Margot!!

I have had unexplained symptoms since childhood (3rd grade). A stomachache, a headache, leg pain, unbearable growing pains.
I was neglected as a child, the daughter of a holocaust survivor and a woman who lived through horrific incest and physical abuse. Money was scarce and both of my parents lacked the skills to support a child emotionally. At 6 years, I was sexually abused by a church elder. By the time I made it to my teen years I was fully convinced that I was too much and not enough all at once. I was taught that my thoughts feelings and emotions not only were not important, but burdensome to my mother who could barely function due to depression. My father was a compulsive liar and I learned early that I couldn't trust anything he said. My father was also the one who rescued me from the deep dark depression that surrounded my mother, and I couldn't trust him. Thats something a kid cant understand.... so self loathing started, I must be the problem, I am not enough so I have to be better, smarter, more creative, more innovative. I had a daughter at 24 and became a single mother. I started community college shortly after. When I got into college, the perfectionism and over achieving started. People pleasing, putting my self aside, ect. Pretty much all the things Dr. Sarno talks about.
Now I am in my 50s, I have done a TON of work on myself over the years, CBT, IFS, EMDR, meditation, somatic work, all in the interest of MEsearch (research) How can I heal and then help others to heal once I learn?? I graduated with my masters degree in clinical mental health counseling in 2009. In Children residential treatment and community mental health I work with traumatized children and families who lived in poverty. The children often had a story similar to mine. I found my calling, but noone ever taught me how to take care of myself. After 10 years in the field working with horrific trauma and complex cases, I left for a less stressful position. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2019. WOW, That was a smack in the face, incurable disease WTF! I changed lifestyle things and managed symptoms that way. Then about 4 years ago, my work world began to get toxic. I was in leadership positions in broken systems with fearful, traumatized people and that is when I had my first "flareup". I collapsed, I couldn't drive, I couldn't organize my thoughts I was taken out of the game. I took time off and changed jobs only to end up in another similar position, accept this time I was personally attacked. My work was stolen, my reputation was tarnished all by another leader who also clearly had some self esteem issues. My mental health tanked, the pain increased, I was useless on the weekends. I cried every morning and became passively suicidal... I had to change things, I couldn't continue this way. This past April, I changed jobs! I moved away from leadership roles and into clinical training. I have an excellent work environment now, with I job I love, my personal life is great. I'm fed up with chronic pain. It's time to break up.... Time for this to stop. The TMS diagnosis makes sense to me. I have decided that I have been misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia, I reject the diagnosis. I have decided to go down this path with everything I have. I feel hopeful for the first time in a while.