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This is one of the saddest things I've eve read. Nicole, this is not who you are, it's just what you do. And there's a difference.

When I was 20, I read a book on Buddhism. It said that all life is valuable, and why kill a bug in your house when you can spend an extra 30 seconds and put it outside. That made sense to me so I started taking the extra 30 seconds to trap bugs and put them outside. I still didn't care about the bugs, but I acted as if I did.

And then a strange thing happened, after a month or two, I started to care. I'd put the bugs outside, and feel happy that I'd saved their tiny little lives.

Let me save you the suspense - you're not going to stop these self-critical thoughts immediately. But with awareness, practice, and patience, you can over time.

You believe that you deserve abuse because you were taught that, you believed it, and you repeat it. That's it. That is the only reason. There is no objective truth to that belief, and it is not set in stone.

And as you hear these thoughts pop into your mind, you have two possible ways of interpreting them:
1. I am having these thoughts because they are true.
2. I am having these thoughts because I was taught them, I believed them, and I repeated them for so long.

Take the road less traveled. Just that alone can start changing the foundation of your self-esteem.

Alan