A hardened heart

[Karen]

This topic could be posted somewhere but I thought I would throw it out there and see if anyone else has gone through this in their journey. I am reading, investigating, celebrating, journaling and working through the pain by trying to act as normal as I can. And as I read the posts; I see the anger, anxiety and tears and I almost shed a few of my own tears as I read everyone's story and struggle..

But I can't cry right now. My heart is too hardened. I have put a shield around my heart and I can't break the huge glacier of ice that I've built up over the last 5 years. I feel dead inside except that I am feeling 'hope' in this recovery.

I know if I could cry and allow all my emotions out and let go of all the hurt I will heal faster.(I do cry tears from the physical pain??) I almost started to cry this morning but I don't want to feel anymore emotional pain. Has anyone ever experienced this. I am a 'crier' by nature because I have a very sensitive personality......but right now....I'm a 'hardened ole' gal!!

I am intellectualizing everything!! Help!!

 

[plum]

Oh, bless you sweetheart.

May the kindness of friendship
warm the coldness
and refresh your remembrance
that you are a child of the earth.

May your fragility
seed new hopes.
May the harvest
be all the beauty you've held inside.

 

[Leslie]

I too, am a crier by nature, except it's not the things that someone else might naturally cry about. I can cry for characters in books, movies, song lyrics, injured wild animals, and when I am angry & am actually trying to express it to someone (hard to convince someone you're actually angry while a blubbering tear stained mess). Now the things that one might "naturally" expect me to cry over - loss of someone close to me, illness of someone close to me, emotional pain, those I am just beginning to discover the tiniest twinges of tears over. I think it's part of the "pain tolerance" we build - took a long time to build it, it won't come down over night.

I think "intellectualizing" is part of the process too! You're on the right road, just keep driving!

 

[Karen]

I had a nice breakthrough tonight that I wanted to report. The sciatica pain was sooo bad today, that I have been frustrated all day...but I continued to concentrate on being 'normal'. I was out in my kitchen earlier tonight trying to act normal and a sad song came on the radio (one from my past) and I broke into a couple of tears and then real tears and then crying and then sobbing.......mascara running down my face crying!! I feel like some of the steam is starting to seep out. I was so happy to cry. I'm not as 'hard-core' as I thought I was!! Ya-hoo!!

 

[Karen]

I had a nice breakthrough tonight that I wanted to report. The sciatica pain was sooo bad today, that I have been frustrated all day...but I continued to concentrate on being 'normal'. I was out in my kitchen earlier tonight trying to act normal and a sad song came on the radio (one from my past) and I broke into a couple of tears and then real tears and then crying and then sobbing.......mascara running down my face crying!! I feel like some of the steam is starting to seep out. I was so happy to cry. I'm not as 'hard-core' as I thought I was!! Ya-hoo!!

The pain was minimal today after the big cry last night!! (jumping up and down)

 

[gailnyc]

This topic could be posted somewhere but I thought I would throw it out there and see if anyone else has gone through this in their journey. I am reading, investigating, celebrating, journaling and working through the pain by trying to act as normal as I can. And as I read the posts; I see the anger, anxiety and tears and I almost shed a few of my own tears as I read everyone's story and struggle..

But I can't cry right now. My heart is too hardened. I have put a shield around my heart and I can't break the huge glacier of ice that I've built up over the last 5 years. I feel dead inside except that I am feeling 'hope' in this recovery.

I know if I could cry and allow all my emotions out and let go of all the hurt I will heal faster.(I do cry tears from the physical pain??) I almost started to cry this morning but I don't want to feel anymore emotional pain. Has anyone ever experienced this. I am a 'crier' by nature because I have a very sensitive personality......but right now....I'm a 'hardened ole' gal!!

I am intellectualizing everything!! Help!!

I'm not sure if I can help you except to say I know how you feel. Not wanting to feel any more emotional pain is what got me into this situation; intellectualizing my emotions has been a big problem for me. These are things I am now relearning. It's very hard. Hang in there.

 

[Lori]

Glad to hear you could have a good cry! There are emotions in those tears.

 

[Karen]

I can feel myself softening. I have done much crying in the last week. I've had a total life change. In my spirit and in my physical world. (I will tell you about this in a later post) I can feel myself starting to accept the tragedies of life. I can feel forgiveness coming in my heart again. I can forgive me who tried so hard in this life to be perfect and was a huge failure. The thing that is helping me the most is that I am learning to trust myself again. I am learning to trust my instincts again. I am learning to give myself approval, I am learning to 'luv' myself and take care of myself. I won't let allow anyone to bring me down anymore. I've made my mind up. I don't need to fully trust the human race anymore because I have accepted the fact that we are all nothing but evolving, spiritual human animals. No one can hurt my spirit anymore - I won't allow it. I am choosing who I want in my life now. I am going to be very picky about this. You might even call me a bit of a 'snob' at this point in my life, I don't care ....... I will continue to be a friendly snob!! .

I will still smile and treat everyone with respect... and those who I feel like I cannot trust or if they are after something from me....I will walk away from them. I have 'wiped out', well over 1/2 of the stress I have been under in the last year.

I was so busy getting rid of all the stresses in my life last week, that I forgot to come here and tell you guys what I've been up to!! Sorry!!

I am totally pain free tonight. (I understand that this may not be the end of the pain - it's just a nice relief right now!) For the first time in my life, I am actually happy tonight. No one has the power to take that away from me again because I won't allow it.

Hugs to everyone of you!

 

[Forest]

Congrats on taking control of your life! Cutting down on all of that stress will only help you. So often we put the needs of others above our own that I think we forget how to take care of ourselves. It is great to see you putting your needs first, and it looks like your body is responding. You are making terrific progress!

 

[Friendlygal12]

Karen, this is great progress. Congratulations!

 

[Steve Ozanich]

Karen, you know how to make someone's day. What a great post to read. You did all the right things and now you're getting all the right outcomes.

I like the key words in your message, "softening, crying, changing, accepting, trusting, evolving, and most important, forgiving." I like the fact that you're becoming a snob too, lol. Just teasing. But it is part of taking control of your life again. TMS often occurs when we don't feel in control, it allows us control the pace of our lives when we feel overwhelmed.

The best words were, "I am totally pain-free tonight." As humans who possess both ego and anticipation, we will always have some type of effect to the energy manufactured by our emotions, but life is free now, and these things won't burden you.

You did everything right which tells me you have an open mind. You didn't fight the advice that people who had healed were giving you. You were ready to let go. No one heals before their time. It would be fun to talk to you soon.

Stay in touch,

Steve

 

[Karen]

I just want to take a moment and thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for being here for me. Thank you all for the encouragement that I have received here in the past 3 weeks. You guys are awesome. I'm retired now because of you guys!!! I've been wanting to do that for 5 years. 40 years standing around cutting hair, day after day is hard enough on the body. I've been working in a beauty salon since I was 14 years old!! I'm 'peopled' out. I desire some quiet time.

I feel a slightly bit guilty sitting here at my computer right now because I'm so used to working in my salon. I've closed it down for a year...told them all I was taking a sabbatical. It feels soooo good. I'm going to be a lazy slob for the next year!! Just joking.. I'm toooo much of a type A behavior for that.... but I'll work on that too!

Steve....your book was a amazing. It was soooo helpful. Keep writing my friend! I bet you have another book inside you?
Thanks again my friends

Off to the treadmill.....................

Your friend ...the snob, Karen.....

 

[Jo at Upriver]

I can relate to some of what Karen said. I am having difficulty letting go of the hurt I have felt from a person within the family. I am one of those people who wants everyone go get along and have peace - especially within the family. I grew up being told that was the most important thing. Now I'm facing a situation where one member is very angry with a couple of family members and I am part of the collateral damage, although I've not entered in. Her reaction and comments have been completely out of line and yet I feel I need to try to "smooth things over". I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Any attempt I make to reconcile with her would be seen as disloyal and there really is little justification regarding her behavior. In addition, she is the kind of person who continually has a feud going with someone in her life. My wanting everyone to like me personality trait is really suffering from this one and this whole thing is really contributing to my TMS symptoms. Any suggestions for stopping the ruminating, letting go, etc.?? Thank you!