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Hi,

This is my first post on here and a big hello to everyone reading. It's really nice to find a place to discuss with what I feel has been happening to my body and am hoping this is the case. An advanced big thank you to anybody who is kind enough to have a read through and offer any advice and reassurance. Also, I wish to apologise for the lengthly post but because of the many things that have happened over the last months I needed to give a full description of this.

My history - I am a 42 year old man and have been on work sick leave since March this year because of what has been happening. Approx ten years ago I attempted self employment from home but this was unsuccessful and resulted in quite substantial and distressing financial loss which caused a lot of personal stress, the eventual ending of my marriage and many month of panic attacks both in the day and during my sleep. At this time I would very frequently wake up in the night in intense muscular pain and extreme panic. These attacks eventually ended with the help of 10mgs of amitryptaline at night but I experienced ongoing muscular and tendon pain only down the left hand side of my body only for many years.

Fast forward to the summer of last year. I moved back in with my parents for financial reasons with the plan of moving out again after saving for six months. At this time I was very active and was involved with a lot of gym and weight training. Unfortunately I had to stop this after injuring my shoulder tendon with a poorly performed lift. Some weeks after this occurred I had a attack and then another some weeks later. Both times I was in work and was assisted by my manager. I work for the social services assessing people for health needed and support and can at times by very emotionally draining. In January this year the attacks became very frequent when in work and when travelling to work, then started happening when I went outside which resulted in some agoraphobia and then in my sleep which was very alarming, with me waking up often times crunched up in a fetal position with the sensation of pain spreading through my entire body as I 'came around' from sleeping. This would quickly be followed by a very rapid heartbeat, strong acid reflux, head pain, complete body shaking and an awful feeling of despair.

After approx two months of these attacks I began experiencing widespread body pain and which is still present. It is very uncomfortable and effects what feels like my muscles and tendons, accompanied by burning sensation on my skin and some numbness/pins and needles in places. At the moment it feels that my tendons are effected more than muscles, with pain in the soles of my feet in my heel, at the top of my feet and around my ankles, in my knees just under my knee cap, around my wrists and hands, and the point where the neck muscle meets the top of the shoulder joint. These location can change each day which some days having deep muscular aching and burning and stiffness (and also including aching in the muscles under the tongue and jaw muscles at the side of the ears). The most frustrating thing for me is that the discomfort is very bad when I wake each day, stays with me for several hours but gradually wears off as the day progressed to feeling normal by late evening, but only to start over again the next day when I wake. This happens every day and is very upsetting for me and my immediate family because I don't now how to stop it from happening. The random out of nowhere panic attacks have now stopped but now occur when the all over physical discomfort is too much to bear when out walking for example. I also have now developed what feels like IBS which has been releived by OTC meds but have had to stop because of a skin reaction I had with them. A fullness feeling in ears and a what feels like a constant awareness of my heartbeat rhythm. My mum has said that I have been a hypochondriac for many years and I am aware that I am a very sensitive person (hyper sensitive). I am currently having CBT to assist. I have been assessed by a rheumatologist who felt I did not have fibromyalgia but that the b12 and d might be the culprits.

Its has been a very painful journey since the beginning of this year. I was thrown different types of meds by my GP; antidepressants which gave awful side effects such as suicidal thoughts and thoughts of harming my family and anxiety through the roof, Lyrica which had the same effect and gabapentin which gave some relief for a short period but then ceased so was stopped. I began taking 10mg of amitryptaline again to sleep through the night which worked but gave no relief for the daytime discomfort so I have stopped taking them and am trying other natural sleep remedies such as camomile tea before sleeping because I do not want to be taking prescibed meds if unnecessary.

I have had many blood tests, all came back normal except my vit d and b12 were very low and which I received treatment for. This was some months ago and I was hoping these may have been the causes for the problems by the treatment has not given any relief. I have had many ECG heart tests completed which were all fine and a recent brain MRI which was clear.

I have purchased and read through The Mind Body Prescription and believe I am experiencing TMS. It was very upsetting reading through the typical person type to experience TMS and felt I was reading about myself word for word - very low self esteem all of my life about my appearance and 'what I can offer the world' and a goodist who will do anything to avoid confrontation and put other people first. For many years I have also been attempting to pursue a writing carers in my personal time for financial gain, but for a lot of years have very much disliked doing this but still forced myself daily which very often resulted in feelings of despair about my future and my incompetence and anger towards myself for not being able do it well (accompanied very much by a feeling of 'blackness' and anger inside of me for being so useless). I have now stopped writing a couple of weeks ago out of realization of the impact it was possibly having on my mental health. I have also considered the impact of moving back in with my parents has had on me and if this has been a contributing factor, going from living alone (I enjoy my own company very much) to house sharing again with some uncomfortable disagreements and some resentment on my part with my parents in the early months of moving in.

Of course my complete worry throughout the whole ordeal has been that I have some terrible muscular or other system condition, and have spent many many hours researching on the internet but have now released this has probably made the situation worse. My fear at the moment is that because these things are happening when I am asleep that I have some heart condition that is being activated when lying down and asleep at night, and is something the health professional have missed. My first big panic attack in January was after a party night out with quite a lot of drinking involved and me having some cigarettes. I used to only smoke when going out drinking but do not smoke at all now. I was very bad the following day and my body felt 'frazzled'. I smoked regularly some years ago but stopped completed because my muscles all through my body would immediately hurt after inhaling the cigarette, a feeling that my body and muscles could not take the smoke in my body. The worry in the back of my mind is that the small amount of smoking I did in January has somehow caused damage to my autonomic nervous system and muscles, but of course I do not know this for definite and could possibly be me just clinging on for hope of an answer my brain can reason with or thinking to deeply about things which is not unusual for me to do???

Does this sound like I am experiencing TMS symptoms at all, and if so what can I do to break this very frustrating chain of daytime/night time changes that are taking place in my body?
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Many thanks again to all who have read through my words and for any advice that can be given.

John.