And another round - leukocytes and stress?

I feel embarrassed and angry. I checked my urine today and found the leukocyte level raised. I had again bladder pain, on and off. Nothing that really bothered me. But this evening I thought I could use the new stick I bought. And was sure to get a negative result. And now this. I repeated the test an hour later, now almost no leukocytes. I will repeat tomorrow morning.
The background: my bladder pain is TMS. My doctor says so. I had been tested and all other possible diseases had been ruled out. I have this condition for more than 2o years, I should know how to handle this. My doctor tells me that the leukocytes in urine are a stress reaction. This is not main stream urology. Though also other urologists told me that if they can’t find any bacteria they cannot do anything about it. Then it is not a significant finding. I know all that. But the test this evening made me to almost freak out. I checked the internet if I could find something on leukocytes in urine because of stress. Not really.
I have stress. I need to make some life decisions. Things change for me, I see them in a different light. It dawns to me that if i continue this way I spent my life working my ass of but not feeling satisfied or having a good life at all. And I postponed decisions as if life has no end. My birthday is coming, 57, my god, it sounds totally unreal to me. Well, you get the picture.
What I will do? Write an email to my urologist. If there are still leukocytes tomorrow I will get the urine cultured.
Do you believe that one can have many (significantly) leukocytes in urine from stress? Is this possible?

 

Ok, this morning no leukocytes - also this afternoon. Now I stop checking. I TMSing - very active doing it. So, I have to go back to my big question: what to do with my life? Thanks that this place exists, just to write it down and someone else reads it, helps a bit!

 

Hi time2be,

Sorry you are stressing about your bladder. I can understand that the whole testing urine thing can become a obession. Nothing new there for you i bet from reading your post. And so like the whole tms experience i have too abd other here. You know it all, but go over and over it again and again like a mouse in a tredmill just keeping the worrie and stress going , sadly
Ofcourse there are 2 other remarks your make :
57 and a bit scared ot that number and aging and wondering what to do with ‘the rest of your life ‘ and what it is you want.
These midlife questions (i am turning 52) can become heavy. There is so much pressure to ‘use time Well ‘ i guess , that this is also the thing
that brings on the stress.
But its worth it to explore and think about it i guess.
What do i value, what to leave in and what to leave out ?
And these cramp up way of being (Speaking for myself) is not much fun.
So trying to focus more on relexation
breathing, exersize etc. Hoping that in a more relaxed state making future choices can also become more natural and relaxed. What do you think about that ?

 

Thanks so much Karinabrown! Yes, you get it quite right: sometimes I feel like a mouse in threadmill -only that it is myself who is keeping this threadmill spinning. But the other remark you made really nailed it: I need to make decisions about my life and it scares me and I get angry about myself. I regret some former decisions I made and then I see that I tend to make the same mistakes again. And now, for the first time, I see an open future in a positive way. Funny that this happens turning 57. So, you are 52, yes, it is a strange age. Not old, but also not young any more. I see you understand the ‘mood’.
So, yes, I try to relax. Something I am not good at. I was so astonished to read in Steve O.s book that this is typicall for the TMS character. I thought that is was just me, because my other friends are quite good at relaxing, watching movies, playing cards etc. I always had difficultes doing just that. I started knitting because I cannot just watch a movie.
Anyway, I need to stop analyzing myself, beating myself up for wrong decisions and the like. Today I decided to work on letting go.

 

Hi,

Yes i can relate to the ‘not being able to relax ‘ part
But also realize its totally nuts
Like i don’t deserve it ?
Like being so tense is a better way to be ?: getting tired of that too
I think its a trap to start thinking that being bussy, productive etc is the way i can allow myself to deserve relax time too. And now i do not feel productive i also do not allow myself to relax
I’ve been there before and its not helpfull at all.
Wanting to be in the ‘doing ‘ mode always sadly :
i started to explore the possibilty of learning to relax. I know its not a doing ‘thing but i am exploring things to
figure out what works for me.
So now being bussy to learning to relax
Hows that for contradiction
? It is but its maybe also good to learn
some strategies to use when life gets
messy and also because its finally time to appriciate myself enough to allow that. Figure if i am so good at worrie and stressing (and i am ) i should try at least to learn how to be better at having some fun and relax my mind and body.
That is the plan.

 

Thanks Karinabrown! I am trying to do all that. But what's really going on in my mind is the idea that maybe I have ureaplasma again. It is a bacterium that is common though is not always causing harm. I had it before (2013), I had antibiotics for 20 days and then it was gone. After the antibiotics I was not doing much better bladderwise, I have to admit. But now I have bladder/urethra pain and I thought of this bacterium. I wrote to my urologist and she disappointed me somehow. She said that she tested me the first time I came to her office. I can see from the bill that this isn't true. And I also know that you need a urethra probe and not just urine. I cannot recall that she did a probe the first time I saw her.It is a difficult bacterium and not easy to culture. Therefore they detect its DNA rather to culture it in the ordinary way.
To make a long story short: I lost a bit of trust in her. She is right about TMS of course, but she shouldn't shrug me off with this kind of lies. I think I ask my GP here to do the test. By the way: she even insinuated that the first positive test might in reality be a false positive test,. I doubt this very much. Here they send it to the state institute and the possibility that they get it wrong is very low. I had three tests: the first in 2011 was negative, the test in summer 2013 positiv, then I had antibiotics and the control test in autumn was negative.
So, I think I simply get tested. And of course, think about why I still have pain .. despite all the insights it sucks a bit ...
I am angry, about myself (being again, again in this situation), about the urologist .. and I thank god that I can tell this here ...

 

Hi time2be,

They way you explain this : i would do the same. Get the proper test and then
decide to Medicate it or not.
The issue you mention : not trusting a doctor is also my problem.
This comes from experience (dissapointments)and also my own ever doubting fear.
In fact this is what keeping me now from getting my pain ‘ckecked out’ again.
This is a problematic thing for me with the whole tms experience ‘: the advise
‘To make sure its not a medical thing ‘
because this is a faque statement
When i started with the foot problems i got so many explenations : none of the doctors i saw could agree on anything
So when mri was fine : decided the let it go and leave them be
Now i have other pain and once again
i am wondering if i really want to go
back on the whole medical search thing
I fear that almost more than not doing it !
I Remember the stress, the waiting
the bad explenations, and mostly my fear and frustration about not knowing who or what to believe. And worst : not getting improvement.
So this is hard. And so many tms things are also ‘common ‘ and real medical issues in the regular medical world.
Must trust on my own judgement more and i am doing that for now. And my past tms experiences that did proof that stress was the problem

I understand you are angry and i feel that somewhat too. Hoped i was done with this ..
Just hoping it only means : i still need to work on this. Maybe learned enough to get rid of this symtom imperative

 

A bit in the same boat, KarinaBrown! I fully understand, I hate the diagnostic procedures. In my case most doctors simply told me that they don’t know what is wrong with me. Therefore I am so angry about my urologist. I trusted her judgment. Now I start to doubt. But maybe is this a good thing, making yourself independent from authority. I’ll try to have the test. But I am not sure if my GP will think it is necessary.
It depends very much what kind of pain you have whether you should see a doctor or not. Usually back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain and the like just stops again. One can take it easy and wait some time. Infections are another thing as are heart problems. And of course blood on stool etc. So, usually I wait. Only this damn bladder thing drives me crazy. I think to deal in good way with the symptom imperative involves a more rational and calm reaction to pain. Especially the type of pain that simply is part of the body.