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Day 1 Accepting, doubts & worries

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by cnote, Aug 16, 2016.

  1. cnote

    cnote Peer Supporter

    Well, I'm to the point where I'm willing to try anything. And after reading some of Healing Back Pain, I'm convinced I totally fit the profile for TMS.

    You see in 2007 I started dealing with BAD anxiety. Matter of fact, it was so bad I had no idea what was wrong with me. I could not sleep for 5 nights in a row. My heart rate was a constant 120bpm. I had no appetite. I thought I was dying of cancer or something. After going to the Doctor, he explained I was having really bad anxiety, and he handed me pills, as in that was the ANSWER! I couldnt believe that this was happening to me.

    The Dr. never mentioned therapy to me. Heck, I wasnt even sure if we had any therapists in my town. So down the path of benzodiazpines I went. Ativan was my drug of choice to help with anxiety. I knew not to "abuse" it, and only take it when necessary.

    Well, it wasnt long before I noticed after I would feel better for a while, I would feel sicker, and worse anxiety than ever before. I finally got into some therapy, but it didnt really work, because the Ativan was causing tolerance withdrawal symptoms, and I didnt even know it.

    Finally in 2011, after doing some research online, I found out I was going through Ativan tolerance withdrawals. Basically, even though I wouldnt take the ativan every day... over time, my body developed a tolerance to it, and it was craving more, putting me into a withdrawal, even when taking a dose.

    I got off the pills in 2012, and for once, I felt like I had my LIFE BACK. It was amazing! Now, of course I still suffer from some anxiety from time to time, but NOTHING like before. I could actually cope and deal with this anxiety vs. when I was on chemicals.

    You see. If I would have just gotten into therapy in 2007, I probably could have healed without meds. In 2007, I was freshly married (about 1 year), we just bought our first house, my wife and I had our first child, my boss would call me late at night drunk chewing me out about how horrible of an employee I was (11 years later, and I'm still here and am the Creative Director, haha!!) and my grandmother, who I was really close to, died from lung cancer.

    Wouldnt any 23 year old be anxious with all of that stuff going on around the same year?

    Let's jump to July of 2014. I remember having some stressors in my life, and not feeling 100% happy. But I was okay. I remember saying "It's time to start working out and get into shape."

    I started running every single day, and lifting weights. I felt GOOD. Not just physically, but also mentally. People were giving me compliments on how "buff" I looked. haha. This was a confidence builder, no doubt!

    I feel that a lot of us who suffer from anxiety and or mild depression have some level of low confidence.

    Anyways, in July of 2014, after running everyday for nearly a month, I noticed one night that when I was having relations with my wife, that my penis hurt when I had an erection. Rationally, I figured I just pulled a ligament or something, and did not worry about it.

    Finally after 2 weeks of pain when I got an erection, I went to my Dr. who used to treat me for anxiety. He told me it was nothing to worry about, and probably was just a ligament and that it would heal.

    That night I went back home and noticed after urinating I was leaking A LOT in my boxer shorts. Then by that night, I noticed I felt like once I went pee, immediately I felt like I had to pee AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. This feeling did not stop.

    That night in bed my bladder hurt so bad it was radiating into my pelvic bone. I was scared. I thought I had a kidney stone or something coming on.

    The next morning, with absolutely no sleep, I went back to my Dr., and he did a UTI test and it was Negative. He told just to be safe to take a round of antibiotics. He maybe thought it could be a bladder infection. That week or so was HELL. Complete HELL. I could not sleep at night, and had to use a heating pad on my stomach every night.

    I finally called him the day of my last dose of antibiotics. I was crying on the phone in pain. The feeling of having to pee 24/7 will drive you NUTS if you've ever had this before.

    He told me to come into his office the next morning. He did another UTI test, and it was once again negative. He was STUMPED. He then asked me if I happened to have any BACK PAIN. I said "now that you mention it, I've been getting out of bed at night and have been feeling SUPER TIGHT in my lower lumbar, and have the constant feeling to stretch it, but my bladder pain is worse than the back pain.

    He then said "You probably have pinched a nerve with all your running etc.". I was shocked. I had no idea my lower back could cause all this. But after reading online, Cuada Equina syndrome came up.

    I immediately had my Dr. paged and asked him if I could have this? He told me "no.". I had a hard time believing him because he had NOT done an x-ray or anything at this point. He just kept recommending massage and stretching.

    A year went by with pretty much non-stop lower back pain. I just got used to it. However I recall a couple times when I felt almost NO back pain.

    The first time I noticed my back pain vanished for a while is when a new co-worker sat next to me at work. She was beautiful, not going to lie. She was 23 years old, and at this time I was 31. Of course I'm married, and NO I would NEVER do anything. But she kept flirting with me... NON STOP. It made me a bit uncomfortable, but at the same time... it did something to me. It made me feel like SUPERMAN. I felt CONFIDENT AGAIN. I didnt feel that confident in ages! I felt 18 again.

    Then there was another time when my back pain seemed to vanish for a short while. It was when I did a live play with a famous comedian for a sitcom taping.

    So, in my brain, if distraction can help pain... why can't TMS therapy cure it? I'm still a bit skeptical... but I'll get there in a minute.

    Continuing on.

    Jump to March of 2015.

    At this point, my back was still as bad as ever. I just could never get comfortable, felt worse in the mornings etc. I kept googling symptoms, fearing everything from fibromyalgia to RA to Lymes.

    I was going to my chiropractor almost religiously now, and getting massages all the time. Now I was having pain in between my shoulder blades SO bad, it would just ache. The trigger points would send shooting pains down my right arm. I could not figure out what was going on with my BODY!!

    Then in March of 2015 one day I felt SO fatigue. Every joint in my body hurt. I went to go swim, and felt so weak. I was scared. I was depressed. I had no idea what was going on. I knew I had to have had Lymes disease or something. I mean nobody at my age should have this much pain.

    I went to 3 Doctors. My primary said nothing was wrong with me. He did a HUGE blood panel, and it showed I was healthier than a horse. He also did an x-ray and it said I did have an extra vertebrae, but it was normal, and I was born with it. I went to another Dr. and she did a Lymes disease test and it came back negative. I went to one more Doctor and he said the only thing that showed up in my blood was EBV Virus. I thought I had my answer! I took the results to my Primary Doctor, and he laughed and said "Everybody has the EBV strain in their body by adulthood. You never had mono, but you were exposed. Nothing is wrong with you okay?".

    Finally my brother came over to my house one night and massaged me, and I finally started feeling good again for about 2 months.

    Then the cycle just kept continuing.

    2 weeks ago I was so depressed because my arms started feeling weak. I thought I had some neurological disease at this point. Because, if my blood work is good, I don't have fibro, I don't have Lymes, I don't have anything wrong with me... it MUST be MS or something horrible.

    My Dr. once again told me that I'm just getting older. I then demanded an MRI of my lower spine. He finally agreed.

    He would only do my lower back. It came back POSITIVE for a BROAD-BASED bulging disc in my l4-5, and also reported some mild DDD.

    My Dr. said "So, you've got a couple bulging discs. Normal. Just don't exercise too much etc."

    I asked him since the l4-5 nerve roots control bladder etc, if that WAS INDEED the cause of my pain? He said "probably".

    So here I am... now with random arm pain, feeling of weakness. etc. and off and on low back pain.

    I feel relieved I have an answer... but yet a bit scared of what the future holds.

    But now after reading HEALING BACK PAIN, I'm HOPEFUL.

    I read the first success story and it gives me hope!! I mean, that dudes back was REALLY messed up, and he's HEALED.

    Now, my homework says to write down some of my doubts or worries about starting the HEALING PROCESS, and ACCEPTING TMS as a diagnosis.

    I DO accept it. I'm open! Totally open to it! Especially with my past history with anxiety issues... it's no doubt I'm def. a candidate for this. haha.

    My ONLY worries or doubts is... scientifically, some people DO indeed have PAIN from bulging discs etc. If a guy is in a car wreck, and the seat crushes his spine, moving discs onto the spinal cord... Can you truly say that that is just a result of TMS?

    Those are just some of the thoughts my brain has... HOWEVER. I'm also a FIRM BELIEVE that the body was designed HEAL itself! And sometimes, it's just needs a LITTLE HELP.

    So here I am. I'm "anxious" to see where I will be in the next few weeks. :)

    Sorry so long. But this is necessary! :)
  2. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    From your history I would say you definitely have tms because you've had lots of tests but nothing out of the ordinary was found. Yet you have all of these dramatic symptoms accompanied by fear and anxiety.
    If you have been in a car crash like that I'm sure you're injuries would be physical and the pain would be from that but would heal over time and not become chronic. You haven't been in a car crash, your body is healthy. Your mind is creating the symptoms to distract you from what it perceives as intolerable emotions.
  3. cnote

    cnote Peer Supporter

    But could the running, have been my "accident"? Putting pressure on my spine? Also I forgot to mention a couple months before the back pain, I picked up an airhockey table all by myself, and remember it being EXTREMELY HEAVY, and could have hurt my back. Regardless, after watching the trailer for the new Dr Sarno Documentary that's about to come out... I think I still totally fit the profile for TMS. I figured, if I get NO PAIN RELIEF from this... at least I will get some much needed THERAPY for my anxiety issues. I can't lose! But I know the 1st thing I have to do is 100% ACCEPT that this is all TMS. :)

    The reason I say that I do think it's TMS, is that, Why is it, my low back can NOT hurt at times, then hurt at times? I told my wife last night, my MRI showed clear as crystal that my bulging disc was bulging on both sides of my nerves. If it were indeed causing all my lower back pain, then it technically SHOULDNT stop hurting from time to time, correct? That's my theory. :)
  4. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, cnote. I'm so glad you wrote and have begun the SEProgram. Journaling will help you to discover the emotions causing your pains. They can move around until your subconscious "gets it," that you have discovered those harmful emotions.

    You may need to increase your belief in TMS. Dr. Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders are helpful in that. One of our TMS community wrote an extended version that I really like:
    Herbie’s Extended Version of Dr. Sarno’s 12 DAILY REMINDERS

    1. The pain is due to TMS. This is real pain or anxiety but it is caused by subconscious tensions and triggers, stressors and traits to your reactions and fears and also when at boiling point your conscious tension can and does also cause real pain.
    2. The main reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation. This means that when you get in pain or anxiety then the blood is restricted from going to your lower back, for instance. The blood being restricted causes oxygen deprivation which causes the pain. Remember, where there is no oxygen then there is pain in the body. Also, the pain stays because of fear.
    3. TMS is a harmless condition caused by my REPRESSED EMOTIONS so even though you think you can harm yourself from the years of pain you have felt and how you feel in general -- so far no reports have been heard from TMS healing knowledge causing damage to anyone, it only helps.
    4. The principle emotion is your repressed ANGER -- this means under your consciousness lies something that happens automatically to everyone. TMSers have repressions that are stored because of our personality traits, traumas, stressors, fears, strain, etc... When these stored repressions build and build, then eventually they cause the brain to send pain into your body to keep you from having an emotional crises. The mind-body thinks it is helping you.
    5. TMS exists to DISTRACT your attentions from the emotions, stressors, tensions and strains of your personality traits because if you can get distraction then you won’t have to be in emotional turmoil. When you don't face and feel your emotions and they get repressed because you didn't want to deal with something -- they are just adding up in this beaker, ready to pour over and create real pain and anxiety in your body.
    6. Since my body is perfectly normal, there is nothing to fear. So in reality when I fear the pain or anxiety I just cause myself undo strain and tension adding to the beaker of pain. If I fear, then I feed the pain, If I fear, it’s impossible to recondition. Fear keeps the pain and anxiety alive in the body through focus.
    7. Therefore, physical activity is harmless. If I want to work against the pain I could but it’s better to lose some of the pain so when I start my life over I have to be in pain trying to heal because facing the repressions and all the other activities that cause the pain and reversing my fear and focus to them, then I can heal.
    8. I am resuming all normal physical activity. I don't fear moving anymore. I believe in my body’s ability to heal now. I can move as I want. I will not fear moving with a bent back anymore. I will also practice going out and acting normal again, not in fear of what pain might do to me.
    9. The pain is unimportant and powerless. Its only power is how it is hidden -- its illusion, its fear.
    10. I will keep my attention on the emotional issues. I will think about my emotions and feel my emotions throughout the day. I will not judge, criticize or fear my emotions. I will not run from my emotional issues but face every one of them. I will feel my emotions fully and cry if I need to. Then I will release the emotion and get my mind and thoughts back to my life and living in the present.
    11. I am in control of all of this. This is how I recover.
    12. I will be thinking PSYCHOLOGICALLY AT ALL TIMES. This means I will keep my thoughts on psychological issues like happiness, fear and anger -- traits and triggers, conditioning and journaling -- The science behind mind-body/TMS healing, etc.... This way I will not feed my thoughts to the body -- that is a trick of TMS. TMS will always try to get me to focus on the body caused by the pain until I break its show and flair. When I get my attention off physical symptoms and on to emotional issues and psychological issues then I will not feed the fear of the physical issues anymore, thus making the TMS of no pain effect on the body. This will in return, give us the cure and become pain-free.
  5. cnote

    cnote Peer Supporter

    Thank you so much for sharing Walt! :)
  6. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    No Running would not put pressure on your spine. Your back is stronger than you think.
    If you injured your back from picking up the table it wouldn't have taken a couple of months to show symptoms.
    I agree with Walt about increasing your belief in TMS. Saturating your consciousness with TMS knowledge will help. And then theres always the 'leap of faith!'
    Your theory is correct. Keep building your evidence.
  7. cnote

    cnote Peer Supporter

    There are many other reasons why I am accepting this as all TENSION!! (aka tension myositis syndrome) I have also developed a form a dermatitis on my chin. It is getting better over the years, but right now I have an outbreak. Looks like dandruff in my beard. I believe it's a reaction of STRESS.

    I'm believing more and more that I have TMS every day! And today, MORE THAN EVER! It just makes sense!!!
    birdsetfree likes this.
  8. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    Well done!

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