Day 6 Anger

I've always blamed myself for acting agressively towards my siblings (hitting and yelling) when I was a teen. Today during my journal exercise I realized I've acted that way because that's how I was taught to act by my parents. They often yelled at eachother during fights and threw things trough the room while we were there. They could be extremely mean to eachother. And when I acted out because I couldn't control my rage they (of course) punished me for it.

Had I seen this in a tv show I would have said of course that girl is acting that way, she is copying her parents.... But in my own life it took me getting to the age of 30 before realizing this.

When I grew up I learned to surpress my anger. I hadn't screamed in years... which might be part of the reason I've been in so much pain for years. Today I actually screamed when I felt anger about this, surprised myself. But it feels good to finally acknowledge my feelings about this.

I wasn't a disfunctional kid, I actually used to think there was something wrong with me because I used to get so incredibly mad back then, now I know my tank was just overflowing... I won't judge myself for those moments anymore, I understand now.

 

Hi, Jojo. I was under a lot of pressure one day last week and just let go and screamed. I didn't want to scare my dog
or the neighbors to hear, so I muffled it with a towel. It still felt good. My head was like a pressure cooker and
the scream let out steam. Then I laughed. That always helps a lot. "The best of both possible worlds..."
screaming and laughing.

My older brother used to beat me and was very mean to me. I discovered through SEP journaling that he resented
having to look after our sister and me when he was a boy and into his teen years. Understanding that, I was able
to mentally forgive him, since he had already passed on.

So you have my permission to scream. Just not so loud that I hear it in Chicago.

 

Hi Walt,

I promise you won't hear me in Chicago, I can scream pretty loud, but not that loud I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It must have been hard, I'm glad to hear you we're able to forgive your brother.

When me or my other siblings had a fight we would hit or try to hurt eachother. It would always turn physical really quickly. It wasn't until I was older that I realized there are families where siblings get along much better. I actually looked after 2 of my younger siblings a lot too but I never resented them for that. They were so little still and I loved taking care of them, altough sometimes it was hard just being a kid myself. I guess I kind of resent my older brothers for not taking care of us younger kids when my parents were going at it. But I guess they had their own stuff to deal with too.

SEP journaling is a great way to discover these hidden feelings. I'm surprised how much I started remembering about my childhood once I started writing. Now that I'm starting to work trough sad memories I can remember more happy ones too. And I let myself enjoy them. And you're right laughter is great medicine!

Greetings from windmill country