Day 18 Avoid-hide-ignore (aieeee)

[Volcano1963]

The day 18 prompt to look at my journal entries to see what emotions are most prevelant was/is really hard. I drift away from the SEP but then keep coming back because every once in a while i get an acute stab of pain in my right labial groin. It lingers which tells me that I need to try to come into emotional contact with what is going on. Doing the SEP and taking in the resources within the TMSwiki (and the vast resources on mindbody beyond the wiki) has helped eliminate the paralyzing pain in the left side of my body. Now i am back with just the pain on the right side of my body centered in my hip/pelvis. When this pain flared up a year ago I attributed it to getting injured by overexerting in my 3rd week of a new strength training class. Now I recognize it as a continued manifestation of TMS that has been going on for years. When my TMS flared up I had adequate physical “reasons” for its onset, its a labial tear, osteoporosis, hip cartilage degradation, etc. But it goes away, until it comes flaring back. Its hard for me to get to my emotions. My journal is filled with feelings from crushing expectations. Feeling like i am special (my parents always told me so) and therefore I ought to show up in the world as such. But i’m not living my potential. I feel inadequate. Is that an emotion? I don’t think so. I know I’ve done a lot in my life, career wise and relationship wise. I’ve been there for people who needed me and the world is a better place for my actions, but i could have done so much more. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away. So many of my friends are so much more accomplished. I’ve squandered so much potential. What is the emotion that comes with this? It doesn’t feel like regret, it feels more like self flagellation. I know i am being unkind to myself, but that’s how i feel. Its easy for me to rationalize it away, but it stays there underneath. In my psychotherapy sessions, we’ve had a hard time moving forward with EMDR because I’ve not been able to settle into a safe place. Everytime i conjure up a place it disappears and becomes another place. I presume this relates to the instability i experienced as a kid. Sourrounded by a “loving” nuclear family but always moving from one city to another. I was going to correct my typo of sourrounded but then wondered if there was something in that worth considering. I feel weird blabbering on in this way. But I trust there is some healing that will come from it.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

What is the emotion that comes with this?

Guilt and fear I would say most likely - what I would ask is if you had to talk to someone who on your metrics wasn't as accomplished as you, would you tell them the same thing? You'd probably flip your tune and say "they contribute to society in their own way and should be proud of themselves" - if I have that right, then what you're feeling and thinking doesn't align with your values so it isn't really you. You've taken on this way of thinking from someone else to protect yourself - from what and from who? Only you can answer that, but it's probably judgment from someone specific or the collective - if you can be comfortable with someone (whomever you fear the judgment from most) thinking that you've wasted your potential and let them have it (because that doesn't align with your values), then you're free

 

[JanAtheCPA]

journal is filled with feelings from crushing expectations. Feeling like i am special (my parents always told me so) and therefore I ought to show up in the world as such. But i’m not living my potential. I feel inadequate. Is that an emotion? I don’t think so. I know I’ve done a lot in my life, career wise and relationship wise. I’ve been there for people who needed me and the world is a better place for my actions, but i could have done so much more

it's probably judgment

You've taken on this way of thinking from someone else

There ya go, @Volcano1963. The internal emotional conflict which results in our many symptoms is very often coming from the pressure of being judged, whether it's by others or by our selves. Our stress response to being judged doesn't come out of nowhere - there's a genesis somewhere in your past (spoiler: it's always from childhood. Always).

I also have a strong recommendation for you to help you move forward, which is to stop describing your symptom details. Look at the time, energy, and number of words in your posts which go into physical details. That's fine and understandable for introductory posts, but now it's time to learn a new habit, which is to simply say "my TMS symptoms" - - and call it good. The details are distracting and ultimately irrelevant! You're on the right path, you just need to adjust as you progress.

 

[Volcano1963]

Wow @Adam Coloretti (coach) and @JanAtheCPA, your responses gob-smacked me, in a good way. I was preening like a peacock with self congratulation that i was no longer in paralyzing pain thanks to my new Sarno-enhanced mindset. But I remained confused by the lingering presence of TMS symptoms. Looking into the tangle of judgements woven into my being (that’s what I got from Adam’s response) feels surgically explosive. Like I’m going to hit a vien and vital juices will splurt and drain out. Thank you both for shedding light on this path i hadn’t seen on my own.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Thank you both for shedding light on this path i hadn’t seen on my own.

You're welcome I'm so glad it resonated!

 

[Rubynea]

There ya go, @Volcano1963. The internal emotional conflict which results in our many symptoms is very often coming from the pressure of being judged, whether it's by others or by our selves. Our stress response to being judged doesn't come out of nowhere - there's a genesis somewhere in your past (spoiler: it's always from childhood. Always).

I also have a strong recommendation for you to help you move forward, which is to stop describing your symptom details. Look at the time, energy, and number of words in your posts which go into physical details. That's fine and understandable for introductory posts, but now it's time to learn a new habit, which is to simply say "my TMS symptoms" - - and call it good. The details are distracting and ultimately irrelevant! You're on the right path, you just need to adjust as you progress.

It happened to me too! Thank you for this helpful recommendation!

 

[Ellen]

I feel inadequate. Is that an emotion? .

I think the emotion is shame. It took me awhile to see this in myself, but when I did I could trace it to my childhood. Feeling like I hadn't done well enough, wasn't good enough. It brought shame.

I saw an interview with Dr. Schubiner once where he said that while Dr. Sarno mostly saw anger and rage, he now sees more guilt and shame in his patients.

 

[Ellen]

Like I’m going to hit a vien and vital juices will splurt and drain out.

@Volcano1963 now I know why you chose your screen name--lol

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@Volcano1963 now I know why you chose your screen name--lol

 

[Volcano1963]

@Volcano1963 now I know why you chose your screen name--lol

;-)
It’s got a dual meaning but primarily relates to my experience in 1963 of watching Surtsey being born off the coast of Iceland. I was a kid leaving the security of an American suburb for a new life with my family in Europe (for Dad’s supposedly but not temporary new job). We flew over a volcano popping out of the ocean right outside my window and all the passengers from the other side of the Icelandic Airline flight rushed to get a look until the pilot told them to get back to their seats and he would circle around the volcano for everyone to get a look. It always felt like an apt introduction to the next several years of what this wide-eyed curious little girl (me) was going to experience.