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Oh, the people-pleaser, that altruistic being...Always putting other's needs ahead of their own, taking care of everyone but themselves...

Except, it isn't really true.

Someone asks you to take them to the airport during rush hour traffic...you say yes even though you have a million things to do...

You want to break up with your girlfriend but you know how hurt she'll be, so you stay in the relationship...

People pleasers do not sacrifice their needs for others, they sacrifice their needs to avoid anxiety.

Some people have a very difficult time with conflict. Maybe your parents fought all the time and as a result conflict makes you anxious.

Some people have difficulty tolerating guilt. Maybe your mom or dad would use guilt as a weapon, and as a result that emotion makes you anxious.

People-pleasers are not people-pleasing to please other people, people-pleasers are pleasing people to avoid the anxiety that comes up in the face of conflict and/or guilt.

As bad as neglecting your needs might be, it's not as bad as the anxiety you get when conflict arises or when guilt comes up.

People-pleasing should really be called anxiety-avoiding, since that's the true motivation behind the behavior.

So to answer your question, the way to become less of a people-pleaser is to increase your capacity to tolerate conflict or guilt.

And how to do that is a post for another time.

Alan

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