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Day 15 any one else have lots of arguments when they started the wiki ?

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by nelle, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Day 15 , i have had so many arguments with my partner since starting this program . Have other people found this to happen for them? . Im not intentional picking fights with him . When im triggered by him or his behaviour towards me i just dont seam able to sweep it under the carpet. i seam to be expressing my truth in the situation when i dont feel its respectful or just .I think my partner has noticed a change in me and is rocking my self esteem a bit . I dont think he is doing intentionally ( he is not a bad person at all ) . How ever it really dose feel like he is not sure about my more self assured stance and has been saying things that rock my self confidence .usually about my weight and then just sais its a joke .

    observing this is an eye opener and feels very sad.
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Nelle. Maybe your partner is a little jealous that you sense you are benefiting from the SEProgram.
    I wouldn't let his digs about your weight trouble you. It isn't fair of him to mention it and then say he's joking.
    That's having his cake and eating it, too.

    Stay self-assured, that TMS is helping you.
  3. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    It is great that you are having a voice. Keep going towards your own true self. You may need to set boundaries with your partner around these provocative hurtful triggers. I would sit down and explain vulnerably what feels damaging to you about his behavior and see how he responds.

    Sometimes it is our closest relationships that can be a significant contribution to our tms. Working together to uncover our true selves in a journey of emotional growth can be one of tms's greatests gifts. This is what happened in my case.
    plum likes this.
  4. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Im glad for you birdsetfree , i hope it will help me also too be closer to my true self . I tried to explain to my partner and tried to set boundaries but he is of a very different understanding . Me trying to explain turned into a 7 hour argument where we totally laid bare all of the things that are not working for us in the relationship . Exhausting for us both im now feeling pretty wobbly and now so confident of much .
  5. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    May I suggest you slow down a little. Give yourself some time to assimilate your emotions as they rise. You don't need to act on them immediately. It is enough to feel them in your body, to recognise the behaviours and thoughts they are linked to. Sometimes we are best practising not now, later.

    I certainly passed through phases of arguing when asserting boundaries. Looking back I see there were ways of doing this that were kinder and more compassionate.

    It is very easy, and indeed natural in the process of healing to want to make sense of encounters, relationships and patterns and this can lead to blaming (of self and others) and recrimination. This is something we pass through on our way to wholeness and to forgiving.

    Oftentimes our head and our hearts are in conflict. Healing is much about the resolution of this inner battle.

    Be of brave and warm heart.
  6. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    good advice Plum , my head and heart are very much in conflict . I am trying to make massive strides forward with problems that have been in my relationship and not dealt with for over five years . Assimilate emotions , sounds hard . They seam to stay in or explode out . its difficult when i am working on my self questioning things , wanting to make a better life for my partner and myself , one that is not self destructive .My partner dosent really seam to want to open and see what we can do to heal . i hope i can be more compassionate too both of us .

    Nelle x
  7. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how exhausting it is.

    My relationship with my husband had been very dysfunctional from the beginning. I went into the relationship with abandonment issues and he soon learnt to control me with threats of leaving and emotional distancing. I learnt to suppress my anger out of fear. The anger started to come out in other ways eventually culminating in physical pain. The pain kept us together because now there was some caring coming over from my husband on some level.

    Once I found tms therapy and we dug into my history I realised I had to face the truths about our relationship. And that there was no going back. My first challenge was to get back to me, accept myself and set boundaries with those affecting me the most. So I had to become confident in who I was before I could effectively address the dysfunctions in the relationship. The boundaries that I set enabled my husband to go on his own self discovery journey which he has embraced and I am very grateful for. Had he not been willing to work on his side of the relationship it would have ended.
  8. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Yes i have abandonment issues too Birdsetfree ,and always have . Im not sure how i managed to chose a partner who becomes emotionally unavailable but he dose often . It is not intentional on his part its how he copes with life but it triggers my insecurities badly.I think i also suppressed anger out of fear and i think my pain did bring us closer together for quite a while but then it chipped away at us .Im so glad your husband did his bit with his own discovery . Im not sure my partner would look at him self , im not sure he would even admit there is a reason too.I guess that is one of the things ive been scared of about over coming my problems and being independent , worried that i wouldn't be able to stay . when i really want to be able to.

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