3 things from my life that I remember .. day 3

When I think about the things that really shook me so many come up.

The first one is memories of my mother snarling at me when she was upset. She used to yell at me so bad foam used to come from her mouth. She also never had Patience for me. Whwn she divorced my father, I was told I was her "cross" (I grew up in Catholic home), in other word, a burden.

My mother never really had time for me yet constantly told me that everything she did was for me. This was highly confusing for me and in hindsight I remember feeling upset because her actions always showed otherwise.

My mother was also a huge narcissist . She enjoyed making me "pay" for things or taking out her frustrations about her life and choices on me. I remember one particular time my mother took me to buy jeans at the mall. There were a couple pairs I liked and she refused to buy them for me. The only way to get along with her was to buy the jeans she liked. I could also never get upset with her in public because she was a walking time bomb. She would leave me in the change room stall while she stormed off. I would be too embarrassed and of course, would feel like I wasn't worthy of picking out the clothes I liked or somehow, I wasn't really deserving of new clothes.

Another instance, my friend and I were playing in my basement after school. I was in grade 7. At the time, my mother and I lived with my grandparents and often stayed in the basement. My mother was on the phone and my friend needed to call home. I keep bugging my mother telling her my friend needed the phone but I was also careful because with her, it was like provoking a wild bear. You never knew what would happen. Sure enough, the last time I asked, she whipped me twice with the chord of the phone in front of my friend. It was embarrassing and I felt like we jut weren't normal and that I wasn't worthy of having friends.


Another time, I was dating someone who wasn't from the same background as me. He was black. Unfortunately, my family was very prejudiced and unaccepting of this. They'll say it was for other reasons but it was obvious they weren't happy about it. I was 17 at the time. One day, I found a tape recorder under my bed. My mother was tape recording my telephone conversations with my boyfriend. At the time I laughed but now I am enraged at the lack of boundaries I had. The garbage I had robbed subjected to. The constant targeting and criticisms and the lack of respect! I could honestly slap my mother !!!! I hate her for who she was!

 

It’s very brave of you to tell these stories and relive them. I have several similar memories and feeling that your story stirred up in me. Thank you for that.