12 years of pain - and tired of this life!

[Renate]

For twelve years I have not had a single day without pain in my foot - sometimes it is there for a few hours, sometimes all day. Several times a week it is so bad that I don't want to live anymore. I am active as best I can, which usually brings more pain. I think I have literally tried everything suggested here on TMSwiki (included all programs, podcasts…), read a lot of books on the subject, worked with TMStherapists, done many relaxation methods, worked with psychologists... and a few months ago I did the Curable Course . Sometimes after a new therapy the pain would get better for about two weeks or so and then everything goes back to the way it was before.
Since many years I’m am 100% convinced that it is TMS, I have no doubt!
Maybe the main reason why my pain does not get better is the fear of the pain. It is a vicious circle. But since I have already done so many many things to minimize this fear I am now so desperate and tired of all the attempts!!! I don't know what to do anymore... Have any of you had similar experiences?

 

[Cactusflower]

Renate,
Are you trying to cure your pain, or are you trying to understand why you have pain?
This is basically the dividing line of really getting to the heart of the matter. Intellectualizing and focusing on getting rid of the pain only created more anxiety for me, and I was doing it because my brain was simply terrified of accepting all the “stuff” that came up. Once I could be really honest with myself (ongoing practice) - about the real true reason for fears (fearing pain is just another protection for the mind to not really get to the REAL fear) things slowly started to become more manageable. Being kind to myself and not putting pressure to heal, but to be open to understanding was also key.
I did the therapists, coaches, programs, books..then I took another breath and slowed down. I learned to tell myself no. No more pressure. I put up boundaries and disallowed anyone else to pressure me. When they did, I taught myself not to react, but to respond stating my needs kindly but firmly. It taught me to say no, and to consider true self when saying yes. I meditated more and longer, lingering in the quiet mind. I distracted by “reading” audiobooks. Distanced myself from certain triggers (news), did the SEP again but very slowly, reading it one day, doing the work the next and taking 1-2 days off a week to re-program myself from striving to “do” it and forcing myself to get deeper. For me, this was the turning point. For you, it may simply be changing a thought pattern or a belief. I stopped playing the victim and began to see myself as healed. I started to do things again, slowly. Even in pain but try and focus on just being in that moment - that is the accomplishment. Not doing it pain free but doing it and finding some joy in being “there” wherever it is or who you are with.