Day 37 Back after a hiatus- self care

Hi all,

Back after a hiatus. There has been a lot of improvement- actually. The symptoms have improved and I feel better. The fear is also much less- including the obsession. I still struggle with the persistent fear of re-injury or the fear of pain; feeling pain, so decided to go back into knowledge therapy to help me. I do have a lot of conditioned responses though, since I started jogging a few weeks ago and a symtom that I've struggled with on and off for seven years as a conditioned response. It's not too bad. 'Manageable' but I want it gone too. I want all of the ease. Trying not to give up that this will end.

As for self care; I think I've talked about this before- how financial difficulty has made self care harder for me. All my self care activities cost money and that has been a point of rage for years and a place that I have often wanted to give up my God given call. God has not called me to lack, however, but wants good for all His children, but I did not know that and I think have suffered more for it. Anyway, this past saturday I had a self care day. It was great, I was happy, but I spent all my money.

But if I had the ability to do self care often I would every week, take myself to a museum or see something artistically related, then I would have some kind of pre-dinner something like coffee in a nice chilled out place, then I'd have dinner. Every month I would plan a short trip somewhere, for a day or two- and every three/four months I'd plan longer four day trips- then once a year I'd take maybe two weeks and roam around a different continent.

On my own, right now, I could always pray and read the Bible- that actually makes me happy, and I recently found a clean comedy website that I could start watching. Walking is okay but men in my country are always sexually harrassing me when I walk so it's not an experience I can truly say I can enjoy and experience freedom. My guard is always up. I also spend time outside in our small front yard sometimes looking at the birds. We don't have many trees in this neighborhood but I look at the birds sometimes and think about Jesus. But I would really like for a solution to this financial lack situation because it's been going on for most of my life, related to my call, and I would really appreciate it if it ended because it enrages me.