Hello to all of you, At the moment that I write this, I am already finished with my story. I wanted to say that I intended to keep it short, but I did not succeed in this. I would like to apologize for this, but also like to say: please read it. From my own experience I know that reading stories from others will help you and give you more strength during your own recovery. Also my English isn't the best so i hope you understand all the things I'm saying. My story: I'm 23 years old and live in the Netherlands. As far is I can remember my childhood was amazing, my parents always say that I was a very cheerful and happy child. I had many friends, because I got along well with every "type" of child and played a lot with these friends, outside and inside. Also I was very sportive by playing soccer three times a week and many other sports. I also was a child that enjoyed playing by himself, for instance by playing hour after hour on my Gameboy or just watch cartoons on TV. The only things I can remember that I experienced as less fun was that I was a bit chubby. Whenever kids tried to make fun of that, I ignored them, and as far as I can remember this wasn't a daily thing. More like once in a while. The other thing that might have been a painful experience for me is that my mother had a cerebral infarction at a very young age, making her lose almost 50% of het field of view. This happened when I was 6-7 years old. I can't remember much of that time and I think it hasn't been a big influence in my life, because as a child I did not really see the impact it might had on a human life. What I want to make clear is that although I remember my childhood as very happy, I still remember that I have always been insecure about my weight. When someone started talking about my weight, I always refuted it as if it did not matter to me. Because of this, everyone has always believed I was a very confident person. Even my parents were shocked when I told them that I've always been insecure about this, a couple of weeks ago. Apparently I always managed to keep this well-hidden. In my childhood I haven't experienced much physical pains, the only thing I know of is that I sometimes had sore feet, therefore I got orthopedic soles. In my adolescence years, the happy child slowly changed into an unhappy, some may say somewhat grumpy, adult. During my puberty I felt very insecure. I think a part of this insecurity was the standard insecurity every adolescent will experience, that is the result of the pressures these ages bring with them. During high school I began getting heavier, which made even more unsecure. Besides that, my lack of luck to get in an relationship really began to bother me, because it seemed literally everyone else (even all the other a bit weird cases, as I saw myself) were lucky enough to find a suitable partner at the time. Of course when someone asked me if this bothered me I refuted this, so it would seem I was happy and confident. From the ages of 12 to 15 I slowly began to experience physical pains, for example during dodgeball in school my shoulders hurt a little bit. From the age of 16 my shins began to hurt during soccer practice, I went to a physical therapist and she said to take some rest and do certain exercises. The pain decreased, but however never fully went away. Because of this I went to the hospital were they said I had Shin Splints and that it only would cure if I took enough rest. At the time I thought I was ready to play soccer again, I got into a fairly heavy car accident while driving my mopet. The car hit me directly on my side, I flew over the car a few meters into the air and landed on the back of my head, luckily I wore a helmet. I tried to stand up immediately in spite of the pain, so that the driver of the car saw that I, in a sense, was unharmed. Miraculously I only suffered from multiple bruises and severe stiffness in my legs. I still remember some kids, who saw all of this happen, saying: Did you just saw that fat kid fly. At the time this also hurt me, but now I can see the fun of it . But, to get on my story, because of the accident I had to postpone my comeback in soccer. Over a short period, the bruises and stiffness disappeared. I began to play soccer again, but I always experienced some kind of pain. While I'm writing this I now realize that during the period my numbers were very bad and I might have been sent out of school because of this. I just made it to the following year. In the next two years in school I was always on edge of failure. I think that in this period the real trouble started. I kept getting heavier until to point that the weight of everyone at school had to measured. I was shocked when I found out that I, as i short person of 175 cm (5 ft 8) weighted 99.8 kg (220 lbs.), but of course acted like I thought it was funny. But luckily I finally admitted I wanted to lose some weight and got to a dietitian. Although the weight losing went well, I wasn't getting any happier because simultaneously I began losing hair. I think at this moment the unconscious monster in my mind, that as I see it looks i bit like this :vamp:, began to cast his endless horrors of magic. Not only was I losing my hair, it was also starting to hurt when i toughed it. Also my pain in my shins kept going on and was slightly getting worse. I went to my general practitioner a couple times for this head pain and because of my nagging about it he sent me to an dermatologist at the hospital. As you may expect, they said, just like my GP, that nothing was wrong with me. They didn’t knew the cause of the pain but if I wanted to, they could subscribe antidepressant drugs for me to ease the pain. I declined this, so the pain went on. After high school, I didn't knew what to with my life so I took a year of to search for which direction I wanted to take and I also decided I was going to fix all my physical pains in that year. In this year, I kept heaving both hair and shin pains. The shin pain was now not only there while running but also while cycling. Also I occasionally had trouble swallowing food, after I while this symptom went away. Eventually after much pressure of deciding what to do with life I choose an education to follow and went back to school. At this moment I was 19 years old. I decided to go live on my own because my brother also moved out and it would help me to become more self-sufficient. I got a nice apartment but never really enjoyed living there. Although I became self-sufficient, my insecurities about my weight and finding a partner were still there. They were now even extended by the hair loss and the fair of my pains getting worse. Now, the unconscious monster :vamp: had new sources to agonize me. New pains across my shoulders end neck developed. Because I didn't trusted my GP and other doctors anymore, I went to the realm of alternative medicine, it helped me to loose pain around my neck and shoulders, but also laid down living rules on me, I had to get as less as possible interaction with electrical devices. These rules paved the way for the unconscious monster :vamp: to cast te spell of OCD on me. Also because I couldn't play my beloved computer games any longer, I got bored very fast which resulted in more stress. I Also quit the diet and was becoming heavier again. As the year went on, tension levels rose and the pains went on. Again I was on the edge of having to leave school because of some test I had to pass. Now, tension headache was a new pain that was born. I couldn't focus on school. Because of the headache it took me hours to read one or two pages. It now also was becoming real stressful that everyone around me didn't understood and weren't interested in what I was going through. I had the feeling even my very own friends didn't took my pains seriously. I was never diagnosed with it, but I think in this point of life I had a form of a depression. I just couldn't handle it anymore. My food appetite disappeared, I was now eating only two or three sandwiches a day. My pain worsened badly and I now could only walk ten minutes before the pain in my shin began to get very worse. Also any other form of physical exercise would hurt me. The unconscious monster :vamp: in me began to impose OCD rules about when the pain would appear. I knew the only way out was to look for help. I went to psychologist at school, she helped me to take some self-imposed pressures away and also advised me to see my GP again and tell him all of my troubles. Now, I got all possible examines to look at my pains. after A half year of back and foreword to the hospital, the doctors came again with the conclusion nothing was wrong with me. But because they also saw the need of help, to send me to a rehabilitation program. Here they intend to learn you how to cope with pain. Although they acknowledged the pain wasn't due physical reasons, they said I had to deal with the fact it would never go away. I wasn't a big supporter of this way of thinking, but I have to admit a physiotherapist from the program helped me with doing physical exercises and lengthen the time I could walk to 1,5 hour without any severe pain. Until now I realize that during the period my walking went better, the unconscious monster :vamp: replaced part of my shin pain to RSI. My hands, wrists and arms were getting hurt while using the computer. I tried several ergonomic solutions, but none of them helped. The OCD in me continued reducing the possibilities for living pain free. As for now. Last week, I had a really bad week. All my pain symptoms that seemed to get better got extremely worse over the week. Luckily I discovered about TMS. I bought the Mindbody Priscription and am now at Chapter II. All the things I've read until now are very familiar to me. I'm almost 100% sure that TMS is my problem and that I can win of it -->:vamp:. Having said that, I realize that most of my problems probably started because I can't express my emotional feelings that well. For instance, I can't cry. Not even through the time of my depression. Something inside me -->:vamp: blocks my emotional expressions. I hope due reading the book( and many other books about TMS), my pain will go away and learn how to express myself. Knowing there is a solution already helps a lot. I probably forgot a couple of pains and institutions i visited, but that doesn't matter, I think my story is clear. For everyone who made it this far reading, I sincerely thank you for your effort and want to wish you the best! I will try to update the progress I make during my journey to victory. If you have any question, please don't hesitate to ask!