Ryan, thank you for your thoughtful advice. I think I must have repressed anger, mainly because the guilt I feel logically is not my fault. I mean, I'm not responsible for every little thing that happens to everyone, and I certainly wasn't when I was 7 and 13! I'm concerned that if I have rage and I can't "get at it" and feel it, it will make it harder to heal completely - or maybe just knowing the guilt represents a level of anger is enough? Hmmm. On the healing side I think I'm already doing great. I am just over three weeks into the SEP and my pain is moving around a lot. I almost ended up in the ER last night for chest pains. We set out at the onset of pain so we could be at the ER if it turned for the worse. By the time I got there I had remembered that I have been to the doctor / ER at around this time of the year for four consecutive years. Now, I don't advocate not going to the ER for chest pains but four years in a row at the same time of year for pains that have never shown to be caused by anything seems a bit much. I've had tests and my heart always looks great. So we sat there in the car park for about half an hour and I started to feel better. I got thinking about the chest pains and why I get them at this time of the year every year. I couldn't think of anything from four years ago but 9 years ago I married my husband AND (and I can't remember if this was the same year of the following year but it was also around November) my estranged dad died. I hadn't seen him in approx 17 years (since I was 13) and I'd already worked through a lot of emotions surrounding our relationship previously in my life. Anyway, I'm unsure what he died of but I believe it was either an asthma attack or a heart attack (I'm estranged from the entire side of the family and so it's hard to find out any real information). Anyway, I'm thinking that is at least partially to do with the chest pains I'm having. I journaled for a while but found only pity for my father (which is strange given the awful relationship we had - he was physically and emotionally abusive, and as a child, about age 7 I saw him beat my mother on many occasions (that's where some of the misplaced guilt comes in) but I truly believe I worked through my feelings regarding this previously in my life). Still, the chest pains have subsided for the time being.
Anyway, so long as the pain is jumping around I feel that I'm doing well (I also had back pain for three days last week then face/jaw/dental pain for a couple nights this week too). My head pain (initial major TMS symptom) went away during a massage two weeks ago. Massage always temporarily eliminates my head pain but this time it didn't do such an instant job and so I journaled about some stress I had at the time my pain started (buying a new house) and the residual pain that was remaining post massage went away. The pain always comes back after a week and a half and I always have massages every two weeks. However, I no longer have access to my massage therapist having just moved to a new state. So, after a week and a half the pain started to come back - mostly the throbbing pain that is impossible to ignore - and I said to my hubby "how is it possible that it always comes back after a week and a half - I get that massage helps with blood flow but it's not like a massage can produce exactly 1.5 weeks of excellent blood flow to the muscles each time. Only my brain knows the day". That really seemed to help. There was no throbbing the next day - well, I mean I get a bit here or there but it's easy to ignore it and I generally pay it no mind at all. Or tell it to bigger off because I'm on to it!!! Of course, it's only been two weeks and I've had breaks like this before between pain so it's hard not to fear that this is only a temporary break, but I'm just tryin to get on with my life and act as a person without pain.
If anyone read all this, thank you. I am so glad to have this board right now. And my husband who is being so wonderfully supportive.
