Crocodile
New Member
I have been an on-and-off lurker for a while now. I haven't placed much emphasis on TMS over the last months, and focused more on approaching my pains structurally rather than emotionally. I would not say that I am disabled anymore, which led me to believe that TMS isn't the issue. Ergonomic adjustments, such as avoiding activities that cause flare-ups, and exercise adjustments, have helped quite a bit. However, I still can't use a pencil for long periods of time without inducing some level of pain. I still have a fear of many activities, and it's often subconscious. It limits me in many ways.
I've tried the SEP many times when I'd go into a phase of believing that the issue is TMS. Due to ADHD, OCD, perfectionism, and fear, I'd quit every time. In fact, I'd go so far to the other side so quickly, wondering "Why would I think that this was TMS?" and I'd get rid of my journal every time. Yet, I have phases in my life where OCD becomes a nightmare. I'd hyperfocus on one thing for hours, obsessing over it. I have a constant fear that if I do something wrong, I'll make pain worse. It subconsciously guides many of my movements. It's so deeply engrained that it almost seems like I don't even bother worrying. It's just a habit at this point. A thought such as "don't hold the pencil this way" can slip by in an instant, and I sometimes won't realize it was there.
I've noticed that, after writing about my emotions, or having a good therapy session, that my OCD is temporarily weakened. This must be indicative of TMS. Even if TMS isn't the cause of my physical issues, then it must be the cause of my OCD. I know that I should do the SEP. It has a lot of potential to solve a lot of my issues. Yet, I avoid it. Here are some of the reasons I haven't gotten back into the SEP that I've identified and am now working towards correcting.
1. I want to avoid rushing as recommended. So, because I'm starting from the beginning, I must re-read everything, only go 1 day at a time, etc.
2. Skepticism in TMS. And yet, If I'm to believe this is TMS, I must believe it all the way. I must start using a pencil and doing other activities I want to do, even if they cause flare-ups (spoiler: I run away as far as possible at the first sign of a flare-up, especially due to skepticism)
3. Fear of not being consistent. Fear of fear. In 5 days, I'm pretty sure I'll back out anyway. After all, I do it every time. Why start again, just to repeat the same failure?
4. Fear of pain in actually doing the journaling. Too much typing / writing could cause wrist pain.
Here is what I will change this time:
1. Journal up to where I left off last time. Add some entries to my TMS List. Don't purposely slow myself down just to "avoid rushing," especially because it takes just a few minutes to write down the first few entries. I think this strong cling to "avoid rushing" is due to perfectionism. This could actually make the activity counterproductive. So, go with the flow and don't worry too much.
2. Continue doing the same activities I usually do. Don't risk any flare-ups. If the issue is TMS, then I might see some results with the SEP, and can slowly re-introduce the activities after.
3. Introduce this as a habit slowly over time. Add it to my habit tracker. If I really don't feel like doing it on a given day, I'll write a few sentences about why. I will also reframe my mindset. Even if this doesn't work out, it will net positive results for my mental health anyway. I should be doing this type of activity regardless. Realize that, even if I don't see improvement, it will have been worth the try.
4. For now, I will type, since that feels much better than writing. It is much better than doing nothing, even if writing is generally better for journaling. Over time, I may move over to writing if I see improvements.
I've gone ahead and journaled up to day 4 of the SEP. I added some entries to my TMS List. Tomorrow, I will recreate my evidence sheet with what I can remember. Then, I will continue through the program 1 day at a time.
If I remember, I will give an update on how it's going at some point!
I've tried the SEP many times when I'd go into a phase of believing that the issue is TMS. Due to ADHD, OCD, perfectionism, and fear, I'd quit every time. In fact, I'd go so far to the other side so quickly, wondering "Why would I think that this was TMS?" and I'd get rid of my journal every time. Yet, I have phases in my life where OCD becomes a nightmare. I'd hyperfocus on one thing for hours, obsessing over it. I have a constant fear that if I do something wrong, I'll make pain worse. It subconsciously guides many of my movements. It's so deeply engrained that it almost seems like I don't even bother worrying. It's just a habit at this point. A thought such as "don't hold the pencil this way" can slip by in an instant, and I sometimes won't realize it was there.
I've noticed that, after writing about my emotions, or having a good therapy session, that my OCD is temporarily weakened. This must be indicative of TMS. Even if TMS isn't the cause of my physical issues, then it must be the cause of my OCD. I know that I should do the SEP. It has a lot of potential to solve a lot of my issues. Yet, I avoid it. Here are some of the reasons I haven't gotten back into the SEP that I've identified and am now working towards correcting.
1. I want to avoid rushing as recommended. So, because I'm starting from the beginning, I must re-read everything, only go 1 day at a time, etc.
2. Skepticism in TMS. And yet, If I'm to believe this is TMS, I must believe it all the way. I must start using a pencil and doing other activities I want to do, even if they cause flare-ups (spoiler: I run away as far as possible at the first sign of a flare-up, especially due to skepticism)
3. Fear of not being consistent. Fear of fear. In 5 days, I'm pretty sure I'll back out anyway. After all, I do it every time. Why start again, just to repeat the same failure?
4. Fear of pain in actually doing the journaling. Too much typing / writing could cause wrist pain.
Here is what I will change this time:
1. Journal up to where I left off last time. Add some entries to my TMS List. Don't purposely slow myself down just to "avoid rushing," especially because it takes just a few minutes to write down the first few entries. I think this strong cling to "avoid rushing" is due to perfectionism. This could actually make the activity counterproductive. So, go with the flow and don't worry too much.
2. Continue doing the same activities I usually do. Don't risk any flare-ups. If the issue is TMS, then I might see some results with the SEP, and can slowly re-introduce the activities after.
3. Introduce this as a habit slowly over time. Add it to my habit tracker. If I really don't feel like doing it on a given day, I'll write a few sentences about why. I will also reframe my mindset. Even if this doesn't work out, it will net positive results for my mental health anyway. I should be doing this type of activity regardless. Realize that, even if I don't see improvement, it will have been worth the try.
4. For now, I will type, since that feels much better than writing. It is much better than doing nothing, even if writing is generally better for journaling. Over time, I may move over to writing if I see improvements.
I've gone ahead and journaled up to day 4 of the SEP. I added some entries to my TMS List. Tomorrow, I will recreate my evidence sheet with what I can remember. Then, I will continue through the program 1 day at a time.
If I remember, I will give an update on how it's going at some point!
