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I've shared previously that I started doing a type of Hatha Yoga back in July called Bikram Yoga. (Bikram Yoga, also known as Hot Yoga, is a type of Hatha Yoga consisting of 26 poses and 2 breathing exercises done in a 90 minute session in a room heated to 105 degrees.) I picked yoga as an exercise routine because it is truly a mindbody exercise, and I specifically picked Bikram Yoga because it is a considered a very challenging form of yoga. When I first heard about Bikram Yoga (pre-TMS knowledge), I immediately told myself that I would never be able to do it. It was just too hard. So when I got to a place in my TMS recovery where I wanted to challenge myself physically, and also wanted to change my image of myself--starting Bikram Yoga seemed like the logical choice for an exercise routine. I signed up at my local Hot Yoga studio and took the plunge. And though I was consistently the worst student in class (which was good for keeping my ego in line), I've stuck with it.

Then, at the end of August I moved away for a temporary work assignment in Japan and didn't have access to a Bikram Hot Yoga studio. But I found a recording of Bikram, himself, leading a class, and continued to do this form of yoga in my room on my yoga mat. I found that Bikram is quite a character and has a very different style of leading a class then I was exposed to in my American yoga studio, though the instructions on how to perform the poses are exactly the same. The difference is that Bikram talks quite a bit about pain and suffering throughout the instruction. He starts out the session with "Welcome to Bikram's torture chamber! 90 minutes to kill yourself!" And before one back bending posture, he states "Trust me, your back is going to hurt like hell." My American teachers never said anything about pain or suffering. Listening to Bikram a few times, it finally occurred to me, It's supposed to hurt. I had thought I was feeling pain doing the postures because I was out of shape, I was getting old, I had some structural problems (sound familiar?), I had TMS, etc. But now I realized that it was normal to feel pain while doing this form of yoga.

I struggled along and noticed some minimal progress in doing the poses. Then I read Bikram's book, and in it someone stated that they had struggled through the postures until they finally realized that the key was to relax while holding the pose. So I started to experiment with this. First I noticed how I typically did the postures, which, when I felt the pain, went like this: recoil=>tense=>resist. And my thought process was This is terrible. When will it be over? Please let it be over. So I tried changing this dynamic to: breathe=>relax=>accept; and my thought process to This moment is the only one there is. Relax. Breathe. Explore.

This completely changed my experience of doing yoga, and my progress improved significantly after these revelations. I can now do postures I never thought possible. Still, there are a few poses that I can hardly begin, which just means that there are many more opportunities for growth ahead of me. They say yoga is endless in that there is always something new to learn while exploring a posture.

Prior to this I understood intellectually that the key to dealing with pain was relaxation and acceptance. But the experience of repeatedly and deliberately creating pain by pushing my body into a challenging position, holding it, and then coping with that pain, has given me the true mindbody experience of what was previously only a cognitive understanding. And practicing this new skill over and over is gradually giving me the confidence that I can cope successfully with any pain that comes my way, on or off the yoga mat, whether physical or emotional. All I have to do is remind myself, This is the only moment there is, and breathe=>relax=>accept.

Namaste