Stella
Well known member
I started the TMSwiki program November 1. I continue to learn so much about myself even 8 months later. Journaling has really helped me uncover various emotions I never knew existed.
Several days ago I was feeling the "dark heavy cloud" move into my head and some physical symptoms of foot pain and a wobbly knee. I said "OK, what happened today that has caused me to feel depressed?" I could not come up with anything so started examining every step of my day.
I had a conversation with my Mother because her eye appointments for macular degeneration was taking up to 5 hours. I was trying to make sure the activities I enjoy are still scheduled (take care of me) and make sure the activities my Mother enjoys are scheduled (take care of my Mother too!!!). The only day that would work would be a Monday requiring her to miss church once every 2 months. She also goes to church on Sundays. She is not a particularly religious person but she enjoys the Monday group.
Her comment to me was "well, I suppose I can do that." (she was not happy). As I journaled about this I had absolutely no awareness of being angry; none at all. It reminds me of what Dr. David Clarke says "Children learn how to control their feelings, sometimes so effectively they feel almost nothing. These buried emotions can be so strong that the mind must express them through the body if there is no other outlet.”
This is me. I feel nothing. It moved from my mind into heaviness in my head and into physical pain in a nanosecond. I was really angry at my Mother for not realizing all the work I had done (numerous phone calls) trying to "fix" coordinate everything. Of course, she was unhappy with me (yikes) and I felt guilty for trying to also take care of myself. After becoming aware of this anger, journaling about it, I could feel the depression lift.
It reminds me of the very old adage of "Anger turned inward is depression." Now everyday the first question I ask myself when starting to journal particularly if I feel depressed is "what are you angry about today?" Even reflecting back on this conversation a few days later... I start to feel depressed. Even after the awareness of burying the anger inside my head and body.
Still learning....
Several days ago I was feeling the "dark heavy cloud" move into my head and some physical symptoms of foot pain and a wobbly knee. I said "OK, what happened today that has caused me to feel depressed?" I could not come up with anything so started examining every step of my day.
I had a conversation with my Mother because her eye appointments for macular degeneration was taking up to 5 hours. I was trying to make sure the activities I enjoy are still scheduled (take care of me) and make sure the activities my Mother enjoys are scheduled (take care of my Mother too!!!). The only day that would work would be a Monday requiring her to miss church once every 2 months. She also goes to church on Sundays. She is not a particularly religious person but she enjoys the Monday group.
Her comment to me was "well, I suppose I can do that." (she was not happy). As I journaled about this I had absolutely no awareness of being angry; none at all. It reminds me of what Dr. David Clarke says "Children learn how to control their feelings, sometimes so effectively they feel almost nothing. These buried emotions can be so strong that the mind must express them through the body if there is no other outlet.”
This is me. I feel nothing. It moved from my mind into heaviness in my head and into physical pain in a nanosecond. I was really angry at my Mother for not realizing all the work I had done (numerous phone calls) trying to "fix" coordinate everything. Of course, she was unhappy with me (yikes) and I felt guilty for trying to also take care of myself. After becoming aware of this anger, journaling about it, I could feel the depression lift.
It reminds me of the very old adage of "Anger turned inward is depression." Now everyday the first question I ask myself when starting to journal particularly if I feel depressed is "what are you angry about today?" Even reflecting back on this conversation a few days later... I start to feel depressed. Even after the awareness of burying the anger inside my head and body.
Still learning....
