A new week

[Pingman]

Well, I have seen some ups and downs the past few weeks. I have learned one thing, I am only 98% sure that TMS is to blame.

There is something in my mind that just can't accept it at 100% and relax and I just don't know why. I want so much to get back to normal and so frustrated with why I can't accept and float through this. I have a huge certification I am studying for that is coming up and a vacation following that. I am nervous that my obsession on my TMS and anxiety is going to impact my exam and my vacation and ruin it for my family.

I had to go back to my GP for a checkup becuase she gave me xanax which i refused to take. She assured me that the pressure I feel each morning in my temples, scalp and eyes is related to my stress and tension in my back, neck and possibly clenching at night now from stress. She told me to take some extra vitamin d3 and relax...wait for summer to come. She assured me I could not have light sensitivity passing 3 eye exams and the fact that I can function in the light without pain.

So for a small minute i was on a high but then I percieved my vision as being off. Things not looking quite as sharp as they should, my eyes hurting and my head feeling heavy. The anxiety comes back but I am able to recover quickly now. I start wondering....is the tension causing my eye muscles to contract and making my vision off or is it all in my head.

Its as if I am bouncing back and forth between thinking there might be an issue behind my perceived vision issues and then fearing that I have induced this all on my own and that I won't have the strength to battle back. I just can't get to the point where I say, " SO what..my vision is off but I am ok"

I know the road to recovery is only going to happen when I stop looking for the issue and one day realize I am not focused on it and I am fine.

There are times now though when I do find myself doing things and not having issues. I am also sleeping better now. But this morning I was expecting to have no vision issues and did and was so mad at myself and frustrated I cried a little.

I was able to use TMS to fix my sciatica and other pains but I am having the hardest time with these head and eye sensations. I know people actually function better than me who have real head pain and headaches which makes me even more worried since mine is a miled tension headache.

For me its all about the eyes though. If I could figure out why TMS is making me so preoccupied with my eyes I think I could deal with tension pressure because I do see that come and go during the day so I know its muscular.

My eye muscles feel very sore all the time. I wonder if it is as simple as eye strain caused by constant stress and tension.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Alex Bloom LCSW]

Hi Pingman,

A lot going on here, but there are some specifics that it may be useful to focus on. Firstly, it seems that you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. When I see things like "I want so much to get back to normal" and "I'm nervous that my anxiety and TMS will affect my exam and vacation" this puts up a red flag. Remember, the whole point of your pain is to create fear and anxiety. I think the reason you are not able to relax is that you are putting immense emphasis on overcoming your pain, being at specific place with it. The problem with this is that all of your thinking right now is focused on the symptoms, whether pain or light sensitivity. It is important to remind yourself that the goal here is not to defeat and overcome the pain; rather we are trying to address the underlying causes that are generating the symptoms in the first place. As long as you remain focused on symptoms on pressuring yourself to defeat them, they will continue to stymie you and create anxiety. Another example of this is when you say "... its all about the eyes though. If I could figure out why TMS is making me so preoccupied with my eyes I think I could deal with tension pressure...". This mentality gives so much power to that symptom! It's like telling an opponent all of the moves your going to make and then getting frustrated at yourself for having a bad strategy. It doesn't matter how good your play is, as long as you tell your opponent all your weaknesses they will continue to exploit them. You are giving your body the message that if it wants to create stress and anxiety all it needs to do is crank up the eye issues.

This is what we talk about when we emphasize separating your success from your level of pain. By associating your progress with where the pain is you will find yourself obsessing over it constantly, thinking about where it has been, where it is and where it is going, what you need to do to prevent it, the list goes on. Then, even when you think you have made progress, any reappearance of symptoms throws you back to square one and gets you thinking structurally:

This morning I was expecting to have no vision issues and did and was so mad at myself and frustrated I cried a little.

Look at the expectations you're creating for yourself!

I will link an entry here that might be useful: Outcome Independence. Even if you are familiar with it, read it again. The key here is repetition, practice and patience. It may sound very daunting to focus on yourself and how you react to the pain, rather than the pain itself, but I assure you, you are capable of it.

 

[Pingman]

Alex - Thank you for taking time to respond. I feel like I have posted that same post a couple other times when I am upset and gotten the same great feedback you gave from the likes of Herbie, Walt and others.

There was even a point before I had TMS when I would think my vision was off due to the wind, dry contacts etc... and shrug it off to my wife as nothing. You are 100% right about me feeding the subconscious by telling it I have issues. I was able to actually get past this for 3 weeks using self talk but for some reason it came back worse.

It is as now as if I set my mind to only thinking emotionally vs physical, set on being positive and set out for the day and quickly perceieve an eye issue and revert back. I am putting a whole lot of pressure on myself because no one can believe I can't snap out of this. I know that is only serving to prolong things.

I have a great friend and co-worker who suffers from health anxiety/TMS induced somatic pains. She said after awhile she was finally sick of worrying and decided to become Outcome Independent. She was able to move her thoughts when she would begin to check and measured that as a sucess. My wife, suffers from GAD and even though her anxiety doesn't revolve around TMS, she is able to push her attacks away using this method. She said she will not let anxiety define her and if she doesn't fight it has power over her.

I need to work harder on removing the fear and floating now. I need to measure my sucess on how little I care. I am still in shock that this has happened to me, it is almost like a bad dream even though its been 4 months now. Thank you for the reminder of OUtcome Independence. I will try and apply this when i find myself checking.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Pingman, I hope you will try real hard to believe your anxiety or pain is 100 percent from TMS repressed emotions.
98 percent is close, but not enough. Your unconscious mind wants you to believe 100 percent.

It isn't easy, I know. I held out too, but finally healed when I accepted TMS 100 percent.

At the same time, take Alex's advice and stop worrying about your eyes. Let up on yourself. Relax more.
Do more deep breathing and positive thinking.

Find ways to be happy and take your mind off your fears.

 

[Pingman]

Pingman, I hope you will try real hard to believe your anxiety or pain is 100 percent from TMS repressed emotions.
98 percent is close, but not enough. Your unconscious mind wants you to believe 100 percent.

It isn't easy, I know. I held out too, but finally healed when I accepted TMS 100 percent.

At the same time, take Alex's advice and stop worrying about your eyes. Let up on yourself. Relax more.
Do more deep breathing and positive thinking.

Find ways to be happy and take your mind off your fears.

Thanks Walt...appreciate the support. I wan't to believe it at 100%. My mind is still full of all the Dr. Google knowledge and the one thing that still gets me is Lyme Disease. Since I hunt I have wondered this. I am sure my GP would have thought about it though.

Here's to a relaxing weekend...trying to start again to get 100% and worry less about symptoms.