I'm recently aware that I do contain my feelings, and I am surprised that this morning I'm compassionate about this tendency. I feel sadness and grief, and they are just at the surface. I've never been able to force the feelings out. But this morning I am blown away that I am letting up on pressuring myself . Reading recovery stories helps. I am noticing that my mind quietly tells me, almost without my hearing it, that my body is fragile and weak and damaged and breakable. None of that is true. I've been to doctors and had tests that show that I have only normal wear and tear like what others with tms recovery stories describe. One doctor even told me that my symptoms are psychologically caused. Another, an orthoped, said that I wouldn't hurt so much if it were not for fibromyalgia. This confirms that the pain is a distraction. It's hard to witness my habit of repressing feelings. I am recently aware that I have been repressing for a very long time, for decades. I guess I can't really demand myself to suddenly stop. I've stopped pain relief treatments and only go for help for trauma like EMDR and neurofeedback and talk therapy at a sexual trauma clinic. I'm as mindful as I can be about when I hold myself back from activities out of fear of pain, and when I notice that reticence, I do the activity. I still cringe at feelings like rage and resentment but am making progress at not judging myself for them and for my selfish thoughts and traits. I sometimes recognize that my thoughts and feelings aren't harming anybody. I don't know what it will be like to be all better. My life has been limited for a long time. Thanks for reading .