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Hi walt thanks always for responding. Maybe i can get part of this out there is so much more going on. I have been storing & repression for many year i am 51 years old & seen it all Trauma with the big T. maybe writing this will give someone insight & possible be able to help Me. So here goes some of the memories I try to let go of. As a child i lived in shame because of my mother embassaring Me always. i started school at the age of 4 & as other mothers always hugged & kissed their children when i knew she was coming i would run & hide in the closet i was very shamed of her because she always put Me down & yelled at Me in front of all my classmates. I was quiet shy & barley spoke. My Sisters & brother always did very well in school but i was the slow leaner dumb one. because of all the shame i did fail 1 year of school. I was the middle child & my brother & We were always made to stay outside all day from sun up to sundown. We were kept totally isolated from playing or interacting with any activities. Childhood was not the worst or the best either when I was 11 & my younger sister was 10 My own brother Sexually Molested both of us nothing was ever said about it. As we got older My sister did start talking about it telling him what he did & i was too ashamed to ever mention it. All of Us left home young My brother & older sister graduated school at 17 & both joined the Airforce. Myself left home at 15 approx 3 weeks before my 16th birthday & Moved in with a guy 6 years older than Me his nephew also lived there. He was selling Pot & i knew about part of it but not the large amounts He was involved in. I also knew nothing about his involvement with large amounts of cocaine. this is someone i knew since i was 5 i was with him for about 2 years & His nephews body was found in a ditch shot & dead. about 6 moths later I went on a trip to Fl from Ny to visit My sister that was stationed at Eglin Air force base i was 17 My mom called & told Me He was shot 5 times & killed. I meant someone when i was 19 & got married the Hell shit marriage lasted 20 years 2 kids & The abuse & fear started the first thing that happened He kicked Me & broke My tailbone I could not sit for over 1 year & had to work Than the beatings with belts & whips left bruises all over My body the chocking & locking me in rooms The unwanted sex the abuse I closed my eyes to as He beat my kids with 2 by4s they were full of bruises & i was in fear of My life the quilt i feel for allowing all this to happen I had to work 10- 15 hrs a day to support them. He was lazy & would not work I worked a high volume job in Vegas & had to speak to alot of people He would daily stand there with his arms crossed & watch every move i made. i was scared to death & allowed the abuse to Me & my kids continue. My emotions were feared so much than My hands & feet would swell up so bad everyday I could no longer walk. after 11 years on that job i had to quit. i allowed Myself & my kids to be abused for many years. i finally broke free of him with him trying to kill Me. When my Son turned 16 he got him addicted to meth it about killed Me I couldent fight anymore there was nothing left. I have never been arrested or done drugs in my entire life.( I have smoked pot when i was younger) both my son's had severe behavioral issues because of what i allowed him to do. The cops dogs helicopters were constantly at My house they were all always in trouble. one is in prison now & the other just got out. They take turns & i repress & close my eyes. as i said i finally escaped from the frying pan to the fire. meant a guy i ending on being with who emotionally abused Me for 14 years. He is very destructive & smashes & breaks anything He comes in contact with he is full of angry & took it out on Me & like a sponge learned pattern i took & ate all the shit again. i was with him on & off i purchased property right net door to him & again the same pattern a living hell of more emotional abuse. the pain started 4 1/2 years prior to escaping him i had to move & am now renting a house. which my other place was paid for & is now up for sale. i cant even go there to get my belongings out. It's a major trigger & sets Me in bed or on the floor for days at a time even without going there i am in constant pain. Like you said walt it could be a conditioned response. there is so much more to the Big T i can write a book if i could spell. i diden't Mention prior My sister like myself is the nicest most caring givin person in the world who lives in a giant house in vegas & allowed my brother to ship his Son there because He could not handle him & He got on Heioin & stabbed with a icepick 25 times & killed My sisters dear friend that lived in Her guest house. His motive was her car. My brother is hateful & is in total denial & wont even talk about it to anyone. prior to that He was in prison for 7 years for locking his co workers in a freezer at knife point & robbing Burger King My sister like My self always trys to see change for the better in people & look what happens. The list goes on. I trust no one I am full of anger/ hurt rejection depression aniexty & severe non stopple pain. Yes i see a psychotherpist for over a year now. & yes i have been through the SeP program 2 times & have read sarno's work The Great pain deception . Dr Clarke they cant find anything wrong & Scott Brady Pain free for life Any & all help would be appreciated I am losing faith Help!!!!!!!!!!!!