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Back issue, puzzling symptoms

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by starseed, Oct 16, 2018.

  1. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    I’m glad I stumbled on this forum, found it by chance via someone else posting about TMS. I just joined about a week ago.

    I had a very unhappy fearful childhood. I was a sensitive child, a bed wetter, had daily thrashings from my Father for wetting. I peed my pants at school too but only in the very early years. I have never admitted this on an open forum! I grew up angry and fearful - my siblings abused me too both physically and mentally. My parents had a volatile relationship and they would argue openly in front of us. My Father was a heavy drinker but we were provided for. He used to torment me by telling me that I was found in a dustbin ( there’s 5 of us ) and he would do that until he made me cry. He seemed to enjoy it - I never ever found out why I was the butt of everyone’s anger or frustrations. I can remember I was a good child until I started to grow up and then I got angry. In retrospect I should have sought help a long time ago - I’m 61. This is just a brief synopsis of my early years. My older sister recently apologised to me for the way she treated me when we were kids.

    My present issue is backache - I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease (L5 with an osteophyte) about 6 years ago and I’m an ex registered nurse. I’ve had chiropractic input in the past. Few weeks back I was in the car with my husband and we were coming down a steep hill when he braked suddenly. I was thrown forward then back with my seat belt on but not violently. I remember tensing up a lot and following morning I had backache, inflammation in my back and I then developed a strange numbness from my mid to lower back, in my buttocks and legs and feet. I still find it hard to sit without my buttocks going numb and I have shifting pain in my coccyx, lower back, upper back and strange cramping in my legs. My symptoms puzzle me greatly. I think I’m still holding onto a few emotions for being in the car that night with my husband..

    I tend to be hyper vigilant. My husband and daughter say that I over react to the least things and I suppose I’ve become hyper vigilant. I’ve had a LOT of emotional trauma over the years, much too much to spew out on here and when I read about repressed anger etc I began to wonder if I have TMS - I’ve possibly been fearful my whole life. There are days when I think I have numbness all over. I touch my scalp, ears, abdomen, face etc and it’s like there is reduced sensation.

    I recently moved to Turkey to start a new life and so the health care here is very different. I have been for a lumbar mri and seen a neuro surgeon twice, he assured us there was no nerve involvement in my back as I was beginning to think the worst especially with the numbness. I’ve had my bloods screened. He said it was ‘muscular’. I’ve ended up with muscle rubs, NSAID’s and more recently an opiate based pain killer.

    I’m doubtful if there’s s TMS physician here. I’m working my way through the forum and it’s been an eye opener for me. Delighted to see so many success stories!
    Lizzy likes this.
  2. Rosebud

    Rosebud Peer Supporter

    Those were the days, when people didn't (want to) know the difference between bullying and teasing. Saying the dustbin thing once is teasing, repeating it until you cry is plain bullying! People see they can get a rise out of you, and they run with it. I had a similar thing happen to me, where I would be teased and bullied by several family members (about something really stupid, let me tell you) until I cried, and then I'd be laughed at BECAUSE I cried. It taught me not to cry, but without crying, the emotion had nowhere to go, and that's not a good thing. At least I taught myself to cry again, so there's that.
    Lizzy and starseed like this.
  3. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    That is so sad. My Father should have known better. He’s no longer with us and I struggle to forgive a lot of things he said to me over the years for no reason. Yet outside the home he was such a popular man. I think he had many failings as a Father but equally he would help many out - he perplexed me a lot. I agree we need to cry - I was only about 7 years old when he taunted me. I was just a little child. I think I’m angry at him still.
    Lizzy likes this.
  4. Gigalos

    Gigalos Beloved Grand Eagle

    Selam Starseed,

    Bullying can have different reasons:
    - somebody is a genuine asshole by nature (1 in 20 people thinks like an asshole because of genetics).
    - somebody is taught that it is okay to bully during his or her childhood, be it to vent your own anger or simply because it is fun (think like an asshole because you've been taught by assholes that it is okay).
    - somebody is or has been the subject of bullying themselves, therefore he/she bullies others to not become the subject or to vent the rage that result(s)(ed) from it. (become an asshole for reasons of selfprotection)

    The bully often chooses a subject that is the least likely to fight back successfully; often it is a physically weaker person or a person that depends on him/her or a person. Also there is a copy/paste thing going on; a father who bullies his child probably got bullied by his dad like in some sort of repetitive cycle. This behavior was more common in the old days of keeping up appearances in your relatively small neighborhood, church, etc.. Luckily we now have facebook, twitter, instagram and internetforums... a great venting place (luckily this forum is one of the exceptions) for rage as you are anonymous.

    The subject has roughly three options: fight back, flee/avoid or freeze (let it happen and hope it stops, sadly often the only available option for a subject). The last one is often a pretty good base for getting TMS as it leaves you with a ton of rage and anxiety.

    Anyway, that is my short and incomplete view and you can go many ways with this, but in the end an explanation doesn't mean that you have no right to be angry as .... at your dad. Don't feel guilty about that emotion is my advice to you.

    One exercise I did and sometimes still do with people who I feel a deep rage towards is, although controversial, to kick the living daylights out of that person in my imagination. I believe it is also mentioned in the book by Dr. Schubiner (correct me if I am wrong). You can make it as cruel as you feel it needs to be, bring weapons if he/she is bigger than you, but it will always end with that person down and out on the floor. That's when you can help him up and genuinely forgive him. I leave it up to you to use it, as not everybody likes the idea. I say, it is only imagination and a great way to vent your anger; it is way better than suffering endlessly from suppressing emotions or venting them in the real world.

    Hope some of the above is useful to you,
    take care!
    starseed likes this.
  5. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    Thanks for your take on this. I think I do feel guilty about my anger towards him. I don’t think any of the other siblings were treated the way I was. I have a load of baggage from my formative years - I used to wish that I was part of another family with parents who were kind supportive loving and attentive. Oh well. I’m still doing a lot of digging around on TMS, hoping I can get a book on Amazon and get it shipped here to Turkey.
  6. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    I just need to vent....

    I’ve been coping ok but today has been awful pain wise. I came off Tramadol 5 days ago - was prescribed this by a neurosurgeon for ‘muscular’ problems after my car incident. I walk daily for half an hour - it’s painful to walk now that I’m off my meds but I’ve been doing my affirmations while out walking.

    I’m in Turkey, moved here in May and I’m not settling here at all for a myriad of reasons so planning to go home to the UK. I’m happy that my husband has agreed but he likes it here and he wants to stay.... I’m happy but also feel a bit selfish and guilty..... new emotions to deal with. I think today has been the worst pain I’ve felt since late August and I’m struggling. Pain is off the scale and I had to pour myself a drink but only one as I don’t normally use it to ‘medicate’.

    I’m so stressed that I’ve even started worrying about sitting on the flights home.... it’s still painful to sit. I obviously have a lot of work to do. Just need a bit of support right now. Thanks
  7. Coffeeplease

    Coffeeplease Peer Supporter

    I am new here, also with a very traumatic childhood, which included physical abuse and molestation. I echo the sentiments that it is ok to be angry, I am learning that TMS is born of fear and anger/rage. I have buried my anger, resentment, and sadness for a long time. In September, after leaving an abusive marriage, my legs suddenly locked up and have developed a skin rash all over my body. I have been truly in flight/freeze mode as I loaded up my car with what belongings I could fit inside and fled.

    The process is slow, however tell yourself that you are safe, worthy of love, and that you will be ok. That is a mantra that I sing to myself daily. Find ways to relax, don't be afraid to confront difficult emotions. I know my issues stem from 45 years of burying and repressing emotions without feeling them. It is scary to allow yourself to feel, but worth it. Fear is a big part of it, for me anyway. But you can do it! Days filled with pain can be depressing and very discouraging, find the things you are grateful for, believe that you will have a pain free life, don't give up and you are not alone!

    I highly recommend Steve Ozanich's book, The Great Pain Deception.
    Gigalos likes this.
  8. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    Welcome @Coffeeplease - nice username! Thanks for your support and input, I really appreciate it.

    Isn’t it so sad that so many of us have had terrible childhoods in respect to the way we were treated? I’m sorry to read about your experiences too but this forum is so helpful. I have my eye on Steve O’s book definitely. Time to conquer the fear, I wholeheartedly agree. I truly hope you find your way to healing.
    Gigalos and Coffeeplease like this.

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