Accepting getting older

Getting older is nothing that bothers me ...so I thought! It turns out that the physical decay, the threat of a chronic disease and of course mortality really, really frightens me. There is an almost childish rebellion inside me: death is a humiliation, it’s a wrong concept, totally wrong. Then suddenly I understand scientist who want to download their brains. And then again, I think that death is part of life. And that people also die in peace. That eternal life would be meaningless.
The problem seems to be that being afraid of dying often goes hand in hand with being anxious of living. These days I am thinking a lot about these things. I had a CT scan and besides that everything seems to be ok, they found a tiny spot on my lungs which the report calls “probably not significant”. I find ‘probably’ not very securing. I read about these spots. They are typical found in CT and most often they mean nothing. But sometimes they are the beginning of lung cancer. This has to be controlled. And the whole thought of maybe having a little bomb ticking there, is just not so nice. See above, life and death. Acceptance, utter acceptance as Claire Weekes says about to deal with anxiety. Also in this case, acceptance is the answer.

 

This is a big problem for me. I was cheated out of the prime of my life by badly done, unneeded surgery and was presented with, at 30, the limits and pains aging brings us anyway. I struggle every day with "acceptance" since it hurts and sucks...I mean even the non-TMS stuff. It doesn't feel worth the suffering for what I get out of life. I've seen many elderly people express the same feelings and I am mid 40s now so cannot imagine possibly twice that again getting worse with time. Death is a whole other animal and thinking too much about it causes me existential dread sometimes and an expectation of relief from suffering at others. When your health is not great...and you know it will only get worse naturally with time as it does for all anyway...it's hard to find hope.

 

I've been this way, too, since being little. I know early childhood lack of bonding and trauma creates adult pain, according to Dr. Gabor Mate. It seems highly plausible.

One of my freelance jobs was working with CMN @ children's hospitals. I've met and talked to many terminal kids, children born with major bodily defects, brittle bone kids, you name it. The most fascinating part of it all to me was that none of them had much fear, including of death.

Maybe it's that they are too young to understand death, or that they were never well, so they have nothing to compare their situation to.
I was floored by the lack of suffering, actually. The BIG suffering came from the parents.

I think the reason I'm writing this here is because most of these kids had NO options but to live with what they had and be in the moment.
Somehow, the being present in today, made them suffer less. I can't speak to how their pain was managed, or how much they had.

I try to remember that I create so much of my suffering by thinking..." Will I always be this way? Will it get worse?"
The bottom line for me is realizing that fear has crushed me every time I think about the "what if's."
Living in the moment is much easier said than done, but I must believe it's possible...

Marcia

 

Fear of death is at the root of a whole slew of modern disease... and not just physical ones like tms.
I find it in myself every time I am upset about something. ''Tis always rooted in some terrestrial mirage.

Once I learned there is no "my life" I realized there is nothing to lose. The optical illusion of this plane is just that. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

Perhaps a flip through Marcus Aurelius' "meditations" might help.

We're all gonna 'die' but not everyone gets to live. That fear of dying is like a Tms symptom...just there to distract us from the now.

 

I've gone down the philosophical route and get more depressed because it seems I am just "living in the present suffering" whislt waiting to die. I am not sure how people with lives that aren't great do that and feel positive about it. If I only had TMS or some situational issue then it would be easier as I would KNOW it could pass. I am not sure how to accept and live when it's not going to pass and its not at all the quality of life I want to live even now, let alone as it degrades with age.

I know that's basically a specific version of "whats the point in living"...and when life was decent and normal I saw that the enjoyable times were worth experiencing. Now due to many factors outside of TMS my life is not at all enjoyable and most of my energy is spent enduring. "A day at a time" doesn't feel like any way to live when there is no "better" coming in any realistic sense.

I don't know what is or isn't beyond this physical life...and thinking about that brings me no peace. While I can intellectually think "if its nothing I won't care as I won't exist"...that still scares me. If there is something better then I'd like to get on to that right now and not suffer potentially another 40+ years.

 

Had@ this is really sad! I hope you find some hope! Thanks Marcia@, being in the present seems to be the way to get peace. Your experience with the children is really touching. Thanks, Baseball@, Reading Marcus Aurelius is a good idea! But I am not there where I can say there is no ‘my life’, there is of course something bigger than me, but still, It w9nt be known without a consciousness. Maybe I have difficulties with the acceptance of dying because I now want so much to have a good life after so many years with pain and frustrations. That this fear of dying is just another distraction from TMS is a good point. I haven’t thought of it that way. The whole anxiety-of -cancer-stuff could be a pure distraction. But I have to wait for further diagnostics to be sure that my symptoms are TMS. I hope I am there soon.

 

Dear had@, I know people who love their lives even with many illnesses or disabilities. And there are others who feel miserable while being in good health. You seem to have every reason to be frustrated. But aren’t there also some better days? To tell you that you chose the mood you are in, sounds cheap, I know. It’s easy said. However, there is some truth in it. As I said, getting older frightens me. But I also think it is a totally wrong idea that human beings should not be depend upon others. That becoming dependent upon others destroys our dignity. On the contrary, I would say. Human dignity is contested when we are fragile and dependent upon others. And it is precisely in these situations that dignity needs to be confirmed. And to Baseball@, in this sense I do understand that there is more than ‘my life’, or, I would say that my life is so much intertwined with others that it cannot be viewed as isolated.

 

I too know people with worse issues than mine who claim they love their life. I don't know if they really do or if its positivity techniwue and mantra. We often tell others we believe things that we internally truly do not...and TMSers are bad about that as you know due to the pleasing others stuff. Since I do not enjoy my life amidst this daily suffering...I can't know what that feels like or if its TRULY possible. "Some" better days? Sure. But that's not good enough honestly. In normal life before all this happened....most life was just "normal"....not terrible or amazing...the highs and lows were random and less common. I think that's how life is for most people. Mine was just altered to a point the lows were the most common days and even getting a day closer to normal took the place of amazing. If that makes any sense. I would like to live again rather than endure. I am not a negative person...I am realistic but not pessimistic...I can appreciate small moments of joy and don't look for the bad etc...the problem again is the whole thing has shifted to one side for me whereas "normal" is my previous "low". It's physically AND mentally exhausting...like living with a bad flu or something that you never heal from...its POSSIBLE to exist...but its terribly uncomfortable and you never get to experience that feeling better and being "normal" again.

 

Honestly, it is difficult for me to understand your life situation. If there is no hope for getting better, one must accommodate to that and find out how to deal with that. I have no clue of how to do that, unfortunately. And I understand that having no hope is very difficult. However, it may depend upon how you look at the different realms of your life and see something positive there. Again, it's difficult for me to react ... sorry, maybe others have a better intuition here!

 

@had Reading your story I get the impression that you are grieving the loss of the life you had and have yet come to terms with the life you have now. Is this what it is like for you?

Apparently there is more going on in your life than TMS otherwise there would be hope of life improving. So you must have a lot on your plate right now. I can imagine this is very hard.

I've felt the way you feel in the past. To me it was a feeling of utter desperation: I did not see a way out, so what was the point of going on?

I know now these feelings are a red flag. To me they are a big warning sign that I've trapped myself in my own reasoning, which makes me loose perspective and hope. It is a warning sign of depression. When I feel this way, I need professional help. I'm so stuck at this point that no well meaning friend is able to reach me anymore. I'll counter everything they say with a list of reasons why everything they say is not true in my case. It's almost like I resist help, even though I don't feel like that in the moment. In retrospect I can see that it is true.

I'm not saying that the way you feel is exactly the same. But I do think you might greatly benefit from professional help if that's within your possibilities. There is no shame in seeking professional help. Rather it is an act a self-care.

 

Bur I appreciate the post...often when people's advice doesn't or hasn't worked they get upset at you so I am always worried this will happen...but I have seen therapists and doctors and done all the stuff anyone has ever suggested and am no better off....just more broke as they get paid regardless and I leave more depressed. You are right I grieve that life...I have lost everything....health, relationships, career, hobbies etc. Nothing in any category of my life is good...or mostly even normal...its below what most people experience and exhausting. It's not a situation I believe I can ever get over...I will always want that more "average" life back. Most of my life since the surgery has been just enduring...surviving....trying to make it from dry spot to dry spot in a flooded world and it's exhausting. People make it so much worse with betrayal and abuse but living isolated is another hell. I "accept" thats how it is and I cannot change it, but that doesn't mean I like it or that it's comfortable at all. I can enjoy the small moments whilst standing in a dry spot for a little bit with my ragged and worn out life but it doesn't give me hope as the water is still impinging and the next dry spot always further. I have no experience to show it's ever going to get any better, and lots to show it will get worse.

I am not seeing things wrong or looking for problems...I am seeing the road ahead as it is and for 15 years its been more and more difficult to travel...if there is an amazing life "around the corner" out of my sight I would love that and try to fight for it...but it's terribly unlikely given the terrain and reality and hope can only sustain you so long. I am just not a person who can live in their head endlessly....like Frankl in the concentration camp....I dont respond to that as I KNOW inside I am lying to myself and dont believe what I am saying. I need at the very least SOME improvements to anchor hope on. Same reason I don't believe in any god...I can want to, say I do, but behind the curtain I know I don't and so would any god. In any case I WANT to get better...I've tried everything I think could work and many things I didn't but gave my best shot at anyway....I just might not have the right mental capacity for the "hard" tms stuff. I can easily shut off back pain and some other stuff because the proof is there enough for my mind to accept...but the more vague things or things that are ongoing without any impact from TMS work are the ones consuming my life.

 

Dear had@, as you describe your situation, you are stuck. How do you think we can help?
You say that there is betrayal and you came to accept it as part of human behavior. I also know betrayal, really bad betrayal. I became more realistic and cautious. But I don’t believe that there is only betrayal. Maybe the dry spots, you are talking about are larger than you think. You don’t want to betray your feelings by being optimistic. Funny thing is though, that your feelings might change being more optimistic. Your medical condition as such won’t change, but the way it taints your perception of life might change.
My father is now 85, he suffered his whole life from one or the other illness. IBS really badly, then knee pain, blood clots in the legs and arms, prostate cancer, diverticulitis. Some clearly TMS, some not. He complained all his life, afraid of living, afraid of dying - that could be his motto. I believe now that he feels happy in own peculiar way. When he has his beer and watches football, when he comes back from the emergency and doctors told him that there is nothing wrong, etc. I still don’t think that he had and has a good life, but it is his life.
You are clearly sick and tired of all well-meant advices and positive thinking (which I also loathe). Understandable. But what now?

 

yeah, i have this too and i think it's the reason i'm getting worse TMS wise. i'm only mid-30s, but there's unfortunate shallow belief of women and aging. That's some of it. Also, yes, i "wasted" years of my prime life in pain and i cant imagine it getting better. For instance, as a person with long-term pelvic pain, i've never had a normal "romantic" life, and generally these things only get worse for women because of dwindling hormones. I also gave up the idea of having children because of my health (mental/physical) so i'm depressed over that. It's like i'm trying to find a sense of worth as the years go by. Most of my friends are in comfortable happy relationships and or/married. i'm a sick failure