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Eureka said: ↑

Hi, I've been reading this forum for a few months and this is my first time posting.
I hope that my story gives you a little hope.

I'm now 58 and was diagnosed with trigemminal neuralgia over twenty years ago. About 11 years ago I had a microvascular decompression, which is a surgical procedure where a piece of teflon is inserted between the trigemminal nerve and an artery in the brainstem.
It worked like magic for seven years and I was just like other people, leading a normal life - pain free.

Then it suddenly resurfaced but ten times worse than before, I ended up under the care of two separate neurologists as I was now diagnosed with TN, cluster headaches and migraine all interacting and triggering each other. I was off work for six months that first year and put on pregabalin and amytriptyline, which initially helped. Roll on the years, still on medication (and taking months off work, each year) but now having steroid injections into multiple sites on my scalp, trying all sorts of different (horrendous) medications - none of which worked.
The year before last I decided to go to a CBT therapist and when talking to her one day, I said 'I just want to get rid of the pain' and she replied 'Which one?' clearly referring to the enormous stress that my family was causing me (mum, dad, sister).
Over the years I've just put up with the pain (such a trooper) but this last year I'd been secretly wondering whether there was an emotional component driving it - but felt so ashamed at the possibility that I shelved the thought. After all, I'm a coper - the person that everyone turns to to solve their problems.

This year, I had a massive flare up from January - March and was signed off work. Desperate, I found a testimonial on the 'Curable' website from someone with exactly the same diagnosis as me who was now pain free - and I believed her story! Ever sceptical about people making money from other people's pain and misfortune, I decided to investigate the premise of the app (rather than sign up) and came across Dr Sarno. I immediately recognised myself and began vociferously reading, watching youtube videos and bought into it. This also led me to Dr Mate Gabor and his youtube posts and book 'When the body says no'. Tellingly, when I told my daughter about it, she said 'You're not going to obsess over this now, are you?' - what, me, obsess?!

I started the journaling and it was a revelation.
I realised that I had no idea what my feelings were as I was completely numb. Journaling and Alan's PRP have helped me to get in touch with my feelings, put a name to them and most importantly, stop being frightened of them and allow myself to feel them. As I wrote about an experience, I began to feel nauseous, I focussed on the horrible feeling rather than dampen it down with a cigarette, chocolate or by holding my breath and realised it's not nausea, it's loneliness and then felt a deep sadness, which I realise that together with fear, was the overriding feeling of my childhood.
I now recognise that I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household with occasional physical violence but always living with the threat of it. My mum, I can now see, had undiagnosed anxiety and narcissistic characteristics, whilst my dad seemed permanently furious.

I have been pain free since March and feel that I am really breathing for the first time. I really believe that my dis-ease was caused by repressed emotion and feel a liberation in acknowledging this. I no longer feel ashamed of it being TMS but am grateful that it has given me a shake up. A way of sorting my life out and discovering the authentic 'ME'.
Click to expand...

I just read your story today Eureka,

Thank you for sharing this. Profound. If you have not already, and you get this message, I might suggest you cut and paste some of this and create a success story in the Success Story subforum. I think it could help many others. And add tags so it is searchable, if you can.

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