Avoidance

[Mtnjac]

Today, Day 10 of SEP, I’m asked to name a person I avoid telling my true feelings. And why.

I hide my feelings from my son. Here are my reasons, rational or not:

He’s a very busy man.
He’s not the empathetic type.
He might see me as weak.
He might not confide in me if he thinks I have deep issues of my own.
He might become overly protective and I want to appear competent to ensure ongoing independence.
He has a short attention capability and I tend to be long-winded. He wants to hear sound bites and bottom lines. I am much too thorough.
I want his life to be uncomplicated by my problems. This stems from my resenting my own mother’s troubles.
He might think I’m a hypochondriac.

‘Nuff said.

 

[Diana-M]

Hi @Mtnjac !

I relate to your feelings about your son. I actually have three grown sons, and they are the focus of much of my emotional work on my TMS journey. This is an awful realization I had the other day. I finally got desperate enough to tell the total truth to myself— you know, the primitive honest truth: it’s too hard to be a mother. (And I don’t want to be one anymore. That’s the inner angry me talking!) And it’s harder to be a mother who’s getting older. There is a lot of complicated stuff going on there. And it can cause inner rage.

we talk about aging a lot on this forum. It’s a big trigger for TMS. I think you’re onto something when you think about this son, you might have to do a lot of journaling about him and digging really deep because I’m sure it’s part of what’s causing your TMS.

it has taken me more than a year on my TMS journey exploring why my oldest son, in particular, makes me so sick. (literally. If I even have a phone call with him, my symptoms will flare!) Your description above of your son reminds me of him! And you remind me of me— trying to please him and thinking it’s my fault.

Here on the forum, @sleepyjay recommended this book to me the other day And it’s fantastic! It has already helped me so much when I think about my son. It’s called: Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People, by Lindsay Gibson. (Thanks, @sleepyjay !) you might want to check it out! It will definitely make you feel better and open your eyes. And the coolest part of the book is that it tells you how to get along better with these kinds of people, or at least how to understand them better and not blame yourself for how they are.

 

[Mtnjac]

Thank you Diana-M! You are likely spot on. Your words feel right.

I’ve been almost ashamed to admit that my relationship with my son has been disappointing on many levels, sometimes blaming myself for being a bad mother when I am certain of my loving intentions.

It is helpful to know that you have experienced the same, although my heart reaches out to you, knowing your pain over this subject.

I also appreciate the book recommendation which I’ll hasten to find. My son was one of the first subjects on my journal list although I’ve deliberately avoided it thus far. Sigh. There is, indeed, much to say and examine.

Finally, the tags I see on my post are almost shocking but I know they are true. I don’t know how they got there but they are serving as a reminder for me to deeply journal as I believe I have to date, albeit with this sacred exception.

Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

 

[Diana-M]

@Mtnjac !

you actually made me cry with your sympathy. I appreciate it. this is a phenomenally difficult topic. After I wrote to you —I was worried that I was maybe a little too harsh yanking you out of denial. it takes a while to see what’s really going on. And It’s very painful. There is nothing worse than the feeling like you failed as a mother or that you don’t like your child —if you’re even honest enough to say it. I really feel like this book that I recommended is a life changer for me because it shows me that I have been absorbing his messages to me that I’m a bad mother. I actually never felt that way until he started implying a lot of things and he made me walk on eggshells. I was starting to come to the conclusion that I need to just avoid him— but just like you —as you’re aging, you think about how you’re going to need your kids, probably as you get older, and this makes you basically want to deny things about the relationship.

the most emotional and sad part to me about it all is that a child will never understand how much a mother loves them, how much you’ve sacrificed for them and how much you want the very best for them. I think a part of me was thinking that I’ll always be “raising him,” contributing to his well-being in a way— no matter how old he is. but that’s a lie. he is well on his way in adulthood. he has two children and one of them is almost 13 (my grandsons). His life is his own. If he wants to be sad, crabby, cranky, lonely, disillusioned.. so be it. he tells his brothers that his life is bad because he had a bad childhood. I can vouch for that. I was a single mother. His father was abusive. I had to leave. it was very difficult and a rough ride. But we made it through. At this point, everybody has a job, a home. they’re functioning in society and life. All three of them are very successful. And all three of them are very damaged emotionally. But so am I! I did my best and gave it my all. Now it’s time for them to live on their own and live their own way.

this is an ongoing journey for me —so if you follow me, you’ll see me writing about this a lot! Lol

the tags on your post I put on there. I was hoping other people would be able to find this based on what we’re talking about. (you can take them off or change them if you want to. just hit the edit button.)

my heart goes out to you, too! truly!

 

[homorobothead]

Today, Day 10 of SEP, I’m asked to name a person I avoid telling my true feelings. And why.

I hide my feelings from my son. Here are my reasons, rational or not:

He’s a very busy man.
He’s not the empathetic type.
He might see me as weak.
He might not confide in me if he thinks I have deep issues of my own.
He might become overly protective and I want to appear competent to ensure ongoing independence.
He has a short attention capability and I tend to be long-winded. He wants to hear sound bites and bottom lines. I am much too thorough.
I want his life to be uncomplicated by my problems. This stems from my resenting my own mother’s troubles.
He might think I’m a hypochondriac.

‘Nuff said.

Hey @Mtnjac,

I see that @Diane-M is already here and doing such a beautiful job, but since you were so helpful and kind to me yesterday, I wanted to offer you some of the support you so freely gave to me and tell you that I think that everything you have to say is interesting and worthy. The only person who really cared for me in my family was my Mameire (Cajun for grandmother) and she told the longest stories ever, but I loved sitting tucked against her side in her recliner and listening to her voice.

I think that being "long-winded" is critical for true self expression and I love to read, so if you ever find yourself wanting to really unload and worry that it might annoy people, you can always count on me to read it.

 

[Mtnjac]

@Mtnjac !

you actually made me cry with your sympathy. I appreciate it. this is a phenomenally difficult topic. After I wrote to you —I was worried that I was maybe a little too harsh yanking you out of denial. it takes a while to see what’s really going on. And It’s very painful. There is nothing worse than the feeling like you failed as a mother or that you don’t like your child —if you’re even honest enough to say it. I really feel like this book that I recommended is a life changer for me because it shows me that I have been absorbing his messages to me that I’m a bad mother. I actually never felt that way until he started implying a lot of things and he made me walk on eggshells. I was starting to come to the conclusion that I need to just avoid him— but just like you —as you’re aging, you think about how you’re going to need your kids, probably as you get older, and this makes you basically want to deny things about the relationship.

I’ve been in so much pain lately emotionally, and physically that I’ve been saying screw it. if I’m alone, I’ll have to find some charity to help me or maybe my other kids will help me or friends or who knows… I don’t need to pander to someone who’s not being fair or nice to me whether they’re my kid or not.

the most emotional and sad part to me about it all is that a child will never understand how much a mother loves them, how much you’ve sacrificed for them and how much you want the very best for them. I think a part of me was thinking that I’ll always be “raising him,” contributing to his well-being in a way— no matter how old he is. but that’s a lie. he is well on his way in adulthood. he has two children and one of them is almost 13 (my grandsons). His life is his own. If he wants to be sad, crabby, cranky, lonely, disillusioned.. so be it. he tells his brothers that his life is bad because he had a bad childhood. I can vouch for that. I was a single mother. His father was abusive. I had to leave. it was very difficult and a rough ride. But we made it through. At this point, everybody has a job, a home. they’re functioning in society and life. All three of them are very successful. And all three of them are very damaged emotionally. But so am I! I did my best and gave it my all. Now it’s time for them to live on their own and live their own way.

this is an ongoing journey for me —so if you follow me, you’ll see me writing about this a lot! Lol

the tags on your post I put on there. I was hoping other people would be able to find this based on what we’re talking about. (you can take them off or change them if you want to. just hit the edit button.)

my heart goes out to you, too! truly!

Hi there, sister-in-pain over being a mother.

Your vulnerability to your son(s) is unlike anything in this world. I know how stinging indifference, unavailability and silence can be. When from your child, it cuts into your very soul.

I also left my son’s father, was a single Mom and eventually remarried. I lost my Beloved after 42 years of marriage only 4 years ago. He was sick a very long time. It kicked my ass.

My only child lived far away. As I am getting up in age, he encouraged me to move closer to him and after my dreams and my husband died, I made the move across country. Since, it’s been like getting to know him all over again. And boy, even at his age, he hasn’t changed a bit and doesn’t have a clue.

To be succinct, although he’s tried hard to be helpful in many ways, I have discovered that he’s as difficult now as he was twenty years ago when we moved away to retire. His fiancé recently confided that he said he had an unhappy childhood. Well, you know that one! Here I thought he’d outgrown that belief. But seeing his behavior up close now, and not being separated by many miles, everything I’ve denied for years still exists. Worse, he reminds me so much of his Dad’s behaviors such that it drags me back in time to a place I thought I’d left.

Our pain, yours and mine, is from feeling guilty, that we somehow failed them, even that they learned their unacceptable behavior from us! That in turn causes us to look at ourselves unfairly, without perspective.

Even though we may have been imperfect, I think I can speak for both of us: We put them first at a personal cost. And we still do, damn it. That’s gotta change.

Like you, I’m incensed and walk on eggshells to avoid drama. I practice just getting along. Not interrupting, although he does, not giving advice, just being a smiling, mute listener. He likes me that way. I hate the imbalance.

You did a great job as a mother Diana. If you had not, you could not possibly hurt as you have.

 

[Mtnjac]

Hey @Mtnjac,

I see that @Diane-M is already here and doing such a beautiful job, but since you were so helpful and kind to me yesterday, I wanted to offer you some of the support you so freely gave to me and tell you that I think that everything you have to say is interesting and worthy. The only person who really cared for me in my family was my Mameire (Cajun for grandmother) and she told the longest stories ever, but I loved sitting tucked against her side in her recliner and listening to her voice.

I think that being "long-winded" is critical for true self expression and I love to read, so if you ever find yourself wanting to really unload and worry that it might annoy people, you can always count on me to read it.

You are beyond generous! I love the example of your Grandmother. I didn’t experience her voice, but mine sat me beside her to teach me to crochet and she made me feel like I had X-ray vision when she asked me to thread the needle on her ancient sewing machine.

I share your love of reading but more-so, I like to write. In my youth, I couldn’t express myself in our home, so writing became my silent voice.

My son is simply a short-on-time, bottom line man, who finds long discussions on topics that are not of interest, excruciating. Beyond that, he cannot explain his resistance to involved conversations about anything. I find our frequent, but brief encounters, meaningless. He calls daily to check on me and once satisfied that I’m ok, hurries off.

I am grateful for your offer. Thank you! I know I must tackle this problem with tools I am now learning. Perhaps I just need to accept life as it comes and that includes loving my son as ever, but not expecting anything more.

I have been thinking about you and pray that you and your Beloved are in sync.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I find our frequent, but brief encounters, meaningless. He calls daily to check on me and once satisfied that I’m ok, hurries off.

Ugh! This is not good for either of you. I'm all for checking in after we reach a certain age, but there are options if you're interested in doing some brainstorming (other people might find them worth considering).

 

[Mtnjac]

Ugh! This is not good for either of you. I'm all for checking in after we reach a certain age, but there are options if you're interested in doing some brainstorming (other people might find them worth considering).

I am very open to brainstorming the options JanA. Not sure how to proceed though. For now, he’s mostly loving and upbeat, but as I said, he rarely makes quality time for us.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I am very open to brainstorming the options JanA. Not sure how to proceed though.

I'm actually thinking of concrete alternatives. The whole "checking in" thing is problematic! When I reached 65 at about the same time that I was suddenly no longer going to my shared office every day, I realized that I needed to figure out a way to check in with someone, because if something god forbid should happen, I want to be found. But I hated the thought of finding someone else to do it with me or for me or whatever because of the obligation involved. It just kinda sucks. You say your son is loving and upbeat, but you also said that you can sense that when it comes to these phone calls, you sense his rush to get off the phone quickly - and that sucks, too! I suspect that checking in with you is something that the two of you did not discuss, he's just doing it because he believes that he "should" and we all know about "shoulds", right? But it's an imposition, really, and it makes you unhappy the way it's being handled.

So - you need to be proactive. Checking in is a good idea - that's non-negotiable. I recommend that you tell your son that you appreciate the fact that he checks in every day, but that you would like to text him at or no later than a certain time every day, just to report that you're still standing. And make sure that you do it - use a recurring alarm on your phone or your Echo to make it simple.

Then it's up to him to pick up the phone every once in a while and give you a call when he wants to. Whether he does so or not is a different issue.

I forget if you mentioned where you are living. If it's in a retirement community, there is probably already a check-in service in place and your son is your ICE contact. Problem solved - he doesn't need to check in every day. But the texting idea reminds him that he can call when it feels like something he'd like to do.

Texting is the option that makes the most sense when you have a family member nearby. I don't, and there are times when I don't see my neighbors for a couple of days even though I'm in a condo. Being a techno-geek, I figured there had to be technology alternatives, and there are. I use an automatic check-in service called Snug, which is free to use for one checkin per day. I believe they make their money by offering monthly "emergency button" service through the phone app in addition to the regular check-in service. I'm not ready for a panic button yet - and by the time I am, I'll be in a different living situation. In the meantime, I've set up the app so that I get my first early reminder at 7am - the notification shows up on my phone, but it's silent. At 9am I get a push notification with sound and text telling me it's time to check in. At 9:50 I get a text message warning me that my contact (a friend who still works full time and has a very predictable lifestyle) will receive a text if I don't check in by 10am. I've been known to get distracted and leave my phone in the bedroom and miss the alerts. If my friend gets that text, she'll be on the phone within seconds and I better pick up or I'm in trouble, because then she'll be calling one of my immediate neighbors to ask them if my car is outside and they'll be banging on the door and getting my key from the manager...

Getting old - it ain't for sissies...

 

[Mtnjac]

Checking in is a good idea - that's non-negotiable. I recommend that you tell your son that you appreciate the fact that he checks in every day, but that you would like to text him at or no later than a certain time every day, just to report that you're still standing.

This may be a good idea. I’ll bring up the subject. I do anticipate that he’ll say that he likes to hear my voice (for short periods) or some such thing. The main problem is that when he asks me how my day went, I tell him the highlights. It’s the length of my highlights that seem to annoy him. In turn, his highlights are down to sixty seconds.

No, I am not in a retirement community. I continue to live in a house after having relocated to the PNW to be near my son. He subsequently moved to the same neighborhood with his fiancée. It’s a comfort to know they will help me if needed.

When I lived in the mountains of Colorado, I was completely alone. There, I switched check-ins with another widow. Wish I’d known about Snug then! Will keep it in mind anyway as my son travels.

Yes, getting old can be problematic. You are fortunate to be proficient with devices! Since they are not intuitive, I depend on Youtube and the Internet more than I want to. At least my laptop Windows and Word programs are unchanged for now.

Thank you again for the “concrete” suggestions. You are such a great resource on this board, responding to our needs so graciously.