Hey sweetheart,
The restrictive diet was anti-Candida which meant no sugars of any kind (including fruit), no yeast, no dairy...I can’t recall all the sanctions now as it was almost 30 years ago. I also saw a colonic irrigationist who on top of that indignity, regularly gave me foul herbs to take in the hopes they would kill off the Candida overgrowth. It was all very expensive and hopeless. I finally experienced relief when I took some probiotics. I had no expectation they would work as I’d tried a million things during that time. But they did, placebo or otherwise.
I was very leary of adding the forbidden foods to my diet again but I grew in confidence as time passed. During this time I was dancing a lot (pretty much everyday) and was naturally very slim and toned. Oh to be young again.
In my 30’s I started to suffer with Trigeminal Neuralgia and that put the mockers on eating properly for quite a long time. Once again I lost weight. I was tiny and eating was fraught with anxiety. It took me a long time to defeat that.
One thing that made a huge difference for me was that I started to follow The Weston Price diet as I was terrified that TN would cause dental problems. This way of eating galvanised my health and included my beloved dairy.
The weight gain itself has happened naturally over the years. A few days ago I was speaking with a cashier at the supermarket and she was bemoaning being flat-chested. I told her that I was pretty much that way until recent years and she was stunned because these days I am extremely voluptuous. I always wanted to be curvy and now that I am I do enjoy how grounded and earthy my body feels.
As I was gaining weight I did experience a surprising amount of judgement from other people. Some of it was really hurtful, spiteful even. Bullying from others which feeds our own inner bully and inner critic is a prime avenue of emotional exploration (being good enough, and other garden variety self-esteem issues). I do think it’s worth reflecting on these vulnerabilities because they can cause/contribute not only to TMS but also to weight gain and weight loss. Like it or not our culture is based on viscous scrutiny of the female body. I much prefer to embrace the goddess images of pre-history. I find them beautiful and healing.
Give these things time to resolve. Anything that creates tension is not worth your attention. Instead focus on self-love and self-acceptance. Care for your body, tend to her, listen to her. I find small gestures make such a positive difference such as after showering I gently massaging a luxuriant oil into my body and mindfully counter any negative self-talk that may arise. I don’t think we even realise we do it.
Plum x
thank you, plum. this is very helpful. i have been a big weston price fan for many years and what is so strange to me is that everything i read about "being healthy" are things i have been doing for all these years...organic diet, minimal processed foods, grass fed this and pasture raised that, plenty of nature and sunshine, tuning in to circadian rhythms, grounding, emf mitigation, meditation, plant based supplements, minimal external stresses, blah blah blah...i mean, seriously, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! lol this is what makes it so frustrating. there seems to be nothing to add to what i already do, nothing external anyway, yet something is still "off". and this is what makes me think it must be tms. i eat just about as much as my husband eats, yet i am not gaining. i will say that the way we eat is not a fattening diet anyway, so that may be part of it. he is thin as well, but not "skinny" like i am. perhaps like you, i can add more precious dairy back, and i do long for my delicious homemade wheat breads.
you are so right about people's comments. they think it's funny and they all want to "give you their extra fat". gets old. i just want my clothes to fit me again. i don't want to look at sagging skin. i realize i am older and i do not expect, nor do i need to, look 25 again, but i have always looked much younger than my age but feel i have lost that bit of self esteem. you are absolutely right about the "vicious scrutiny" of the female body! i have always been thin, steadily through the years the same weight as i was in high school. i was proud of this fact, but what it doesn't allow is much leeway to LOSE any significant amount. and i have. from 105 to 88. i am just pulling out of an orthorexic period with severe anxiety over food.
i do feel better every day doing the tms work, and i just need the patience to give my body time to balance into a reasonable weight. i know you are right about giving it time and turning my attention toward caring for myself. i have done this in the many ways i mentioned above, but not given myself the "selfish" pampering you are speaking about. thank you again for sharing. i feel your very kind heart. i am encouraged.
