Day 3 A list of what??!?

I'm supposed to write a list of past traumatic events and experiences. I read that first thing this morning, 12 hours ago. The drama that rose in my mind was exhausting, to say the least. A tiny glimpse of what went through my brain this morning... What traumatic experiences? My childhood was nearly perfect. What, am I supposed to dredge up every memory and find that I'm repressing negative emotions? Find problems where there are none? I don't even remember most of my childhood. Oh, maybe I'm blocking it, maybe that's why I remember so little about it, are there really things that happened then that still affect me now? That's way too much drama, I hate drama. Well, I remember that I was not emotional. To the point where my friends, when I was 14, had me watch Beaches because they were trying to get me to finally cry about something. I did not. So great, now I have decades of emotions that I've suppressed? Which ones are important, if any? How do I know if they are important or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? So all that going through my head while the pain is rising. It's no wonder I've become brilliant at shutting it all off. My mind just goes around in circles and finds no clarity, just anxiety. I took a nap this afternoon. I feel better but now I need to make these lists. This is me procrastinating. Not looking forward to it.

 

Hi, ElizabethG. Don't stress about not being able to come up with past traumatic events and experiences. You've just begun the SEProgram and it can take a while to discover any emotion(s) causing your subconscious to give you pain. But the fact that you say were were not very emotional as a child, and may not be as an adult, may be the main thing causing your symptoms (by the way, what are they?) Do you think you are a stoic? I have some friends who are stoics, who hide their emotions. It isn't healthy for them, and for those around them including their loved ones.

Just do what you can each day with the things the SEProgram asks of you. If something doesn't "work" that day, just move on to the rest. The more journaling you can do, the better. Sometimes it takes us a while to uncover something we never thought troubled us or made us angry.

You don't like drama... maybe write yourself a letter about your emotions. You don't have to share them with others or in the posts here.

Try to be easier on yourself. Let yourself relax through deep breathing and maybe try laughing.

 

Hi ElizabethG,

I appreciate Walt's response and want to agree about not putting pressure on yourself at this point about this assignment. What needs to be seen, and understood and felt will reveal itself over time, in the right way. Be gentle with yourself. Just contemplating this assignment seems to have brought up anxiety and frustration. You can start with writing about that, or noticing it just as it is, nothing to fix.

With TMS symptoms we look for relief, and then when we start engaging a "program" we're naturally putting pressure on ourselves to do it right and do it fast, and make it effective. I hope you can see all this with compassion for yourself in your current situation.

Andy B.

 

Thanks Walt. I didn't realize I was only supposed to do a few but I ended up just writing down any negative memory even though they seemed minor. It wasn't that bad after all. I didn't go into details as it seems I should journal in detail later. Anyway, not sure why I reacted so strongly.

I don't know that I'm stoic. Or at least that I am not anymore. Things changed in college. But I do know that I put no value on anger or worry as I see them as a lack of patience and lack of faith respectively. I can mentally understand that all emotions are indicative of something and should be addressed. I'll keep journaling. I still need to watch those videos you sent along.

Thanks for the help!

 

I can read the words to be compassionate for myself and Walt saying to be patient with myself but I'm not sure how that translates, what it looks like in practice. An odd concept. I will journal on that, maybe it will help me if I deal with that first. Thanks. I appreciate it.

 

Hi Elizabeth,
Just contemplating self compassion, and observing your relationship with the idea is a great start. You can begin to observe moments when your natural love for yourself arises, and alternatively when this quality of care for yourself is lacking. No hurry! You're on your way. I am happy this has gotten your attention.
Andy B.