An "a-ha" moment implosion

So, I've had doubts. I've drifted into physical thinking, consulted Dr. Google, told myself I was plenty self-aware and had journaled the crap out my issues. Laid it all on the table.
Then Friday, we filed for divorce. No big deal. Maybe a few butterflies and tummy rumbles, but I was ready. I felt great. It's just paperwork now. Went on and had a fun day.
Saturday morning, it was like I'd never started this healing journey at all. Everything hurt, every pain I've ever had my entire life was reignited. I leashed up my dog and we walked our route, trying to work it out. Instead, the pain spread. Now it's Sunday, and it's damn awful.
And then the light went on: it IS a big deal. A f-ing big deal. And I'm sad, and I'm scared, and I'm angry. There, I can say it - I'm ANGRY.
And somehow, that helps. But I kinda wish I hadn't given up beer (what was I thinking?)

 

Beautiful realization, just allowing what is... In this, compassion comes.

 

It is a big deal. So interesting how we talk ourselves out of the dignity of our true feelings.
I'm sorry you were in an unhappy relationship.
Give yourself space to realize that a dream was shattered. It is something.
Good for you for getting a divorce and saving yourself. Be happy for that.

 

Sweetheart, I love you and your gorgeous sense of humour. It is a big deal and a big insight. I've had a handful of these intense epiphanies during my TMS years and each time I'm emotionally floored by the power of them. They prove that our intellectual appreciation and our visceral experience of emotions are worlds apart and that repression is very, very real. I've come to respect this aspect of Sarno's theory despite my many doubts over time.

It's interesting too that you've been such a supportive and kind soul here on the forum yet you've been going through this the whole time. Remember we're here for you any time you need a shoulder or a rant. I hope that this morning finds you feeling better and your body/emotional self has assimilated the wisdom and made a healing turn.

Thank the gods you have a doggie. Dogs make the world a much better place.

Plum x

 

Marcia, I love this.
And it is so true.

 

Birder,

This is one of life's biggest deals. Many times I think we can say that, but to feel it is much harder. Wonderful.

I am blindsided every time these moments happen. We repress so well, that even after it has happened several times, I am still surprised. Admittedly, most moments are of way lesser stuff.

I'm glad your here.
Lizzy

 

They really, really do!

 

I realized yesterday I needed that shoulder. I've been working with a great TMS therapist, and it helps, but this is a really tough tough time. I can only remember a few times that were tougher, and they involved potential harm to my children. And without going into a lot of detail, those times led to this moment. I knew it on a visceral level all along, but did a first-class job of suppressing it - because that's what perfectionists do! And so, as Marcia said, a dream is shattered. And I'm trying to pick up the pieces. It ain't easy. I so appreciate all the warmth and support I find here. It really warms my heart.

 

Oh Birder, I can so relate. I’ve been on this TMS healing journey for years now. Yet when my STBX (soon to be ex) announced he wanted to split up, without warning, without discussion, I was straight back to the doctor with my usual back pain and sciatica plus a new symptom, a numb foot for added distraction.

I went through moments where I thought, this is a good thing. I had been sensing this needed to happen at some stage so I would embrace the experience and view it as a new beginning. In the next moment I wanted to die. Talk about inner conflict!

You take as long as you need to take to grieve, get angry, whatever. No one is timing you. We learn not to calendar watch our recovery from TMS. I’d say that’s true of divorce and any other major event the interrupts one’s homeostasis.

Take care of yourself.

 

Holy moly, yb44, this is EXACTLY what's going on!

 

Maybe because it's Monday, and that's often a long, difficult day, I feel compelled to spill a little more. Married 26 years. My STBX (great term) asked for the split. Divorce will be done in October. Between then and now, we have much relationship detritus to work out, and that jump-starts my anxiety. No lawyers, but mediators. First in my family and my family's family to divorce. Boys, a teen and a young adult, are taking it hard. I feel awful about that - I wanted above all else to provide my kids with a happy, secure home. STBX is living in a trailer 100 feet from the house, and wants to stay there after the divorce is final. No way. But another big stressor and point of contention. I know we're done, but the idea of him being with someone else is like a knife twist. Had TMS issues before, but was hit by a car last summer, which created many opportunities for my brain to distract me from all of the above. And I look to the future and wonder about everything: will my boys and I be okay, will I find happiness and fulfillment, will I heal inside and out and feel whole again. And wow, that's a lot of personal stuff.

 

Dear Birder,
I watched a video posted by a member last night--the one on vulerability--Brene' Browne - and although the whole thing was great--one thing comes to mind as I read your post today--she spoke about "connection" and how it is a characteristic that "whole hearted people" share. I have "connected" with so many "whole hearted people" on this sight--and may I just say--your willingness to share your vulnerability is exactly what allows connectedness. It is what makes being human amazing --it really is our purpose... As usual I have received a gift from your posts this last couple days--and from the voices of those who have responded to your post. I will be holding a vision of you and your boys--strong--happy--fulfilled--secure--living the life of the whole hearted person you are.
A big hug-
S

 

Wow. Thank you, iwire. My Monday just got a big boost (it really needed one!)

 

Oddly enough, I read Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, shortly after the break-up. I too reached out to this community last December and was rewarded with some wonderful, supportive responses. http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/calling-out-from-the-pit-of-despair.17516/ (Calling out from the pit of despair)

 

yb44, I'm pretty familiar with that pit. Your strength is an inspiration. Feel free to PM me (maybe we can diss our STBXs, lol)