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Any advice?

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by patty9, Dec 22, 2020.

  1. patty9

    patty9 New Member

    I've been on my recovery process for about three and a half months, and almost all of my symptoms are completely gone and the rest are greatly reduced.

    However, somebody in my life that has been abusive is staying at my family's home (I'm a college student living at home during the pandemic). I feel a tremendous amount of anger towards this person. Within 12 hours of this person arriving at my family's home, I started feeling pain in my back, and it's gotten even stronger in the 2 days later.

    I'm absolutely convinced the pain and this person's arrival are linked. I've been practicing mindfulness a lot and I notice a lot of anger coming up.

    Anyway, in the Mind body prescription, Sarno suggests that when you figure out what is making you angry the pain usually goes away. But I think I know what is behind the pain. So why does the pain continue?

    Do I just need to be more patient? Any other practical tips would be appreciated as well.
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi patty9,

    First, it is great that you've recovered, and, perhaps ironically, I see it as good that you're correlating the emotional field you're in with symptom changes.

    So, yes, as Dr. Sarno says, the first ---and deeply useful approach to use in all situations is clear understanding of the elements involved. You understand that the relationship is stressful, and you understand that part of you is angry, and you're putting this all together, connecting it with symptom changes. Within this you might use statements to help yourself feel safe, also statements or writing to express your rage or fear about this abusive person.

    So firstly, you should be very clear about your inner state and find ways to make it OK for yourself, such as with journaling. I suggest you look at issues of boundaries and Inner Critic, issues of not full clarity in your relationship with this person, and your inner relationship with your feelings about this person. Are there ways you're in inner conflict? Is it truly OK for you to not like this person (even on the inside)?

    As you do all you can on this inner level, then the outer relationship will have more clarity, and you'll have more capacity to express yourself ----if you feel the need to. How do you "take" the abuse, and not express yourself (outwardly)? What outward actions could you take to be fully yourself? Maybe it is simply avoiding this person around the house and really being OK with that. Or perhaps it is to speak your truth with this person: "I want you to know that I avoid you because _____." "I'm not OK when you ____________, and I'll remind you of this."

    Usually when you're fully aware of the situation and you still have symptoms, there is a deeper calling to be yourself, both for yourself, internally or for the world, externally. Being yourself reduces Tension.

  3. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Oh, I meant to add. Being more patient is what our TMS personality types are prone to. I think this is calling you to expand your range of responses, so that your organism can more easily self-regulate. And thinking you know what is behind the pain may be different than "experiencing what is behind the pain."
  4. patty9

    patty9 New Member

    Thank you Andy! This is very helpful, and I will take more time to reflect on my relationship with this person.

    Another thing, in the past I have had dreams in the past about this person where I feel incredibly angry. These are the only dreams I recall where I feel actually enraged. Any tips about this? Or is it just journal/ reflect on these dreams.
  5. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    Our subconscious helps us work through emotions through dreams. Sometimes they are more prolific as these emotions are closer to the consciousness/less repressed. Your rage is understandable and I'm so sorry you have been exposed to abuse. If you still feel unsafe around this person and are unable to execute appropriate physical distance, I would suggest keeping the relationship superficial to reduce your anger triggers.

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