Angry when the pain started

[Misha]

Hello everyone,

When my symptoms started I going through a prolonged stressful time and was consciously feeling angry about a range of issues, mainly within our family. I had actually sat down and expressed these to my husband. I know that Dr. Sarno says the anger you know about is not the issue but I have done a lot of soul searching - present stresses, personality, childhood, and I really feel I am aware of the things making me angry.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I just misguided and not aware of the anger or the depths of it or something else?

Thanks

 

[2BT4U]

My question Sara would first be how did your husband feel about you expressing these issues to him?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi Sara, and welcome to the forum. Your question is one that is asked very frequently by people who are new to this work. Dr. Sarno believes that Freud got it right. Freud says that deep deep down, the young child in each of us is furious about having to grow up, leaving the safety of our mother's breast and facing the harsh realities of life. Even in families without severe dysfunction or abuse, every child experiences early frustration, guilt, and shame for the smallest things. And then at some point we reach the age where we face the reality of our mortality, and the unfairness of knowing about our ultimate death is another big source of rage. As we grow up, these things are buried by our primitive brains, to the point that we forget about them when we are so busy dealing with the newer negative emotions of adulthood and the stresses of everyday living.

Old repressions, plus lifelong sources of anger and stress, plus new stresses that occur every day, plus our goodist/perfectionist personalities - all of these combine to produce our symptoms. Unfortunately, none of this is going to show up in a nice linear list where you can check each negative emotion off one by one. That's because we are human, each human is unique, and the way each brain is put together is very complicated if not totally messy. The one thing that I see getting in the way of many people trying to do this work is their perfectionism - they are looking for the "perfect" way to heal - but that way lies frustration.

The key is to slow down, and listen to the negative messages issuing from your brain. Healing comes when you can change those messages to something that is constructive and positive. Anger is a very shallow emotion, if it even is an emotion. It's actually a distraction from something deeper that your brain wants to protect you from. So when you hear anger messages coming from your brain, ask yourself what is the underlying dangerous emotion associated with the anger? Why does your primitive brain think you are in danger when you come across the thing that makes you angry? The answer probably lies in the way you learned to behave as a child in order to deal with certain situations, or perhaps survive certain situations.

All the best, and keep posting!

~Jan

 

[Misha]

My question Sara would first be how did your husband feel about you expressing these issues to him?

Hi,
He listens but thinks I overreact to things, which just makes me more angry and I don't feel like I've been heard or taken seriously!

 

[Misha]

Hi Sara, and welcome to the forum. Your question is one that is asked very frequently by people who are new to this work. Dr. Sarno believes that Freud got it right. Freud says that deep deep down, the young child in each of us is furious about having to grow up, leaving the safety of our mother's breast and facing the harsh realities of life. Even in families without severe dysfunction or abuse, every child experiences early frustration, guilt, and shame for the smallest things. And then at some point we reach the age where we face the reality of our mortality, and the unfairness of knowing about our ultimate death is another big source of rage. As we grow up, these things are buried by our primitive brains, to the point that we forget about them when we are so busy dealing with the newer negative emotions of adulthood and the stresses of everyday living.

Old repressions, plus lifelong sources of anger and stress, plus new stresses that occur every day, plus our goodist/perfectionist personalities - all of these combine to produce our symptoms. Unfortunately, none of this is going to show up in a nice linear list where you can check each negative emotion off one by one. That's because we are human, each human is unique, and the way each brain is put together is very complicated if not totally messy. The one thing that I see getting in the way of many people trying to do this work is their perfectionism - they are looking for the "perfect" way to heal - but that way lies frustration.

The key is to slow down, and listen to the negative messages issuing from your brain. Healing comes when you can change those messages to something that is constructive and positive. Anger is a very shallow emotion, if it even is an emotion. It's actually a distraction from something deeper that your brain wants to protect you from. So when you hear anger messages coming from your brain, ask yourself what is the underlying dangerous emotion associated with the anger? Why does your primitive brain think you are in danger when you come across the thing that makes you angry? The answer probably lies in the way you learned to behave as a child in order to deal with certain situations, or perhaps survive certain situations.

All the best, and keep posting!

~Jan

Hi Jan,

Thanks so much for your reply

Wow, you are spot on about looking for the 'perfect' way to heal. I keep reading 'just one more book' before I can figure out what is 'exactly the right way' to approach TMS head on, rather than getting on with it! I think I have to find the one perfect strategy i.e. am I meant to be feeling my emotions within my body, or go jogging everyday to challenge the structural diagnosis, or journal or visualise or find a new career/purpose in life and so on!

And I really know what you mean about the negative messages - I have been working a lot on being less self-critical and realising that thoughts are just thoughts, not necessarily truths. But that's been challenging because as a homemaker, I now feel so much less useful, so having TMS has given me a whole new issue!

I understand what you are saying about anger. Another member of this forum also wisely told me to 'look under my anger' for the true emotion. For me, I know I often feel anger, for example, at my husband for little things that really don't matter e.g. leaving a small mess in the kitchen, but I know that I am really feeling unappreciated because it makes me think he feels my time is less important that his and that he doesn't listen to me because I have previously explained how I feel on this matter etc. The frustrating thing is that I feel that I am aware of all this, that I have dredged it up, so why I am not better

You're also so right too about reactions learned in childhood. My parents fought often when I was a child - loudly and in front of us (but not violently). To get them to stop, I would cry. Now, as an adult, my automatic reaction to anything negative is to feel like I want to cry. It's incredibly frustrating because I'll be trying to explain myself to my husband and I just burst into tears. In public, I obviously can't do this. It is my defence to stop conflict.

Thanks again for your post. You've given me much to think about

 

[2BT4U]

Hi,
He listens but thinks I overreact to things, which just makes me more angry and I don't feel like I've been heard or taken seriously!

I'd feel this same way you are trying to talk to hubby about something while you know darn well your getting more angry and agitated!