This morning I started thinking about all the things I've quit/started doing as a result of TMS based fear. I thought it might be therapeutic to write all these things out, so here goes. In the last 2 years I've stopped practicing music, stopped drinking coffee, stopped drinking tea, changed my diet multiple times, quit eating many of my favorite foods, quit exercising, quit touring and quit enjoying life. I've also started many practices in attempts to relieve my pain or prevent migraines. Things like morning pages, walking, yoga, P90x, push-ups, therapy, acupuncture, physical therapy, massage, chiropractors, meditation, countless supplements, stretching, moving out of a stressful living situation, avoided relationships, read books, colored, quit drinking, started drinking, quit smoking, started smoking and generally lived in fear of back pain or migraines all the time. I've become a slave to the pain. My day revolves around hoping I don't experience pain or constantly checking my vision to see if a migraine is coming on. And the funny thing is that none of these activities seem to have any positive impact on my symptoms. I'm angry because I've felt unhappy playing music because I don't feel any personal growth because I can't practice. I also feel burnt out from playing so many gigs in the last few years that part me feels like I could walk away from playing professionally and not miss it one bit. I'm unsure how much of that is due to the rut I feel stuck in, or my fading interest in the band that I play the majority of my gigs with or just general burn out. The one thing I do know is that I'm tired of structuring my whole life around a fear of pain or migraines. I want my life back.