So today i wrote about two and half pages for my journaling exercise which was better than yesterday and i did take a few breaks in between to gather thoughts and jot down what i considered to be important points. Todays journal was about anxiety and how it has affected my life over the last few years. Oddly enough the anxiety began way before any physical symptoms began but i feel that it's an essential key to discovering the real cause to all my pain. And maybe if i dig deep enough into why i have anxiety and why i get panic attacks i'll be able to deal with that issue just as well as the physical aspects to my problems. I really can't pinpoint when the panic attacks begin or really why they started but i contribute stress to it and just over all worry. I've worried about things little and small for as long as i can remember. I remember being in deep worry as far back as a little kid. The reasons i've worried are endless but i believe all the build up of worries could be a reason to why i started to develop physical symptoms. Ironic that today i started to journal about anxiety because today was my first meditation exercise as well. This wasn't my first time meditating as i done this on and off for the last few months. It did feel nice to get a ten minute session in though because i haven't meditated any this week that i can recall. I decided to go lay down on my nephews trampoline instead of sitting up so i could feel extremely relaxed. It was also a lot quiter out there so i thought it would be a better place to meditate without any distraction. I have to admit that when i do meditate my mind often gets very distracted and it's hard to completely free my mind of all thought. I don't really get any negative thoughts i just think of random things and events. I have to say as far as pain goes it hasn't gotten any worse the last few days and it hasn't really extremely improved any either. I don't really get hardly any pain in my left hand(which was the troublemaker for a long time). I still however get some pain in my right hand but just in the middle finger and ring finger around the base of the hand. There has been these weird bulging veins right on the side of these fingers too around the palm area. They feel swollen and i'm not sure if i should worry or just think that this is part of my TMS too because it's a new symptom. I'll wait a few days keep working on the TMS and if it doesn't go away i might make a doctors appointment just to be sure.