thinking down--like a bullet through honey--and I can start to make choices of how I am going to THINK about the SENSATION. Neuroplasticity theory says that the old pathways are set like footprints in snow, but that we can start new paths and travel them, and leave the old paths be. It's a process that takes time and practice. Who doesn't want this all done yesterday? And so all the fear kicks in because we're not where we want to be and so the old path--hopelessness, failure messages--are cued up and ready go. I'm reminded of the old saying: You just have to fashion your wings while you're falling. Feather, anybody?

 

[Northwood]

Symptoms: Right Upper back pain, trapezius pain, arm pain, shoulder pain. Later also left side but less. Anxiety, heart palps etc, dizzyness, fatigue, bloated stomach, burning stomach and chest (like acid), twitches eyelids and other muscles in body, when i used to still train when i would push though the pain i would get bad nausseau and almsot vomitting.

Sounds like an extreme kind of pushing that might not have been beneficial. I guess Steve O (Great Pain Deception) has said that while he'd done that pushing (he talks about it in his book) he now doesn't think that degree of pushing is necessary. Living into your day, finding what pleasures you can and what ways you can discover to believe in your diagnosis seems more constructive to me. It's finding ways to build a case for your brain that the pain is serving no purpose at all anymore and that, by the way, you have other things to do.

 

[Northwood]

ll the quick heal stories made me even believe less for myself, maybe there is soemthing wrong with me and i dont have TMS

Yeah, as an aging newbie, I deal with this regularly. Been thinking that I might be in that 5% group that needs (more) psychotherapy. But NOT more surgery, chiropractics. acupuncture, deep tissue massage, and all of that. To be entirely honest, the siren call of a structural problem mixed into the brain stuff continually haunts me. Maybe that's why I am where I am. I can say that I DO feel that seeing a shrink over returning to the white coats feels so much more correct a choice, an orientation, toward a solution. I can also say that if the pain remains, I will wind up knowing myself infinitely better an before I started any of this. And I have this goal: find a way to live well, regardless of the pain. No idea what that looks like yet. But I'm aiming for THAT. Good luck to you!

 

[Mark1122]

Hey, Mark1122,
Glad you tapped into the forum. I learned about TMS in January, so haven't been "doing" it (acquainted with it) as long as you have. Am I correct in thinking that you went through a learning phase (reading, videos, etc.) and then set out to apply that learning to a practice that would change your way of thinking and subsequently diminish your pain? Or maybe you went another route? About your comments on activity & fatigue, have you tried to find a sweet spot with an activity that gives you a feeling of success but doesn't tap you out? Have you tried chunking activities into smaller wins that you can track and maybe record (to compare against the negative hamster running hard in the cage)? When I'm in a pain grind (like now) I have to keep breaking my day down and taking it a moment at a time; there's no win in loitering in a gloomy thought about What Might Be, or in letting that thought lead me around like a bull with a ring through its nose. "It sucks," right now (the pain), so, all right: that is a spin on the fact that my back hurts. What do I need to do NOW to get myself into a more helpful frame of reference (something to calm the anxiety)? Reading about how to do this has helped. Going about my day helps. Writing down the rage stuff and then tearing up helps--seeing the angry thoughts as thoughts rather than as issues to be obsessed over, as Dr. Hanscom points out in his book, Back in Control (my most recent read). Taking breaks helps. Posting here helps.

Yeah i just heard people that pushed through and i thought if i really believe nothing is wrong then why should i not go full blown activity, because if i dont then i dont believe?

 

[Mark1122]

Sounds like an extreme kind of pushing that might not have been beneficial. I guess Steve O (Great Pain Deception) has said that while he'd done that pushing (he talks about it in his book) he now doesn't think that degree of pushing is necessary. Living into your day, finding what pleasures you can and what ways you can discover to believe in your diagnosis seems more constructive to me. It's finding ways to build a case for your brain that the pain is serving no purpose at all anymore and that, by the way, you have other things to do.

its just hard to have fun when u feel so fucked up, i tend to just stay home. I barely see anyone anymore and i know this doesnt help when ur depressed. But its hard to get out.

 

[Northwood]

Yeah i just heard people that pushed through and i thought if i really believe nothing is wrong then why should i not go full blown activity, because if i dont then i dont believe?

I think if you're having TMS symptoms, it's important to be active--"vigorously" so, per Sarno. In my case, "vigorously" means to nudge the borders of my comfort zone and see how I feel (breathe calmly and be aware/present). Usually I'm surprised to find that I can do more than I thought I could. The point is (imo) to send the brain messages that the activity is okay, and when you have a success to work with that evidence the next time you do the activity, and maybe nudge it again. Going "full blown" when fearful and guarded could be a set-up for an injury. Look for that sweet spot in doing something you enjoy. Right now, I can't hike the way I'd love to, nor bike as far as I'd like. But I CAN knock off a nine-mile loop on the cycle, and I CAN walk nearly 2 miles. I'm working hard to make peace with what is (not just tolerate it); to bang my head against what-is-ness doesn't change it and just feeds my well-worn path into depression. I know it's tough at times, but our moods do change, our circumstances do change...

 

[Northwood]

its just hard to have fun when u feel so fucked up, i tend to just stay home. I barely see anyone anymore and i know this doesnt help when ur depressed. But its hard to get out.

Yeah, I guess I refer to the end of my last comment. Here's a resource to consider: David Burns has a practical book on dealing with depression using cognitive therapy techniques. Ties into a lot of the strategies that people talk about here in these forums. The title is the Feeling Good Handbook. Came out in the 90's. I'm just looking at it now and finding the information helpful in terms of creating a structured approach to defusing the bummed-out thinking that leads so naturally to isolation, a sense of hopelessness and being stuck. I get it, how lousy that all is. But keep going. Be your own best friend. One last resource suggestion: I've found Byron Kaitie's "The Work" really helpful in learning to embrace "reality" as it is. She's got a ton of free stuff on the web. Her work is easy to learn (the way chess is easy to learn). But getting good at the "game" takes some time. Anyway, I've spent some time with her work and found it's changed my perspective toward some pretty fraught relationships. Best wishes to you.

 

[Iwilldeadlift]

Heart problem are love problems, stop working on tms, work on your dreams, write the novel you always wanted to write, start the business you always wanted to start and speak your mind and stand your ground

I send you good vibes

 

[Mark1122]

I think if you're having TMS symptoms, it's important to be active--"vigorously" so, per Sarno. In my case, "vigorously" means to nudge the borders of my comfort zone and see how I feel (breathe calmly and be aware/present). Usually I'm surprised to find that I can do more than I thought I could. The point is (imo) to send the brain messages that the activity is okay, and when you have a success to work with that evidence the next time you do the activity, and maybe nudge it again. Going "full blown" when fearful and guarded could be a set-up for an injury. Look for that sweet spot in doing something you enjoy. Right now, I can't hike the way I'd love to, nor bike as far as I'd like. But I CAN knock off a nine-mile loop on the cycle, and I CAN walk nearly 2 miles. I'm working hard to make peace with what is (not just tolerate it); to bang my head against what-is-ness doesn't change it and just feeds my well-worn path into depression. I know it's tough at times, but our moods do change, our circumstances do change...

I tried this alot and lately again. I actually felt pretty okay when i quit activity. Since my pain reduced somewhat and me being completely exhausted got so much better. But i get bored and unhappy after a while because i just sit at home doing nothing. So i think dude you got TMS u should go do stuff. And pain slowly gets worse again, but im fine with it. Its TMS dont worry pull through. But then i also get more tired again to the point im completely exhausted whole day even when i sleep well. And i get so moody, since im so fkn tired and being so insanely tired is too hard for a human u cant do shit and ur mad about everything and everyone. I think about suicide lately and i even fantasize about being dead and having 100% rest how nice that would be, like im ready for it and im 28.

So activity just doesnt seem to work for me sadly.

 

[Mark1122]

Yeah, I guess I refer to the end of my last comment. Here's a resource to consider: David Burns has a practical book on dealing with depression using cognitive therapy techniques. Ties into a lot of the strategies that people talk about here in these forums. The title is the Feeling Good Handbook. Came out in the 90's. I'm just looking at it now and finding the information helpful in terms of creating a structured approach to defusing the bummed-out thinking that leads so naturally to isolation, a sense of hopelessness and being stuck. I get it, how lousy that all is. But keep going. Be your own best friend. One last resource suggestion: I've found Byron Kaitie's "The Work" really helpful in learning to embrace "reality" as it is. She's got a ton of free stuff on the web. Her work is easy to learn (the way chess is easy to learn). But getting good at the "game" takes some time. Anyway, I've spent some time with her work and found it's changed my perspective toward some pretty fraught relationships. Best wishes to you.

i dont even care about depression and pain and even the heart anymore. But the exhaustion is too much. Being so insanely tired is hard to let go. I almost fall asleep when i walk outside after 5minutes and i get so angry and annoyed (also because im so tired). I get mad at my dog alot because i cant deal with the slightest things because of being so tired. My gf and me sortof broke up after 7.5 years because im so moody all the times when i resume activity.

 

[Northwood]

Hey, hope you're doing better. I wanted to steer you over to this thread. I just spent time re-reading it. Some counsel there I find helpful: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/open-letter-to-the-people-not-getting-better-or-to-those-who-want-it-fast.23177/ (Open Letter to the people NOT getting better, or to those who want it FAST)

It's tough, figuring out the relationship between our symptoms and the mind's part in it all. I come back to this site to get perspective and to avoid getting too isolated in my own life. It's to see other people's insights. I'm continuing to focus on small wins--and recognize them as small wins that I might have overlooked. And recognizing how depression can paralyze one and make everything seem worse than it really is. There is wisdom in the saw "fake it until you make it." In a week, I'm going to take my son up north so he can do a solo backpacking trip. I'll camp while he's out on the trail, and I'll hike some myself. I have fear about going, given my symptoms, etc. But I'll go and focus on the small wins, and afterwards (I'm pretty certain) I'll feel more confident for having done it. Today I had symptoms but I went out on a bike ride anyway and knocked off 11.5 miles. That did a lot for my confidence. Important to track those wins and hold them up against our perceived losses. Wishing you well!