Anyone else finding the pandemic, you know, like a total drag?!

B

banjoman

Peer Supporter
I’m totally fed up with TMS now. I’ve been recovering for many years now and I’ve put so many different symptoms to bed, yet the symptom imperative feels like a game of Whack-a-Mole.

At the moment I have heart palpitations. Interspersed with shortness of breath and a tiny bit of dizziness. Kinda depends on which one gets my attention the most. Spoke to my doctor today to rule out a possible heart attack (I’m not having a heart attack apparently), and he suggested I also rule out Covid so that I could stop worrying about that. So I had a Covid test today, just so that I know I don’t have it (obsessive, TMS thinking 101).

Honestly I’m worn out with the pandemic. I made the mistake 3 weeks ago of sinking back into the news, daily counts, the fear, the anguish, the doom and I had two instances where I was a possible close contact (albeit with very very low risk and low numbers where I live, but tell that to my obsessive worrying mind).

But I’m tired. I’m exhausted from the worry, I’ve gone into freeze-response (I’ve a TON of trauma in my life) and I would just like to feel some peace of mind, some joy and some energy again.
I had about 6 weeks in October/November of total peace and gratitude so I know it’s possible and intellectually I know this is a TMS surge. But when I’m in it, it feels so real and so eternal.

Breathwork has been difficult as I obsess about my breathing. Meditation brings on heart palpitations.

This time of year is a massive trigger as it brings up intense trauma and fear.

Would love to hear suggestions on calming things down and turning the TMS dial back down again.

laughing always helps, but hard to find laughter in lockdown.


Should probably say that I have 100% healed from the following:

Lower back pain
Tendonitis (both elbows)
Tinnitus
Prostatitis
Hip bursitis
Plantar fasciitis
Over use of parenthes-itis
 
Meditation! Make sure you go at least 40 minutes per session. Takes a while to get there, but it works. At least for me.
 
banjoman said:
I made the mistake 3 weeks ago of sinking back into the news
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I wonder why they call it the 'NEWS' when it's always the same OLD shit? They oughta call it the 'SOS'. I can start getting mild TMS symptoms just from the news...reading stories of political adversaries and covid gloom. Don't do it! Listen to Tim Dillon, Anthony Jeselnik ...any comedian you like.... don't do the news! It is McDonalds for your brain.

banjoman said:
I’ve a TON of trauma in my life
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Two people very close to me had mental breakdowns this year. A different two other people very close to me had substance abuse issues peak this year. I have been sober for 6 years and even I, after a lot of personal stress caught myself kicking around the same dumb idea in a moment of despair. They warned us... the lockdown could be worse than what it is protecting us from (allegedly)

My Dog is my counselor. She doesn't watch the news, doesn't tell me horror stories, is always in a good mood and only wants to play. its hard to get feeling too sorry for myself (My favorite sin...self pity) when some other living being is 100% love and joy all of the time. Get a pet?
 
I'm with @TG957 - but there's no way I can meditate for 40 minutes - and I need an app to keep me on track even to do 10 minutes. And I am very resistant to it, and yes, there are times I sit down and I feel really jittery, and like my heart rate is high. But I've learned to tell myself that it's okay to meditate anyway, even if it's not the most productive session I've ever had. Who cares? It doesn't have to be perfect. I repeat: It. Does. Not. Have. To. Be. Perfect.

Palpitations as soon as you sit down to meditate are obviously from your brain, not from your heart muscle, and I know you know this, @banjoman . So just tell your poor fearful brain that it's okay, they aren't dangerous, and that you want to meditate anyway because it is better than living in terror for the next ten minutes.

~Jan
 
banjoman said:
laughing always helps, but hard to find laughter in lockdown.
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Well, I think you're onto something very huge for me there. If it was not for laughter----just laughing at myself, the world, my friends ---I'd probably be very depressed.

I think this isolation, and pressure to not get sick, fears, and all the rest is hugely hard on most of us. I am used to living in isolation eating beans and canned milk for months, and this whole shebang is pushing it even for me. I have lost the many times a month that I would jam with friends, play wild music and roll on the floor, do ecstatic dance ---deep immersions which allow so much unbridled aliveness and are true PLAY. Hugely balancing and regulating to my system, these things. Now I get away every month or two, hike, meditate, and this is good too. But the human connection isn't there.

I appreciate the others' stories here. Makes me feel more normal and human.

I spoke with a good friend psychologist the other day and she said she feels all her clients are more anxious, overwhelmed, and/or depressed. It is like the air we breathe these days, many of us. I see how it exaggerates my personality imbalances! May we be guidance, love and peace as best we can...
 
Baseball65 said:
I wonder why they call it the 'NEWS' when it's always the same OLD shit? They oughta call it the 'SOS'. I can start getting mild TMS symptoms just from the news...reading stories of political adversaries and covid gloom. Don't do it! Listen to Tim Dillon, Anthony Jeselnik ...any comedian you like.... don't do the news! It is McDonalds for your brain.



Two people very close to me had mental breakdowns this year. A different two other people very close to me had substance abuse issues peak this year. I have been sober for 6 years and even I, after a lot of personal stress caught myself kicking around the same dumb idea in a moment of despair. They warned us... the lockdown could be worse than what it is protecting us from (allegedly)

My Dog is my counselor. She doesn't watch the news, doesn't tell me horror stories, is always in a good mood and only wants to play. its hard to get feeling too sorry for myself (My favorite sin...self pity) when some other living being is 100% love and joy all of the time. Get a pet?
Click to expand...

Ohhh Baseball. . .now you have to contend with all of the crap going on in Nashville....stay well, stay sane. Life is sure throwing it at us!
Lainey
 
Lainey said:
all of the crap going on in Nashville
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Yes... that was peculiar. I park in the parking lot across the street from the blast, when I go downtown. In fact, I was there on Monday morning last. BUT, in keeping with the theme of this post, I was alerted to that explosion happening by my friends in NYC and Los Angeles. I know this sounds mean, BUT I would rather be in Nashville with a conscientious Bomber than in NYC and LA with their ever deteriorating quality of life.
As a TMS prone individual and just as likely to get sucked into a 'story' as the next guy, I let my peers inform me of stuff. I do not own a TV or a smart phone and everything that matters gets to me one way or another

I spent Xmas eve in the emergency room with someone who I am very close with... they overdosed on drugs and I am certain the lockdown and the loneliness and despair was a part of it. Two friends had mental breaks this year that effectively destroyed them.... the list keeps going on...

But 'the news'.
 
Baseball65 said:
Yes... that was peculiar. I park in the parking lot across the street from the blast, when I go downtown. In fact, I was there on Monday morning last. BUT, in keeping with the theme of this post, I was alerted to that explosion happening by my friends in NYC and Los Angeles. I know this sounds mean, BUT I would rather be in Nashville with a conscientious Bomber than in NYC and LA with their ever deteriorating quality of life.
As a TMS prone individual and just as likely to get sucked into a 'story' as the next guy, I let my peers inform me of stuff. I do not own a TV or a smart phone and everything that matters gets to me one way or another

I spent Xmas eve in the emergency room with someone who I am very close with... they overdosed on drugs and I am certain the lockdown and the loneliness and despair was a part of it. Two friends had mental breaks this year that effectively destroyed them.... the list keeps going on...

But 'the news'.
Click to expand...


The 'news' is toxic. Leaves one with a hollowness or a sense of dread, or both. You are probably better off without such 'conveniences'.....
 
Well, short update. My GP advised me to attend the emergency room on New Year’s Day as I had palpitations, light headedness and shortness of breath. I was happy to go because I knew deep down this was TMS but it would be very worthwhile having a doctor in a white coat tell me I’m healthy. ECG, chest x-ray, heart and lung soundings and blood panel later guess what? I’m healthy as a trout.

Home I go.

Then Ireland’s Covid rate goes nuclear and I panic wondering why I chose to spend half a day IN A HOSPITAL during a pandemic!! I went in Covid negative and without any issues, maybe now I got Covid there!! The fear is unbelievable and the ways it finds to stick its claws in deep is incredible.

So, I hang out trying not to worry and let the days pass, reassuring myself that I feel fine, which I do. Get to 9 days and reckon, I’d have it by now!! So here’s how my brain works:

I don’t have Covid
I don’t have a heart problem
I don’t have a lung problem

Here’s some completely new, never before experienced thigh pain in both legs!!!! Wow, my brain loves this one. Fear, dread, is this the time I lose the ability to walk. So much fear.

Back to the books - Ozanich, Maté, reading success stories here and on SIRPA. Inquire about somatic experiencing. Get an appointment. Go to clear out my garage as a distraction from the leg pain. Notice that I’ve just raised a ton of dust in the air.......... chest tightens and leg pain DISAPPEARS.
I know what’s happening, I understand TMS completely. BUT still the fear of not being able to breathe takes hold. OMG I need help.

underlying so much of this is a very deep, intense, massive fear of Covid, dying, the isolation and abandonment of going to hospital alone, the horror stories from NY and Italy etc
I’m a healthy 44 year old with no underlying conditions. But my traumas are very deep, dry active.

And I need help.

It helps enormously that so many replied to my post.

thank you
 
banjoman said:
Go to clear out my garage as a distraction from the leg pain. Notice that I’ve just raised a ton of dust in the air.......... chest tightens and leg pain Disappears....
... OMG I need help.
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OMG - you said earlier that laughter is hard to find during lock down - and then you describe this?

Look, I've had plenty of my own issues this last year, but I can assure you that if this was me (and in fact it has been, many times) I'd be laughing my head off. At myself.

Please believe me, and please have faith, as I tell you that when you finally get to the point where you are able to see this happening, and manage to laugh at it, you'll know that you've turned a crucial corner.

You WILL get there.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
Look, I've had plenty of my own issues this last year, but I can assure you that if this was me (and in fact it has been, many times) I'd be laughing my head off. At myself.

You WILL get there.
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haha that’s awesome! And indeed, I laugh at back pain now, when I’ve previously slept on the floor for months at a time and carried special seats all over the world and spent thousands on treatments. I’ve 100% confidence that back pain for me is nonsense. Now to achieve that same confidence in other physical aspects.....

thank you ❤️
 
Ohh Banjoman, I totally get it. Not so easy to simply laugh at ourselves. Sometimes the pain can overwhelm, increased by the day-to-day fears of things we never even considered a year ago.

Isolation, more isolation and then more isolation for most of us. It is not always a panacea. . yet sometimes being alone with ourselves is good.
We can see where we are, and it is not always pretty, but nevertheless, here we are. . .sometimes afraid, often worried about things we have little or sometimes no control over.

Yes, I too have the fear of a possible severe outcome from this dreaded disease, but am doing what I can to stay safe, and SANE. One of my neighbors is an ER Doc and I had to laugh with him when he came to my house to help move a piece of furniture from one room to another. He walks in, face mask on, announcing. . .I'm radioactive! He smiled (could tell by the glint in his eye, and I laughed. Yes, all of us are potentially 'radioactive'.

My own physical issues have subsided for the most part. . .I still have back pain at times, leg cramping, and oftentimes use a hiking stick to help me navigate around, trying to take walks, etc. BUT, overall, I am much, much better and realize the pain is part and parcel of my current being in the world. You can get through this too. May we all get through this, maybe a bit wiser about a lot of things. For me, having time to just be has given me an extra dose of mindfulness, knowing my own mind with more calmness and acceptance.

Kindly
Lainey
 
banjoman said:
I had about 6 weeks in October/November of total peace and gratitude so I know it’s possible
Click to expand...
Hey banjoman, how (or what) were you doing [or not doing] then {and not now}?

{Also}, how were you able to heal [100%] from (parentheses-itis)? I thought it was "over use", too, but maybe it is just my mind's way of distracting me grammatically from emotional pain (fear of periods of exclamation!!![and marked questions???]) Maybe if I stop using the {braces} for support, it will disappear into humorous ellipses...))):D
 
richard13 said:
Hey banjoman, how (or what) were you doing [or not doing] then {and not now}?

{Also}, how were you able to heal [100%] from (parentheses-itis)? I thought it was "over use", too, but maybe it is just my mind's way of distracting me grammatically from emotional pain (fear of periods of exclamation!!![and marked questions???]) Maybe if I stop using the {braces} for support, it will disappear into humorous ellipses...))):D
Click to expand...
HAHAHA, it's an affliction (But it gets easier)
 
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