You have to get worse before you get better

[Alouqua47]

You have to get worse before you get better
I feel like I am entering a downturn once again. During the first stage of my recovery, everything got worse for almost half a year; later, the main discomfort subsided a bit and plateaued. However, my brain changed its strategy: it spread the discomfort to my arms, shoulders, thoracic outlet, and back, and new symptoms began, such as an intermittent burning sensation in my legs. I ended that phase with more aches scattered across my body, even though the overall intensity level had dropped.
In this new period, which began in early October after a brief window of stability, my back is completely locked up and the nerve pain in my arms has flared up again. These past few days, my brain has become completely erratic: every day different ailments appear, coming and going, and sufferings from the past have returned. It is confusing and exhausting because I am supposed to be teaching it safety, but the system seems desperate.
This relapse coincides with me resuming my activities with more intensity and going on very long walks. My legs responded much better than I thought they would, but my upper extremities worsened drastically, returning to the severity of the first stage. I know my fearful mind is terrified by this increase in activity and is trying to slow me down. On the outside, I may look like a totally normal person, but nobody knows everything I have to endure in silence. It is hard to view having pain scattered across more areas as progress, even if it is less intense.
I live in a heartbreaking internal conflict. On one hand, a part of me despairs and screams at me that nothing has changed because the symptoms are now spread everywhere; on the other hand, that little voice appears, remembering the stories of others and knowing that this chaos is just a necessary phase of the process. I try to be compassionate with my brain for everything we have been through, but there are days when I cannot help but feel immense anger toward it, because I feel it has only made everything worse. I know perfectly well that what matters is my reaction and that I handle it better today than before, but the burden is just too heavy. Every now and then, I collapse completely. Today is one of those days when I simply need to cry, break down, and scream in silence, because sometimes I don't know if I will ever make my brain understand how to feel safer. I don't know if I will ever experience my brain truly beginning to recalibrate, where I feel that flare-ups last less time, the pain is less intense, or something that brings more stability to my situation, since nothing seems to make sense sometimes.

 

[Alouqua47]

"I have been crying all morning, I couldn't stop, every now and then. And now my brain, hypersensitive, is causing me intense pain in my eyes and upper jaw, and I barely even feel the pain in my back, elbows, and arms anymore. It is simply concentrating the intensity in these areas from having cried so much. I don't want it to become permanent like everything else! I am sick of this brain."

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Hi @Alouqua47, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. How is the emotional work going for you? Are you journalling and working on other stressors and emotional triggers?

 

[Alouqua47]

Hi @Alouqua47, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. How is the emotional work going for you? Are you journalling and working on other stressors and emotional triggers?

At the beginning of my recovery, I used to keep a journal to identify my past traumas: my father's alcoholism, family dysfunction, my parents' divorce, frequent moves, bullying, and low self-esteem. All of this kept me in a constant state of alert. Through that introspection, I discovered that I repressed a deep resentment toward my dad because the love I have for him was always more important, holding onto that pain so as not to contradict my affection for him.
Today, my life is peaceful, and I have no current stressors. My brain became completely sensitized and everything worsened after a difficult year in which my little girl suffered constant health problems, which caused me pain, fear, worry, and anger, triggering both normal and neurological symptoms. Although I want to know that I am improving, I feel trapped in the sensation that I am not. I have resumed many activities, and for a long time now, my response to the symptoms has been more neutral; I almost always move my arms despite the pain. In fact, yesterday I walked 12 km and was surprised that my legs didn't get that much worse. Maybe I am improving.
However, once or twice a month, a day comes when I get tired and need to cry and allow myself to feel frustrated; I know that before, these crashes were much more frequent. Other than that, the fluctuation and uncertainty of my brain are frustrating because I never know if I am entering a new flare-up. With my legs, it is easier to observe because the pain intensifies with physical activity. In contrast, the pain in my arms is not linked to movement: it simply fluctuates day by day for no apparent reason, occupying more space in my mind and body.

 

[BloodMoon]

In fact, yesterday I walked 12 km and was surprised that my legs didn't get that much worse. Maybe I am improving.

Sounds very much like you are! As you know, symptoms fluctuate, it's all part of the 'rollercoaster ride' most of us have to go on, on our 'journey' out of mind-body/TMS.

Suggestion: to do something different, e.g. meditate every day, if you are not already doing so. Something not very time consuming to start off with like this practise that I posted up elsewhere for Patty Cakes:

Rest into Safety

1. Find a position where you can fully let go, reclined on a couch or bed with your head, neck and back supported.
2. Feel the seat under you holding your weight. Give yourself a little time to sink in.
3. Think of someone or something that brings warmth and imagine them sitting quietly beside you.
4. Sense your breath moving in its own time. With each exhale, allow somewhere in your body to soften just a little more.
5. Stay here until your body feels ready for the smallest next step.

(From 'Somatic Healing: Soothe Your Nervous System with Body-first Therapy: Over 100 Guided Exercises' by Emily Winter.)

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Today, my life is peaceful, and I have no current stressors.

Whilst I don't want to undermine if you're doing well in this space, I worry about repression here because as they say the only people you'll find with no stress are in the cemetery.

How do those past traumas potentially impact on certain traits that cause more stress than necessary? I'm talking about people pleasing, perfectionism etc. Working on these were a massive part of my recovery, as they were causing lots of more subtle, internal stress (more than I was actually aware of).

In fact, yesterday I walked 12 km and was surprised that my legs didn't get that much worse. Maybe I am improving.

That's a huge improvement!

 

[Alouqua47]

Whilst I don't want to undermine if you're doing well in this space, I worry about repression here because as they say the only people you'll find with no stress are in the cemetery.

How do those past traumas potentially impact on certain traits that cause more stress than necessary? I'm talking about people pleasing, perfectionism etc. Working on these were a massive part of my recovery, as they were causing lots of more subtle, internal stress (more than I was actually aware of).



That's a huge improvement!

Thank you for replying. Apologies for not answering sooner; my native language is not English and I have to translate it. I have been working on staying neutral, taking care of my home in the mornings without pressure, and going out for my walks in the afternoons. I do have the stress that comes with having a young child and a teenage son; however, I imagine my brain needs to learn to deal with it. I don't think it is that significant, and I would like to teach my brain to be more resilient in every sense, including emotionally. Of course, there will be significant events in life where my brain will feel threatened, but I don't want everyday routine stress or simple things to be a reason to fear that they will always trigger symptoms or worsen the ones I currently have. Though, well, I know that my sensitive brain is just relearning that things are safe again. Regarding my personality, I don't think I have ever been a people-pleaser; in fact, I am the kind of person who doesn't like being ordered around, and I generally do things out of my own conviction, because it comes naturally to me. Of course, I know how to admit when I am wrong. I have been a perfectionist and hard on myself in the past, though not as much now; I try to give myself rest, do more things I enjoy, and take time for myself as a person. You mentioned whether my current stress might be brought on by past traumas. Honestly, I had never considered it before, so I will definitely keep it in mind and reflect on it. Thank you again.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

That's ok! I should be the one apologising for not speaking Spanish.

I do have the stress that comes with having a young child and a teenage son; however, I imagine my brain needs to learn to deal with it. I don't think it is that significant, and I would like to teach my brain to be more resilient in every sense, including emotionally. Of course, there will be significant events in life where my brain will feel threatened, but I don't want everyday routine stress or simple things to be a reason to fear that they will always trigger symptoms or worsen the ones I currently have.

This is where I think there's a real risk of repression, because, and you can correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds as if you're equating resilience with not having the emotions or pushing them away. Trying to remain neutral can risk not appreciating and validating your emotions, which is often a massive cause of TMS.

The best way to me to ensure that your emotions don't take a hold of you is to accept them fully without shame or judgment. They are transient if so. What you said above makes me think this too, because I know you were talking about the pain, but whilst breaking down once in a while isn't necessarily a bad thing, I wonder if part of the reason for it is because you're repressing how you feel daily. It's building up until it explodes, but if you emptied the glass so to speak more often/everyday, it wouldn't get to the overflow levels and this might not happen. This need to be resilient and stoic might be causing a build up of repressed emotion.

but I don't want everyday routine stress or simple things to be a reason to fear that they will always trigger symptoms or worsen the ones I currently have

They won't if you accept them and allow them fully. In fact, the fear around them at the moment and sort of wanting to avoid them (trying to be more resilient might be causing this) might be the very thing that is currently tagging them as dangerous. Your brain is thinking "well she wants to seem to avoid these emotions and is terrified of their impact, that means they must be dangerous!".

You mentioned whether my current stress might be brought on by past traumas. Honestly, I had never considered it before, so I will definitely keep it in mind and reflect on it. Thank you again.

You're welcome - more so how the traumas impact certain traits (such as perfectionism for you) and how this perfectionism is resulting in greater stress levels (which it almost always does)

 

[Alouqua47]

That's ok! I should be the one apologising for not speaking Spanish.



This is where I think there's a real risk of repression, because, and you can correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds as if you're equating resilience with not having the emotions or pushing them away. Trying to remain neutral can risk not appreciating and validating your emotions, which is often a massive cause of TMS.

The best way to me to ensure that your emotions don't take a hold of you is to accept them fully without shame or judgment. They are transient if so. What you said above makes me think this too, because I know you were talking about the pain, but whilst breaking down once in a while isn't necessarily a bad thing, I wonder if part of the reason for it is because you're repressing how you feel daily. It's building up until it explodes, but if you emptied the glass so to speak more often/everyday, it wouldn't get to the overflow levels and this might not happen. This need to be resilient and stoic might be causing a build up of repressed emotion.



They won't if you accept them and allow them fully. In fact, the fear around them at the moment and sort of wanting to avoid them (trying to be more resilient might be causing this) might be the very thing that is currently tagging them as dangerous. Your brain is thinking "well she wants to seem to avoid these emotions and is terrified of their impact, that means they must be dangerous!".


You're welcome - more so how the traumas impact certain traits (such as perfectionism for you) and how this perfectionism is resulting in greater stress levels (which it almost always does)

I'm not sure if my translator is doing a good job. To be clear, the neutrality I'm referring to is toward my symptoms, when I go through a period where they intensify, new ones appear, or previous ones come back.
If you're referring to the negative emotions that my kids might cause in day-to-day life, such as anger or frustration, I do tend to express them. I am not a permissive mom. I tend to raise my voice if I don't agree with something or if something needs to be corrected. Of course, there are always moments when I might feel frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to.
Regarding the idea that I repress what I feel on a daily basis and might explode at some point, it could be that crying every now and then might change the situation somewhat. However, I've generally noticed that this happens when I'm going through a strong flare-up of symptoms and I've been genuinely maintaining neutrality for about three days. That's when I feel like I emotionally break down, because I feel trapped in my own body.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I'm not sure if my translator is doing a good job. To be clear, the neutrality I'm referring to is toward my symptoms, when I go through a period where they intensify, new ones appear, or previous ones come back.
If you're referring to the negative emotions that my kids might cause in day-to-day life, such as anger or frustration, I do tend to express them. I am not a permissive mom. I tend to raise my voice if I don't agree with something or if something needs to be corrected. Of course, there are always moments when I might feel frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to.
Regarding the idea that I repress what I feel on a daily basis and might explode at some point, it could be that crying every now and then might change the situation somewhat. However, I've generally noticed that this happens when I'm going through a strong flare-up of symptoms and I've been genuinely maintaining neutrality for about three days. That's when I feel like I emotionally break down, because I feel trapped in my own body.

I got you and that's good! I misinterpreted. What I would explore is even some journalling, if not once a day then once a week, to really have an outlet and let things out. If you don't have someone to talk to as an outlet, then that could be building up (it can be quite unhealthy not to - and I don't just mean expressing things to your kids) and journalling is the next best thing if you can't do so with someone else