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A question about what to do when you have identified a significant cause of anger

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by tgirl, Jan 6, 2017.

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  1. tgirl

    tgirl Well known member

    I have an issue that causes me great anger and sadness. The unfortunate thing is I really can't change it right now. What am I suppose to do with these feelings in order to work through my pain? Can I still have the situation in my life and recover?

    The shortened version of my issue is that my 19 year old daughter and I get along but only to a certain level. When she explodes, which can be for a very small reason, she says horrible things to me- very hurtful and cruel. She has to want to change in order for this to get better and I'm not sure she wants to. Thankfully she attends university in another city.

    Any suggestions?
     
  2. Jules

    Jules Well known member

    I have the same issue with my college student, as well. She's 18 and also attends college in another city. We get along as long as I agree or don't voice my opinion. Its frustrating and angering. My daughter doesn't explode, she just shuts me down, which isn't healthy for either of us. I had to sit her down and tell her how her behavior was hurting me and that she needed to allow for dissenting opinion.

    You're her mother and she needs to know its not OK how she's treating you. If her anger gets out of control, you have every right to tell her to leave until she calms down. She may also need therapy if she's got underlying issues. Just remember, its not your fault and its most likely not personal.

    I had to ensure her anger issues didn't create more tension for me. I wish you luck. Its not easy being a mom, especially when the buck stops with us and oftentimes, we are the punching bag. I asked my 21-yr-old son why he would treat me like crap when he was younger and his response surprised me. He said he felt comfortable at home being that way and it was the only place he felt safe to be HIM. He has bi polar and borderline personality disorder. That may be something to think about - but it doesn't mean its OK to abuse you. She obviously has anger issues and yes, she does want to want to change.

    In regards to your own anger, you may need pyschotherapy to deal with your issues. This is what I had to do. Journaling has helped me a lot. Write an unsent letter to her. It may really help you with tension.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. tgirl

    tgirl Well known member

    Thanks for your response. I am seeing a therapist and will do so for awhile longer. She even told me that she wants to see a counsellor at school, but whether she will get around to it is another story. Who knew parenting could be do thankless.

    Best of luck to you too...
     
    Jules likes this.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi tgirl,
    I love Jule's response, with first hand, courageous experience.
    You have a right to be angry and also set boundaries with your daughter. In fact, the more you set boundaries, say your piece, disengage when you've had enough --the less angry you will likely be. The less in conflict you will be with yourself. In the meantime, your anger is important as the fuel to set boundaries. It has a wisdom which should not be ignored. More clarity for you, especially what you need for boundaries is likely to help your TMS. Allowing and exploring the wisdom of anger is a natural path, rather than trying to rid yourself of feelings in order to heal.
    With Respect,
    Andy B
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2017
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  5. tgirl

    tgirl Well known member

    Thanks Andy. I am getting counselling for this and in the mean time am trying to practice acceptance, detachment and letting go.
     

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