Anxiety as a signpost in my healing

Anxiety has been my primary problem for most of my adult life, with TMS type symptoms coming here and there. I am currently taking both Zoloft and Buspar - and they work!.... as long as I have a TMS symptom.

I've been dealing with Dizziness/Vertigo and Pelvic Pain (but never at the same time) so I absolutely know 100% it is TMS.

Anyway the last week or so was mostly pelvic pain and it was getting very frustrating. Out of desperation, I took an Ativan (a benzo) to see what would happen. What do you know, the pain went away for a few hours.

The next morning I woke up with a panic attack. Intense anxiety hunted me the entire weekend. To the point where completely non-sensical things would trigger additional panic (a bird chirping, someone on tv wearing a hat, my wife smiling at me, my kid switching what toy his is playing with, etc). I felt like I couldn't even function. Most of this time the pain was gone.

During a conference call at work this morning, my pelvic pain came back and the intense anxiety pretty much went away. I feel like I can think more clearly and "feel" normal, I just have these pains!

I know many people think anxiety is just another TMS equivalent. I'm not sure I believe that. I've been doing tons of journaling and there just doesn't seem to be that much to uncover. My life is objectively pretty darn good I just feel "fear" all the time for no real specific reason. I think that anxiety is actually what's behind TMS. The anxiety just gets to bad or wants to take a break or something and thats when the pains show up (my theory anyway). There have also been many times in life where the anxiety gets better and I feel good for a period of time without any other symptoms (and for the first 8 years of anxiety I never had any other TMS type issues).

In that case, is getting the pain back "taking a step back" in healing. I feel like I need to deal with anxiety to fully heal. I am so much better at just letting it be, not fighting it, accepting it. It just never goes away - it just retreats back into pain. I know what it feels like to live pain free and anxiety free just not at the same time. I'm actually much less able to "Accept" the pain than I am the anxiety (and therefore even surprised it goes away at times).

I don't have the ability unfortunately to banish the pain and bring back the anxiety so I can deal with it more. I feel like that is where all the "gunk" is, so to speak. Yet I don't know how better to handle it. I am able to think more clearly with the pain, and I can't seem to find any issues to address. When the anxiety/panic strikes it is so intense that I don't know what work to do other than let it be, say everything is going to be ok, etc.

If it was just anxiety for anxiety sake (like with a real injury), it would stand to reason that the more pain I have the more anxiety I have and vice versa.. when the pain goes down you'd think there would be less anxiety.

I just don't know how to get at my mind what it wants to feel better. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it thinks the world is just too scary and when I have these symptoms NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS so why should I stop?

There have been a few minutes here or there where there are no symptoms and it feels soooo weird that one of them will come rushing back. How am I afraid of feeling normal? I remember what feeling normal feels like and it felt pretty good so not sure why I'm afraid of it. I've even done a few meditations where I pretend I'm a knight and all my symptoms are like pieces of armor (defense mechanism) and I slowly take off each piece. As soon as it's just me with no armor PANIC.

Maybe it's really a fear of future relapse keeping me from getting over it in the first place. I've had so many TMS symptoms and anxiety issues I'm sure it'll come back in some form at some point. My logical brain says "well, let's enjoy the good times and if we relapse we deal with it..." where I think my emotional brain says "eh, we are pretty good at suffering already. Let's just stay in this state and that way we don't have to fall back down."

It is frustrating because both me and my mind know I know what he is up to. I've been accepting. I've been looking (and coming up empty) things I need to change in my life. Why won't he just let us be content? I ask in meditation "what is it your are trying to teach me"? Nothing...

Anyone else out there have a similar experience with anxiety? Any advice? Alternate theories on how to role of anxiety plays in TMS? Might it be different for some people vs others? Do I conclude that the medication I am on is pretty much doing nothing? Or maybe I need to go up in even higher dosages if my brain is just.. not great?

 

I always have higher anxiety when im on benzo's. After i used Them. It makes it worse in the long run. I just try not to worry or think anything about my anxiety, its still here but atleast i dont get the second fear like dr claire weekes told us. And she said it takes time for desensitising the nerves. So i have hope it will subside one day and try not to get caught up in worry or any thought about it.

 

Claire Weekes is the go-to resource for anxiety. Read her little book, Hope And Help For Your Nerves. It has saved countless thousands of people from anxiety for decades, myself included. I had anxiety all my life, for no apparent reason, until I started doing this work and got to know my much younger self. The cause wasn't even earth-shattering. In fact it was something I sort of knew all along, just not consciously, which is that I was the first child of an older mother whose first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. So although I never suffered any trauma, she managed to inflict her trauma and worry on me, and I suffered from anxiety off and on for sixty years. It became almost debilitating in 2011 which is when I discovered Dr Sarno, and through this forum, Claire Weekes. I got my life back thanks to the two of them.

 

A large number of people on this forum have had anxiety accompanying their pain symptoms. I am convinced that underlying anxiety and fear is what causes brain to start sending signals of physical pain into the body. I agree with @JanAtheCPA that Claire Weekes is the ultimate resource for anxiety. I also highly recommend her audio in addition to the book. I believe that additional sensory feedback into your brain from the audio will reinforce the message that there is unfounded elevated sense of fear underneath anxiety. It is definitely different from person to person and I advise everybody to create their individual path to recovery. I used to rely in Xanax as my sleeping pill - until I got Sarno's book. I have not taken a single pill in almost 4 years and my sleep is significantly better and I have not experienced that jittery state of mind and body associated with anxiety for at least 3 years. Pills are just masking the real problem that you have in your unbalanced self. Every person can find a way to balance their nervous system. I was able to do that when I realized that my CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) was a by-product of my severe anxiety, which was a by-product of my fear. You can google CRPS to get an idea of what downwards path I was on. My advise is: focus on your mental health, and the pain will go away. Be patient. Play Claire Weekes audios three, five, ten times every day until it starts sinking into your subconscious. Wean yourself off the pills eventually. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient.

 

Re the benzo, it sounds like the placebo effect of taking a pill may be at play. CBD has worked well for pain and anxiety and more sustainable than other medication.

 

I find Lemon Balm tincture is good for anxiety and sleep.

 

I have experienced, in the last few days, sort-of intrusive thoughts which I then respond to anxiety from, because I am second-guessing myself or having doubts. I barely notice the thought itself, but the anxiety makes me think "hey, what was I thinking just now". At first I thought about how I should change my thinking once one of those thoughts appear, but now I realize that the thought itself is a distraction. It may come from making coffee or looking at someone – trivial things as you write. There is a thought that pops up to distract you from the real issues that are on your mind. Looking at the baby switching toys? Great opportunity to throw in this nonsensical thought which he will then respond to with anxiety – brilliant distraction. That's my current thinking at least.