swinner

My pain started in my left shoulder, down near the bottom of my shoulder blade. My chiropractor said this recurring pain required x-rays. Upon investigation, she diagnosed me with arthritis in my neck. I FREAKED OUT!! My mom has rheumatoid arthritis and it has been debilitating, so I heard the word “arthritis” and experienced deep fear and sorrow. From that point forward, I lived with fear. I may not have consciously felt the fear on a daily basis, but fear dictated my decisions. “I better not lift my daughter”, “I need to bend with my knees”. I heard “you’re too old for that” (at age 38, 39, 40, 41). I have daughters who are 8 and 5. I want to be able to do things with them, and teach them how to play volleyball, run track and field.

Instead, I hurt myself doing a front roll, I hurt myself doing standing long jump. I won’t do a cartwheel in fear of hurting myself. I have even stopped running (I was running 5 days a week up until this point), my favourite outdoor activity. With my latest diagnosis of “moderate” arthritis in my lower spine, and the pain I was experiencing, I stopped running to see if there was any correlation, and within 2 weeks I was pain free. “Must be the running” I told myself. I haven’t run since.

AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. Fear, anger, sadness. All because of you. You have also perpetuated my self-esteem issue. With no running, I have gained weight and don’t feel great about my body.

I’m tired comparing myself to others, feeling inferior to another’s accomplishments, beauty, or joy. It’s so ridiculous, I compare my penmanship with other. I say I don’t care what others think, but I must or I wouldn’t be affected in such ways. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

And as a busy mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend - I never feel like I’m good enough, like I’m there enough for the people who need me, like the things I do, the meals I prepare, how I keep my house are good enough. You put such pressure on me that I often feel like I will never measure up to such crazy standards. And so I shut down, push people away, and become an introvert. Funny, because most people would say I’m an extrovert.

It is so hard for me to make a decision. I weigh the pros and cons, and constantly double guess myself. Especially when it comes to decisions that affect my girls. For heaven’s sake!! I’m a highly educated teacher, with lots of experience working with kids. I’m not going to damage them irrepairably with one decision. Most times, it’s okay either way.

Well, I’m done with you Inner Bully. I’m done with you and your fear, self-loathing, and anger. I’m done doubting myself all the time. You will not control me anymore. I believe that I have TMS. I'm so excited to start this healing process.