Anger about sons drug use

I have a son who has been using marijuana since middle school. My husband and I battled with him all through high school. We had two rules -no driving while using or using in our house. Our son is smart, athlete, handsome, has many people who love him, yet he uses everyday. He would smoke in the house and car anyway. He’s been in the hospital mental health unit junior year and senior year due to anger and suicidal threats (he assaulted us when we found opioids in his room and tried to speak w him) He went on probation cause he was only 17 and had to be drug free, participate in an activity (he chose track and went to state) and follow the rules of the house and be respectful to us. He did brilliantly and he was a different person while sober. He got into a big 10 university and pledged a fraternity with high academic rules. We were hopeful he’d succeed. Well he partied and failed out his first semester and did not get initiated in the fraternity. Now he’s at home….,,we told him the rules once again. He’s following the rules but is clearly high everyday again. He’s not working and has time too. It makes me so angry. Waiting for this kid to mature is literally going to make me crazy. I’ve had so much pain since he moved home. In our state 19 is adult age not 18. He’ll be 19 in July. He’s in college and his grades are better, we don’t think he’s using in our house but his car yes. We are tired of the battles and know we cannot make him stop using the weed…..We’ve spent 3 years arguing w him so when I see him higher than a kite, I get angry and can’t do anything about it……My husband is able to let it go and continues to hope….I’m not as successful. It’s so so hard watching a capable competent kid do nothing with his life…….I know many of you will say kick him out but he’s not 19 yet and he’s following the rules. I can’t do anything about him walking in the house high……

 

Why can’t he be treated with the unconditional love that I suspect you feel for him? You want to provide him shelter, but you’re going to get upset with him if he doesn’t live his life how you want? He’s an adult, which is probably hard to recognize. You seem to be holding onto a controlling nature in yourself as if you get to shape his life. He’s the one living it, and he makes ALL of the decisions in it. Why can’t you Just be the compassionate supporter? That doesn’t mean you don’t tell him when he makes mistakes(big picture). You just don’t judge him for it. You offer emotional support and you detach. No more anger. Accept that the course of his life is unknown. If he could just experientially get that unconditional love and support from his parents he’s more likely to treat himself the same and make better decisions.

You’ve made an assumption that “success” is going to be there for him if he just gets good grades, says no to drugs, and finishes college. I’d argue success is him finding a way to function and be happy/content. Money isn’t the factor most believe it is.

 

We do love him unconditionally. It’s unfortunate you cannot have compassion for me. At some point it gets really really old. That is a fact.

 

I’m really sorry you took it this way. I wish you and your family the best.