Almost 100 pages into "Unlearn Your Pain," I'm seeking ... reassurance, I think?

[Skylark7]

"It is often ... difficult to imagine that our minds can cause (symptoms such as) burning, tingling, numbness, fatigue, anxiety, depression or insomnia." (pg 94)​

Surely many people DO find it difficult — particularly those not prone to introspection, and particularly when symptoms seem very physical (pain, burning, tingling, numbness).

But I don't need to be convinced that my fatigue, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and obsessive thought patterns are manifestations of my thoughts and emotions, conscious or unconscious. I know this all too well and have for many years. Nor does it come as a revealation that these conditions are linked to my life experiences and traumas, as I've been unpacking those for over four decades.

I know my brain is "sticky," that my fears present in somatic ways, and that my brain seeks to "protect" me from further trauma. I know that ALL sensations originate in the brain (which is true of everyone), and that MY brain is more talented than most when it comes to creating "physical" symptoms. Nausea, palpitations, headaches, you name it; it's been a frustration all my life. I felt betrayed by my own body when, about 10 years ago, a leg paralysis turned out to be "conversion disorder" — a condition I didn't even believe was real at the time. That was clearly the correct diagnosis, though, as the symptoms vanished the moment I learned they actually WERE "all in my head."

The symptom that distresses me now, though, is the worst I've ever had — by far the most disabling, and for the longest time. It's an "oral dysaesthesia," a weird, foreign feeling inside my mouth, diagnosed as Burning Mouth Syndrome (a neuropathic pain condition that might have been caused by reflux), and also self-diagnosed as a somatic hyperawareness.

The problem isn't that the pain is horrific — it's more of a numby-tingly oddness than it is a burning. The problem is that it's intrusive and constant, unchanging, visceral and "loud," there every waking moment for seven years now. I can't habituate to it. I can't ignore it. Nothing "distracts" me from it; I struggle to pay attention to ANYTHING else, including things I enjoy. And I've become unable to function.

It's not hypochondria; I'm not worried about cancer or a brain tumor. My worry is that I'll spend the rest of my life as I have for the last seven, with this sensation taking up 90% of my conscious awareness at any given moment. And that's the thought that gives me existential despair.

I've told every therapist, counselor, psychologist and doctor I've seen that it's NOT my goal to "get rid of" this symptom, but to teach my brain to simply disregard it. The end result would be the same. Trying to find help to "retrain my brain" is what led me to the topic of Pain Reprocessing Therapy, then to a local Integrative Health doctor, then to Dr Schubiner's book, then to this website. That doctor, along with every doctor and therapist I've had for decades (since long before THIS symptom), expressed hope and optimism for my healing — especially since I have lots of insight into my symptoms and my trauma and I'm willing to put in the work.

And I AM willing to put in the work. I've gone beyond rock-bottom and my life is at risk.

My problem is this: 94 pages in, I'm thinking, My God. None of this is new (so far), and I've gone much deeper in the past. I've BEEN journaling about my emotions and thoughts for 45+ years, since first diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD as a teen. I got a psych degree, I've used CBT and led CBT support groups; I've picked apart EVERY moment of my youth again and again; I've written articles and books about my family dynamics and C-PTSD. And I look at this book and think, "Is that all there is?"

PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I am NOT saying I know more than Dr Schubiner or that I'm "above" treatment. I'm saying that I already know/do the things he's talked about so far, over the course of years with no improvement (actually gotten worse), and I need to understand what will be new or different this time ... and how this doesn’t mean the end of the road for me.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

 

[JTinLA]

When I cured myself of Chronic Pain before (I'm back after 17 years)...I remember the "FINAL THOUGHT" to my TMS right before it left.

It was essentially "What if you live like this for the rest of your life?" It was the only question I hadn't asked, and the scariest question I had ever asked.

I faced myself with the choice. I basically told myself, I will go on no matter what. And I will do everything as if I don't have it. Every minute I would live as if TMS is coming along for the ride. No matter what.

It was basically "You're stuck with me, because I can't do this anymore"

This was after 2 months of Million dollar machines stretching my spine and daily massage therapy in a clinic, that I paid $15,000 for. Ending with both Doctors telling me there is nothing more they can do.

I walked out my front door that night and went jogging for the first time in 4 years. TMS fizzled out in about 2 months and it left for 17 years.

That worked for me. The finality of saying that I'm just gonna move on. And telling it, " I see you...I know what you are...but we're going to__________________so you can do what you want"

Now that I am back here....I'm thinking I need to relearn that mindset. Getting there is hard. We don't want to let go. The pain and the AWARENESS of it serves a purpose.

It's really up to each individual to find what the purpose is. And I think that can only be achieved with brutal honesty.

I know that this time, myself, I'm gonna have to get to the point of ultimate letting go, because that was the only thing that worked.

 

[TG957]

I am not an MD or psychologist, but I have been around this forum for 8 years, and have been symptoms-free for 6 years. Here are my 2 cents. From what I've observed, there are 3 routes out of chronic pain:
1. Classic Sarno, psychoanalysis.
2. Tough it out. Just telling your pain that you decided to walk out on it and it must shut up.
3. Desensitization of the nervous system through Claire Weekes, Kirsten Neff and meditation. It worked for me until my symptoms receded enough to go route #2.

If #1 is not working, have you tried #2 and #3? You could be too overeducated (in a good sense) for #1 to work for you.
Just a thought.

 

[Ellen]

When I cured myself of Chronic Pain before (I'm back after 17 years)...I remember the "FINAL THOUGHT" to my TMS right before it left.

It was essentially "What if you live like this for the rest of your life?" It was the only question I hadn't asked, and the scariest question I had ever asked.

I faced myself with the choice. I basically told myself, I will go on no matter what. And I will do everything as if I don't have it. Every minute I would live as if TMS is coming along for the ride. No matter what.

It was basically "You're stuck with me, because I can't do this anymore"

This was after 2 months of Million dollar machines stretching my spine and daily massage therapy in a clinic, that I paid $15,000 for. Ending with both Doctors telling me there is nothing more they can do.

I walked out my front door that night and went jogging for the first time in 4 years. TMS fizzled out in about 2 months and it left for 17 years.

That worked for me. The finality of saying that I'm just gonna move on. And telling it, " I see you...I know what you are...but we're going to__________________so you can do what you want"

Now that I am back here....I'm thinking I need to relearn that mindset. Getting there is hard. We don't want to let go. The pain and the AWARENESS of it serves a purpose.

It's really up to each individual to find what the purpose is. And I think that can only be achieved with brutal honesty.

I know that this time, myself, I'm gonna have to get to the point of ultimate letting go, because that was the only thing that worked.

I really love your post. You've expressed perfectly something I've been trying to formulate for awhile to help people who've been working hard on their TMS for a long time without results.

 

[Ellen]

Does anyone understand what I mean?

I could have written a very similar post to yours about 12 years ago, right before I first discovered that I have TMS. I was able to get rid of my lifelong severe TMS symptoms eventually about 10 years ago, but I do have a relapse about once a year.

I'm retired now, but at that time I was a licensed Child & Family Therapist. Intellectually I knew all about the human psyche, childhood trauma and its effects, and the therapies used to treat it. I'm an introspective person who thought I knew the impact of my dysfunctional and traumatic childhood on my psychological state. However, I started having what I'd call a "bleed through" of signs that I wasn't fully aware of the impact of my trauma on my day to day life and work. One day when I was discussing the case of a child client of mine with a mental health interdisciplinary team (child psychologists and psychiatrists), my voice started to quiver as I was talking. Of course, being in a room of mental health professionals, it was obvious that everyone noticed, though they didn't say anything. I went home afterward and had to face the fact that this child's history and mine were very similar and it was affecting me profoundly. It was the first time I realized I had not really come to terms with my trauma, and that there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually and being in touch with your actual truth emotionally. This was a painful journey for me, and I used Dr. Schubiner's book to traverse it. After about a year, I was TMS free.

The other factor that I think would be helpful for you to consider, is what @JTinLA has expressed so well above. This is the concept of what we resist persists. A big part of TMS recovery is acceptance. That's why I put the quote from Jon Kabit-Zinn "My definition of healing: coming to terms with things as they are." in my tagline. TMS is a form of resistance to the truth about ourselves and our lives that causes physical pain and other symptoms, as our unconscious tries to keep the truth locked up.

Hang in there. It is possible to get to the other side of your physical symptoms. But it requires allowing and experiencing the emotional pain first.

 

[Skylark7]

All: I really appreciate your thoughts so far!! I am tied up at the moment, but I WILL respond later today.

EDITING TO ADD: My comments/questions on your replies won't be "Yeah, buts" to "prove" this can't work for me. They'll be efforts to better understand what hasn't helped so far, why it hasn't, and how I can change to increase my chances for success. I'm encouraged that you seem to recognize that.

 

[Diana-M]

Does anyone understand what I mean?

Oh. My. Gosh. Yes! Except for a couple details, I have followed your same pattern. Mega traumatic childhood. Symptoms all my life. Lots and lots
of therapy. Massive efforts down all sorts of TMS recovery rabbit holes. Did Schubiner’s book and found the wiki. Been on here (active) 2 months. I’ve learned more by scouring this place than anything I’ve studied yet. The collective amount of wisdom is mind blowing.

I have conquered TMS a few times. Symptoms have almost always overlapped, but I’m a real champ for ignoring them. And often after years, they’ll subside. But this round (begun during the pandemic) is a doozy. I’ve got a LOT of symptoms. And they are impossible to ignore. So how do you win?

Well, im going the hardcore therapy route with Internal Family Systems. It’s not my first rodeo with therapy. I’ve got 10 yers under my belt. But this latest IFS has dug so much deeper. Black sludge is just pouring out. It has been rough. Part of me is like, is this enough, already?! What more do you want!!!??!!(Shaking my fist at the TMS volcano.)

But I’ve learned on here, there are other aspects to this problem. For one, you can get just flat out conditioned to have this pain. If that’s the case, it’s not even about the anger anymore. You can also be just super jacked up hysterical. Major panic. That would be me. I really got whammied from the pandemic. While at the same time, I had about 5 other personal issues going on.

There has been a lot of emphasis on here about looking in plain sight (where you think things are great in your life) and I’m uncovering some painful truths.

Dan Buglio (PainFreeYou) is all about reducing perceived danger. Calming your nervous system. He has a ton of resources and a daily YouTube video.

So to answer your question: you can beat this. You just aren’t there yet. I have to believe this, too. Cuz I’m not there yet either. And it’s super discouraging at times. I cling to this wiki like it’s a life raft!

One of my symptoms is paralyzed legs. It really causes me despair.

I’m a big fan of journaling, but maybe I haven’t done it long enough and well enough to knock out this round of TMS. Healing seems to require a unique blend of techniques and approaches per person.

 

[Diana-M]

I realized I had not really come to terms with my trauma, and that there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually and being in touch with your actual truth emotionally.

Oh, so very true! Especially when a major survival skill was numbing all feelings.

 

[Booble]

I struggle to pay attention to ANYTHING else

"It is often ... difficult to imagine that our minds can cause (symptoms such as) burning, tingling, numbness, fatigue, anxiety, depression or insomnia." (pg 94)​

Surely many people DO find it difficult — particularly those not prone to introspection, and particularly when symptoms seem very physical (pain, burning, tingling, numbness).

But I don't need to be convinced that my fatigue, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and obsessive thought patterns are manifestations of my thoughts and emotions, conscious or unconscious. I know this all too well and have for many years. Nor does it come as a revealation that these conditions are linked to my life experiences and traumas, as I've been unpacking those for over four decades.

I know my brain is "sticky," that my fears present in somatic ways, and that my brain seeks to "protect" me from further trauma. I know that ALL sensations originate in the brain (which is true of everyone), and that MY brain is more talented than most when it comes to creating "physical" symptoms. Nausea, palpitations, headaches, you name it; it's been a frustration all my life. I felt betrayed by my own body when, about 10 years ago, a leg paralysis turned out to be "conversion disorder" — a condition I didn't even believe was real at the time. That was clearly the correct diagnosis, though, as the symptoms vanished the moment I learned they actually WERE "all in my head."

The symptom that distresses me now, though, is the worst I've ever had — by far the most disabling, and for the longest time. It's an "oral dysaesthesia," a weird, foreign feeling inside my mouth, diagnosed as Burning Mouth Syndrome (a neuropathic pain condition that might have been caused by reflux), and also self-diagnosed as a somatic hyperawareness.

The problem isn't that the pain is horrific — it's more of a numby-tingly oddness than it is a burning. The problem is that it's intrusive and constant, unchanging, visceral and "loud," there every waking moment for seven years now. I can't habituate to it. I can't ignore it. Nothing "distracts" me from it; I struggle to pay attention to ANYTHING else, including things I enjoy. And I've become unable to function.

It's not hypochondria; I'm not worried about cancer or a brain tumor. My worry is that I'll spend the rest of my life as I have for the last seven, with this sensation taking up 90% of my conscious awareness at any given moment. And that's the thought that gives me existential despair.

I've told every therapist, counselor, psychologist and doctor I've seen that it's NOT my goal to "get rid of" this symptom, but to teach my brain to simply disregard it. The end result would be the same. Trying to find help to "retrain my brain" is what led me to the topic of Pain Reprocessing Therapy, then to a local Integrative Health doctor, then to Dr Schubiner's book, then to this website. That doctor, along with every doctor and therapist I've had for decades (since long before THIS symptom), expressed hope and optimism for my healing — especially since I have lots of insight into my symptoms and my trauma and I'm willing to put in the work.

And I AM willing to put in the work. I've gone beyond rock-bottom and my life is at risk.

My problem is this: 94 pages in, I'm thinking, My God. None of this is new (so far), and I've gone much deeper in the past. I've BEEN journaling about my emotions and thoughts for 45+ years, since first diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD as a teen. I got a psych degree, I've used CBT and led CBT support groups; I've picked apart EVERY moment of my youth again and again; I've written articles and books about my family dynamics and C-PTSD. And I look at this book and think, "Is that all there is?"

PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I am NOT saying I know more than Dr Schubiner or that I'm "above" treatment. I'm saying that I already know/do the things he's talked about so far, over the course of years with no improvement (actually gotten worse), and I need to understand what will be new or different this time ... and how this doesn’t mean the end of the road for me.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

I haven't read other responses yet so pardon me if I repeat.
Two things come to mind when reading your post.
1. "I can't ignore it. Nothing "distracts" me from it; I struggle to pay attention to ANYTHING else"

This right here is the clue that you CAN get rid of it.
It's classic that it will never go away when we give it all of our attention.
The converse of that is when we are able to not give it attention it dissolves and goes away without us even realizing it.

That's the good news.
The bad news is that you can't force yourself or will yourself to stop thinking about it.

But wait, there is more good news.
The "TMS work" IS different from all those things you mention.
When you've "picked apart EVERY moment of my youth again and again" did you allow yourself to RAGE and get rip roaring screaming maniac mad as fuck about it?

If you do that then you will start to feel the numb tingly stuff start to fade and you'll stop thinking about it and it will continue to fade until it's all gone.

Whenever you think about, try and turn your thoughts to some person or situation and allow yourself to be pissed off at them. Even if it's a person you love or loved. Whether or not they are dead or alive. Let it all come to the surface.

It's normal to feel these feeling of skepticism as that is the TMS brain protecting you from delving into these pushed down emotions.
But you are in charge and if you want to go there and find the rage and let it out it's up to you. You can sit down with pen and paper and to use Jan's phrase, "write shit down." And write it down and write it down and write it down. Not politely, but like a screaming nutter.

 

[Diana-M]

did you allow yourself to RAGE

The key! Harder than you think for some of us.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

It's really up to each individual to find what the purpose is. And I think that can only be achieved with brutal honesty.

Brutal honesty. Followed by brutal and probably terrifying vulnerability. It's the only way through.