Day 3 Overwhelmed.

Just read through SEP day 3 ready to do the task when my son goes to bed. I re read the accepting the diagnosis section and I’ve realised the pain being TMS is more scary to me than it being due to my structural abnormalities. While I truly believe it’s TMS I think subconsciously because of this I don’t want to accept it.

I know my inner dialogue is awful, it’s critical and judgy and just mean. I think this is why it scares me so much because I’ve never been able to stop it and I have no idea where it stems from and I have the same feelings about my pain. I’ve been journaling for the last 3months and although I have had a small reduction in pain I don’t know where else to go from here (hence starting this programme to try and uncover things) but I just feel overwhelmed today with sadness and exhaustion from being in pain.

I need to start believing in myself that I can do this, does anyone else have these issues?

 

I hear you Gemma
I'm on day 7 and currently no symptoms relief but I have spiralled less this week which is so welcoming. It really is exhausting sometimes I just want my mind to be quiet. Before these symptoms started 10 months ago my mind was super chilled.
I was also more scared of a TMS diagnosis, I guess because it means I have to do the work and try to stop trying so hard ( as a perfectionists this is the hardest bit).
I think I was hoping my brain scan would show something and a doctor would take over and 'fix' me. But I have to say I've had more days of acceptance and almost enjoyment with some of the reading and daily tasks.
This community has been amazing and I'm sure some more experienced and wise TMSers will add comments that are more helpful than mine.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone in the way you are feeling and there are so many success stories we have to believe we can also improve with time, patients and consistency.
Do you have any time of the day when you have some relief from your symptoms?
I genuinely hope this programme can ease you pain and exhaustion.

 

Thank you for your reply,
I also feel like my mind was super chill a year ago before all of this, but in saying that I know that inner critic was there a lot, I remember putting myself down whether it be my appearance or telling myself that no one wanted me there in social situations, but I feel like I brushed it off whereas now these thoughts can reduce me to tears.

The not trying too hard is just so out of a perfectionists comfort zone, I try hard in everything I do so sitting back and allowing things to be when they feel terrible is so tough.

I can relate with wanting them to find something, I was told by my eye doctor that although my eyes are severely dry the only thing that would explain my level of pain is nerve damage, so I travelled 6hrs to have my corneal nerves looked at and they are fine so the burning pain is not coming from them, partial relief because who wants nerve damage but also then realising my brain has done it is so scary to me.

I do find myself looking forward to seeing what is in store each day as its giving me something to work towards, the only thing is it's a lot of reading for burning eyes but I'm getting through it ok just now.

I get symptom relief whilst eating (random) and whilst in a really hot bath, sometimes if I'm really lucky I might get an hour in the evening when the pain reduces slightly but it doesn't happen often.

I really hope it works for you too.

 

"sitting back and allowing things to be when they feel terrible is so tough."

This is the work, and yes, it's hard because you've been trained to feel like you are not enough unless you strive and do.
Keep on doing the work. It takes time for all the "stuff" that has been etched into the brain to sort itself out, and remember that you are fine, and there is NOTHING at all wrong with you.
You can be sensitive, but you want to learn to have some boundaries for your own self-preservation.
You are made to feel it all. The hard stuff, and when the time comes, you will feel the joys of life more fully too.
Have compassion for yourself when the road gets rocky, but keep going. The fact you've even bothered to try this road is far more than most people would do for themselves, which makes you pretty kick ass.

The fact that there are times when your "pain reduces slightly" is a huge win. It shows that you can absolutely do this!

 

I think I actually have more childhood trauma than I originally thought and I havent journalled much in that area, I've always thought I had a pretty 'normal' upbringing and to complain about it would be a disservice to my parents, but actually recognising nobody is perfect and there were definitely issues in my childhood.

Can I ask what you mean by this.. 'You can be sensitive, but you want to learn to have some boundaries for your own self-preservation'

Self compassion is something I really struggle with, I will try my best with it and replace my negative thoughts with more positive ones.

As soon as I learnt about TMS which I stumbled upon completely be accident after 9months of suffering with no luck with medical treatments it was an oh my goodness moment, I just knew this was it, it explained so much and when I look back over my life I've had TMS symptoms for around 10years I just didn't know it at the time. They were also things that didn't debilitate my life as they would come and go.

I hold on to those times when the pain reduces slightly to keep the hope and positivity alive.

.

 

@GemmaLeanne
Like you, I thought I had a pretty "normal" childhood, but I was sensitive to the things I was "taught" by a needy parent and thus utilized many of the TMS personality traits without having any idea at all that was what I was doing. And like you, became VERY hard on myself. I had no idea. The idea of "sensitivity" - some kids may have been brought up in a similar situation as I was; taught through criticism, even though there was love it was not often offered freely, and I was often harshly judged. There were always strings attached. I'm sure my Mom had no idea herself that she had fallen into those habits. However, another kid raised in this environment may have thrived.
What ends up, is that we are deprived of "adulting" in many ways because our parents couldn't do it... those skills which really help people navigate the world and others. Learning to set boundaries - boundaries are for ourselves, but are like promises to ourselves not to let others cross. When they cross them, we decide what we will do about it. Probably unlike the little things you experienced growing up - like if you crossed someone elses boundary YOU were punished. That's not how boundaries work. It takes time to get there.

I encourage you to let go of the stories of your suffering. Releasing the chronic pain is one thing - but TMS brings a host of symptoms including psychological symptoms like anxiety, fear, and putting yourself in a bit of a victim role. You can break that habit by recognizing that TMS is a normal and natural function of the mind - not an illness, or a diagnoses or syndrome of any kind. This is self-compassion.
Self compassion is not just about replacing "negative" thoughts with positive thoughts - it's noticing the false thoughts and choosing TRUE thoughts. "Positivity" if not true is another habit that can sweep hard emotions under the rug. It's OK to have hard emotions, to find this journey difficult and to recognize all you've suffered. It takes time to build belief that you CAN feel so much better and not feel "debilitated".

1. Evidence Sheet - begin writing down times you either didn't focus on symptoms or didn't notice them. No specific time or date, just a general running list eg. Today I sat for a coffee break and for 5 minutes I didn't even notice my symptoms!

2. Keep up with your journaling. Lean into any emotions and then lean into them further. Often there is one "acceptable" layer of emotion we can get to, but there's other junk lurking underneath. Dr. Sarno specifically talks about the rage we don't even know we have. Don't worry about days that not much comes up. Every day you journal right now is a success. Whenever you need to express your emotions, do it as much as possible. It's OK to cry lots, you shed tears for that little you who put up with so much crap all her life. Eventually, she'll start feeling so much better.

The sadness and exhaustion are very much TMS symptoms and it's OK to feel that way. Know it's just where you are now, and you won't be there forever. Have patience with yourself. This work is hard.

3. Find things you enjoy or begin participating in things you used to enjoy but find it hard to enjoy now. Do these things without any purpose or reason other than just to do them.

4. Claire Weekes may see oldfashioned but her books talk directly about the anxiety, the depression, the times we have so much emotion and the other times we don't feel anything much at all, and the swirl of thoughts...she gives great direction of what to do with it all. Her books are small and people also have put up videos of her reading her own audio books. Those are fun because she really does sound like a little old Australian lady. It's like having grandma read you a book.

I love that you know you are in the right place. That is absolutely half the battle. Stick with it and you should begin to see changes. Keep on asking questions!

 

I do think that like you I had a lot of criticism as a child which I'd buried and it makes sense why things have come up now as my mum now criticises my parenting which I know infuriates me.

I definitely suffer with anxiety and I do feel like a victim (or I did before starting on my TMS work) before that I was always asking why me but I now understand why it's happened to me.

I like the idea of the evidence sheet but not to date it as our minds fixate on those things otherwise!

I did have a journalling session a few weeks ago where I got to something deeper, I cried more than I think I ever had and when I stopped I realised my pain in my eyes had gone (usually it gets a lot worse when I cry) I did then have stomach pain for about 10mins, then it went back to eye pain.

I am currently listening to one of Dr Sarnos books but I will add Claire Weekes book to listen to after!

Thank you for taking your time to give me such a thorough response!

 

Hi, Gemma,
Yes, we all do! That’s the challenge, to keep believing. And that’s why this forum is so wonderful. It helps me believe. You are on a fantastic journey. And even though your goal to get better might seem impossible, it isn’t. Be sure to read some success stories every day to keep you going.

 

Thank you, I'm so glad to have this forum for support. I also enjoy reading the success stories!

 

Ah fuck that inner critic is a tricky little bastard isn't he !

 

YUP!!!!