hne913

I was happily in a relationship for almost seven years, when I signed up for a somatic training that I was told would change my life. I was doubtful - i've been through years of therapy, rehab for drug addiction, I somehow didn't think anything could change my life that dramatically at this point. Well, I was wrong. At the end of the six day somatic program I came home emotionally discombobulated and completely confused about my relationship. I knew a day after coming home that it was over. Actually, I knew the moment I pulled into the driveway from the training. I was terrified, because I love(d) this person, and we'd been living together for five years. I shared my experience with him and told him it was over. That same week I pulled a muscle in my back in yoga. It hurt on and off, and I quit doing yoga for fear of further injuring it. I went through the motions of moving back home with my dad, a half hour away from my friend and my support system, and trying to discover who this new single self was. Four months later I had shooting pain down my leg. With no insurance, it was a difficult road. I saw a Chiropractor for a couple months, tried a physical therapist for a month, saw another chiropractor (think debt amounting) for another couple months, and then began epidural injections in my back when I was basically house bound and too scared to do anything for fear of making it worse. The pain fluctuated from a 3 to an 8 or 9. It was horrible. Right now the pain is usually between a 0 or a 3. Sometimes a 4. I am beginning to trust that I can do things, and my body is healthy and fine. I've actually believed that all along. When Drs would ask me what happened I always gave vague answers, because I didn't really know. It didn't seem logical that it was some yoga pose that caused this, because I wasn't feeling all this after that class. I would toss out a random pose or two which I knew stressed my back, but always in doubt that those caused it. I also felt physically strong and healthy. My body didn't feel crippled. It's just the pain sensation. The crippling shooting pain down my right leg that can be so persistent and so strong. I was at a point of frustration where I said i'd just do the darn surgery so I didn't have to feel this way anymore. BUT, I really related to what I read in Healing Back Pain, and I really believe I have TMS. I just wish rewiring my brain was a quicker process. Sometimes I get mad at it and I don't think that helps. I am like "why are you still doing this to me??" Which probably doesn't ease stress at all. But I'm learning. It definitely changes all the time (in intensity), and it's favorite place to remind me it's present is in the car. I'm learning, and breathing, and fingers are crossed I can keep up this rewiring and soon will be pain free.