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Day 3 Battling to accept the diagnosis

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Chris1138, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. Chris1138

    Chris1138 Newcomer

    I know that accepting the diagnosis is going to be a big challenge for me. I've been trying to tell myself there is nothing wrong structurally with my back and going about my day, but my pain is so conditioned to kick in when I walk for more than a minute or two, or sit back in a chair. I did get down on the ground and play some nerf basketball with my kids last night. A few times I paused and questioned whether I was bringing on any pain, but my back was certainly not worse afterwards. My wife nearly had tears in her eyes when I came up from the basement and said it was so good to hear me playing with them like that because it had been so long.

    As per the Day 2 exercises, I made a commitment to start running again at the end of July. As I began writing the commitment down, my back flared up! Just thinking about running and committing to doing it was enough for my whole butt and leg to tense up. I repeated my mantra that there is nothing structurally wrong with my back and the pain is a result of tension and it calmed down. This really helps reinforce the TMS diagnosis, but it feels like a real battleground with my mind constantly wanting to think and even visualize the herniated disc.

    Baby steps I guess...
     
  2. Chris1138

    Chris1138 Newcomer

    I did some thinking on my history with running after my post last night and I recalled that leading up to my back pain and sciatic pain I had been dogged with some patella/knee pain for about a year prior. At the time I assumed it was my form, and though it was quite painful, if I slapped a knee brace on I could keep running with no problem. After reading Dr. Sarno's book I realize now that patella pain can also be TMS and perhaps that was my brain's first shot and getting me to stop running.

    Digging a little deeper, I recall that I had gotten into running because I worked with a team that was very fitness focused. I had previously not been so active and I dove into running full force (as most TMS personality types would have done). I lost 30 lbs in a year and felt amazing. For the first time I felt like all those unrealistic fit body types you see in movies, TV, billboards, etc. were attainable. I was running 5-10K twice a day every day. I started some weights at the gym too. Then I had twins. No time for 5-10K runs twice a day anymore. I tried to squeeze runs in on my lunch break at work, but it wasn't the same and when I was promoted at work I lost that flexibility too. I distinctly remember feeling frustrated that I had lost such a great outlet for my stress and even more so that I was losing my fitness and gaining weight (10lbs or so - but it feels like more). It was around this time that the patella pain started up. This was exacerbated by my brother-in-law who was on a different trajectory at the time - running marathons (Boston), triathlons, iron mans, you name it. I think I've been burying some anger towards his freedom (no kids and none planned) to do this and all the accolades he gets as well. I don't like feeling petty like this.

    I'm wondering now if my brain has been trying to prevent me from squeezing in runs here and there and is taking my physical activity away to prevent me from feeling angry and guilty that I'm not active and that I can reach my perfectionist body image goals. I think I also direct a lot of those feelings towards my kids since it's having twins that derailed my fitness goals. I was pondering all this on my way to work and felt a substantial decrease in my pain at the time so I'll have to keep exploring this.
     

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