An evaluation of my condition

Hi everyone,
I would like to take stock of this last period.
A few weeks ago the psychological approach really worked, I was free of significant pain for about four weeks. In the last episode, in particular, I managed to convince myself, relaxing, that until I could not have faith in the TMS approach I would never have defeated all this pain. so I sat in the chair, I put some classical music and I was in pain, I mean together with the pain and nothing else. I imagined that it was time to face my tension without worrying about what would happen next, without worrying about the thousand things I would have to do with pain. it was a moment and when I got up from that chair, the pain had gone from 8 to 4. and I felt happy, I felt powerful and able to change the perspective in seeing the immediate future.

I understood that the tension is due to the thousands of family responsibilities (I have two children, we have no relatives and taking care of children is the hardest thing that ever happened to me), which always turned my attention to what I should do afterwards, projecting me from one fatigue to another without leaving space to myself.
From that moment on I found a strength that I thought had disappeared forever, with enthusiasm I dived into family life and things that I thought were too heavy for my poor back. believe me, I did not have a pain, and even when it appeared I managed to convince myself that it was only momentary and, above all, was only the result of negative thoughts.

A few days ago, however, I feel tired, a little bored and impatient than my family (one of the children is sick and the other started this year the school and is very afraid of the teachers). Yesterday was a very tiring day and while I was preparing my sons to go to sleep, I kept thinking about the moment when I could relax in solitude. I was intractable, I was angry with them and at the same time I regretted having done it.

The result?
In the middle of the night, turning around in my bed, I had a severe pain in my neck. and today I struggle to raise an arm and keep my head straight to look at the PC screen. All the progress made in these days seems far away and the fear of having to face the pain again depresses me and discourages me. Sorry for the outburst, but I needed to communicate how I feel and I did not want to bring the subject home.

Greetings to all, a hug and a good weekend

 

Pietro,

When we are overwhelmed emotionally our brain freaks out. This is when you can again relax into it like you did in the chair listening to classical music. You can remind your brain you are safe, this difficult time will pass. I am a childcare provider and the older boy I care for also started school this year. Its caused some sleeping and behavior problems. It takes awhile for some kids to feel safe. Remind him he is safe and that will help prevent TMS for him. And maybe you're subconscious is a little worried about him starting school, so then reassure yourself too. And accept that you feel angry at the disruption, its normal! Someone wrote that TMS comes from a cold civil war within ourselves, I think that is a good description. Keep up the good good work you are doing, you are progressing well.
Lizzy

 

I know how it feels, Pietro. However, try to look at the positive. This neck stuff will also pass. Don’t let it come between you and a nice weekend. I understand now better where your stress comes from. You know, the psychologist Winnicott said that a mum has to be ‘good enough’ - not perfect or really bad, just good enough. I hope you can find some comfort in that ....
a nice weekend to you too!

 

Dear everyone,
I would like to thank both of them for listening to my voice in these delicate moments.
The image of the civil war with myself is very fitting for my emotional state during this period.
In fact it was a devastating weekend, in addition to the pain in the neck appeared myriad of symptoms, starting with headache and gastritis (I had stopped taking omoprazole on the wave of enthusiasm).

And here I am today, aware that my body is suggesting to me that something is wrong, anxious and impatient. The perception is that he is losing me among the thousand worries and that he has momentarily lost sight of the beautiful things of life. what comforts me and comforts me, however, is that I know it's just a period, because from experience, now, I know it has a beginning and an end, and then all that remains is to work on myself to the best of possibilities and wait.
But I would like some advice on how to develop acceptance with respect to my state, compared to the new symptoms that continue to appear. and as for panic attacks, I have learned that through the acceptance of one's state we can reduce the intensity of any symptom present.
Have you accepted your pain?
How did you do it if you did it?
How is it possible to feel bad and not constantly try to stop what we believe is the cause of all this pain?

A heartfelt thanks to you who have spent some time listening to me, you can not imagine how grateful I am.

Hugs
Pietro

 

As I read your first post and the loving replies that followed, the cold hand that was gripping my gut began to release. The phrase civil war with ourselves is so accurate.
I would never speak to anyone the way I speak to myself.
Just visiting our forums is so soothing. You see, the ego denies and forgets and the symptoms flare up! Her, the ego surrenders to the care of this healing process! I am forever grateful.

 

Dear all,

I don't know if this is the best thread to post this, but I'm not sure where would be better.

The five year old I care for was behaving badly and it was making his mom worried and crazy, lol. He started full day kindergarten this year. Her friend suggested maybe he needed a day of spoiling, school etc being so stressful for him. I should say he was behaving perfectly in school. So after school she picked him up with a favorite snack, told him they were going to decorate sugar cookies etc. While decorating she told him how proud she was of him and that he was doing great in school. He burst into tears, said thank you for saying that, I'm trying so hard because you're such a good mommy and do so many nice things. That's been over a week ago and he's back to his sunny self.

So, I guess I'm looking at how this little guy has parents who really love him and want to be good parents. But if she hadn't stumbled on something that let his emotional pain out he would be storing it and presumably repressing. This must happen to kids all the time, parents can't read their minds and they often can't articulate what is wrong.

So, I think we can only try to re-parent ourselves. Bodhigirl's ego or inner child, and ours, needs told we are proud! Whatever is going on in our lives is like school to a five year old. We go out and behave perfectly because we believe we should and yet we bring up any little thing that wasn't perfect and give ourselves emotional time out. We shun ourselves. Or we lecture ourselves with words we wouldn't speak to others.

Lol, this post felt like a rant, but it was supposed to encourage us to be kind to ourselves. Even when I'm trying to be kind to my inner child I'm pressuring her. However, I didn't even used to try.

I'm also grateful,
Lizzy

 

Hear, hear!

I remember when I was a kid I overheard a neighbour say to my mother, "you must be really proud of 'BoodMoon', what with her doing so well at school" to which my mother replied, "well, I suppose so - but we never praise her - we don't want her to become a big-head"...And it was like that for all of my formative years, with my parents expecting me to always do well at school (as if it didn't involve any struggle or effort on part) and requiring me to behave 'sensibly' all of the time, like a mini adult (so as not to be a nuisance or trouble to them). Looking back, I can see there was no fun in my life and it was a great strain to live to the standards set for me by my parents...It was the reason I became a 'comfort' eater from about the age of 6 or 7, which led on to my binge eating in my teenage years and beyond, as a way of coping with life. Typing about this has just brought some tears to my eyes, followed closely by a twinge of guilt because I know that a lot of people had much more difficult childhoods than mine was...

But, as you say, @Lizzy, all of us on this forum need to be kind to ourselves. Our inner child is crying out for praise, love and tenderness - and to have some fun!

 

Pietro,

I can not remember if you have read or listened to Claire Weekes. She writes about facing, floating, accepting and letting time pass. She writes specifically about panic, but I think it worth your while for pain also. It seems like you are in the letting time pass phase. She says that this is a time to practice what you've learned and not a time to test yourself. Her books have been invaluable to me for pain and anxiety.
All the best,
Lizzy

 

Of course TMS is the consequence of a war inside us, cold war..... BUT awful civil war. Me against me ! The child that we were years ago, was not replaced by the adult we are right now. The role of the education is just to repress the primitive/wild behavior of the child in order to live in society as adults. A residual child (quoting Sarno) remains inside us and he has VERY different interests (often completely opposed) that have the idealizated adult (responsible, kind, good person, committed,...) that we are, or are triying to be, and try to "sell" to the society.
If the "psychological distance" between our "inner child" and we as "civilizated adult" is tremendous .... pain (and/or related TMS conditions) appears: our brain is trying to protect us with a sophisticated strategy of distraction... and we all are prone to fall in the trap !

 

Bloodmoon,
Aww, hug your little girl from me! I wonder how much a parent's sense of responsibility can overwhelm them to the point of being so serious and no fun. My Grandma was born in 1923 and I know that was how she believed you should train children, right down to saying they would get a big head! Maybe they read the same book.

Hugs, Lizzy

 

You've hit the nail on the head on all counts @Lizzy. My dad was born in 1926 and my mum in 1930, both products of a strict (and poor) Victorian upbringing. (Any praise would 'spoil' me and I guess to them - as I didn't have to go bare-foot to school and I was well fed - my life was one of comparative luxury.)

I do believe the weight of responsibility of having a child (I'm an 'only child' through choice) weighed upon them heavily, particularly on my mother. I also believe she really only had me because she wanted to experience what it was like to be pregnant and to be a mum - and, sadly, she found out that she didn't like either of those things. And, as for my dad, he was very jealous of the amount of time and attention my mother gave me - 'clinical' attention, e.g. scrupulous cleanliness etc...everything had to be just so. My dad's also really mean with money, which one could say is because of his poverty-stricken background, but I knew others of his age from similar backgrounds who were far more generous despite being on meagre incomes...I believe my dad begrudged having to pay for my up keep and basically considered me to be an all round nuisance - no matter how well behaved I was; it took me a long time to realise that I could never have won his love with good behaviour.

The poem by Philip Larkin called 'This Be The Verse' (warning: it contains some swear words) https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse (This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin) says it all in relation to my childhood; I didn't consciously decide not to have children, but it somehow never happened and tbh I never felt broody...I did though used to enjoy seeing my friends' children, babysitting etc.

Going back to the subject of 'guilt' - I just finished the above and then I immediately felt guilty about coming on to this thread with my minor 'get your violins out' story...but then I remembered that that's what other forum members do and this is exactly the place to talk of our experiences - good or bad or somewhere in between. I've journaled about my childhood before, but somehow it feels more cathartic to splurge it out on here...maybe it's just there's a basic need in us to just tell somebody.

Thank you so much for the hugs, @Lizzy. I give you a great big hug right back

 

This is one of the most profound postings I have ever read.
I was reading some research the other day that 'home schooled' children tend to fare better as adults with regard to happiness and coping in life etc., than those who go to school, i.e. if they're home schooled in a 'free form' kind of way and are not being 'pressure cooker-ed' into over-achieving to go to university at the age of 11 or something.
I guess what we need to do is narrow the gap of the '"psychological distance" between our "inner child" and we as "civilizated adult"'. Thinking about this has just made me realise that I am actually quite terrified of what my inner child might do if I let her loose too much. I think you've helped me realise my rage, whereas I'd been looking for it before, but not finding where it was. Thank you!

 

First to Pietro@, it is not always easy. Pain starts from minor triggers, especially if you are in a phase that stresses you in general. That’s at least my experience. Today I woke up with bladder pain (I had pain the last weeks but not bad). I was on a weekendtrip with a friend and yesterday was a nice day. So, I don’t know why I had bladder pain this morning. I felt panic coming up and needed to ca”m me down the whole morning. I managed somehow, drove home and had a nice trip, pain level dropped from 6 to 3. And I also felt very frustrated about this. I try to find out why, but the harder I try the more I feel stressed. So, as you say, just be in the pain, feel it and except it, that is the right way. And not to avoid things you want to do!
To Lizzy@ and BloodMoon! I sympathize so much with what you say! My parents also needed a little adult as a child. I acted as an adult, sensible and rational. My life was so much better compared to the hard life my parents had. And I was not praised, my achievements meant almost nothing. It is so hard for me today, to have this positive relationship with myself. It is like what I not achieve counts double while what I achieve amounts to very little. I need to learn a new perspective towards myself, a process that seems to be endlessly....

 

About the inner child: usually it is not as bad as we think it is. It wants fun, attention, affection, what’s bad with that?

 

Of course! Often the «inner child» is not a «monster» but it is just lazy, egotistic, narcissistic,... and hates responsibilities, hard work, frustrations, troubles, failures, norms, limitations,.....
the real adult life !

 

....and, in my humble opinion, we should
1) acknowledge the existence of that «inner adversary»
2) got a «durable armistice» between the two halfs of our «divided mind» (quoting wise dr. Sarno)

 

How in practical terms do we/did you achieve 2)? (If I remember correctly I think I saw in one of your postings that you've cured your own TMS?)

 

Exactly, that’s the difficult part! How to do this? Any experience with books on this topic?
The durable armistice …what is this like? Where can I read about that? Or maybe miquelb3@ , you could explain a bit more (or tell us where you have explained that before)?

 

Really a post full of interesting ideas.
As far as I'm concerned, I can say that my childhood was quite quiet compared to adolescence. at the age of 17 my sister decided that it was time to have a child. of course it was a catastrophe. the marriage with my brother-in-law lasted less than six months. He was an alcoholic and a violent (just while pregnant) with the result that my nephew grew up without a father (who died of liver cirrhosis a few years later) and that my parents were also my nephew's parents.

I was sixteen and from that moment began to tell me that I was great and that I should not have given problems because of the delicate situation that had been created at home. It was a real hell, so much so that after two years I decided to go and study outside to cut out my life outside the home. it was 1997, the year of the first panic attack. only now I realize how much help I wanted to ask, but I did not dare to ask for the difficult family situation.

Only now I realize that all the conflicts with my children are born from that refusal to accept the arrival of my nephew as a joy rather than a problem. So now I find myself in eternal conflict between the good that I want my children and this rejection rooted in the deepest part of my soul. and it is useless to tell you that the first important symptoms of the syndrome began at the birth of the first daughter 5 years ago. Symptoms that exploded at the news that my wife was pregnant with our second child again.

Today, thanks to you, I am looking for a truce with myself, I want to love my children as they deserve, but a shadow hides in my soul and tries to convince me every day that I am a weak person, a slave to my fears.
It is sad, but I must confess that this war is repeated every morning and every day I have to find the strength to love, rather than let myself be carried away by anger and frustration.

 

hi BloodMoon,

Yes, I have cured my own TMS .... but before knowing the existence of dr. Sarno !
Mine was a weird curation: one night of awful "spiritual" pain. Something like a "dark night of the soul"! Next morning my leg pain had lessened and after some weeks the pain dissaperared... forever!!! ... in spite of my spine herniation I saw in the MRI.
Confused ans shocked by that experience I began to investigate... and found Dr. Sarno.

I am not an expert... but I presume that in order to get that "inner armistice" you should allow more room for your inner child needs. All methaphoric, of course.
That dumb, lazy, stupid, fearful, coward, primitive, irrational half of our mind should be a little less repressed, just a little bit.
We think our granitic, monolithic, idealistic, "perfect" adult self-image will be eroded with that "peace treaty" and we will prefer an absolute defeat of our "dark side" (our shadow) but that supposed "absolute victory", by means of unconscious repression, leads to TMS pain. And after all... who matters if we are a little less perfect, a little less judgemental, a little less arrogant, a little less responsible,.... but a little more "human", authentic, weak, vulnerable..... and tolerant with our capricious and irritable inner child?

Hope that helps !