When the relationship is toxic

Hi all,

I was looking for a little guidance. I would love to know some measures people have taken when close personal relationships are the source of pain. Specifically, I have been in a very toxic marriage for well over a decade. There is a plethora of discussion about the internal (past trauma, childhood, personality traits, etc), but what are some day-to-day coping mechanisms when the relationship itself is the source but there is no quick out? I have and continue to do the internal work (also have a great therapist), but the daily interactions with my husband cause me significant tension and stress, ultimately resulting in significant back pain, etc. I am working on remedying the situation, but divorce is not a fast process nor will it resolve me having to have some form of relationship with him as he is the father of my kids. Hoping for some tips to prevent the tension related pain and how to talk myself down after such an event occurs.

 

I probably have some (or perhaps all) of my symptoms because of my relationship with my spouse. I do the emotional work to work through those triggers because my reactions are not his fault at all - he's a great guy. We just have some differences that over the decades can be annoying

My sister went through a very rough first marriage and had migraines. I think it's important to remember where you are safe in all of this difficult time that brings a lot of anger, grief, shame, worries and stress. My sister also went to therapy, she also got a divorce councilor who guided her through the planning of the "what if's" that could happen especially financially (husband was mentally abusive, personality disorder, narcissist, and tried to avoid his financial duties). She had to move out of the home immediately because she wasn't safe he was too unpredictable. Once the kids were of age (16 in their country) she had the child support changed to go directly to each child (he was much more willing to do that) and thus ended pretty much all her contact with him, she just stopped responding to anything at all after the finances where changed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to keep advocating for yourself. You seem to be doing that well with therapy and doing the work. Get more support for the actual mechanics of the divorce: it is often a free resource in many cities. Journaling is a great way to help day-to-day as is mediation. Find community at every chance you can get - it won't be easy, you have to balance life, the divorce, children but perhaps you can find any way to become part of something outside of those things. A book club: in person or virtual, or ANY club of any kind to do the things you enjoy. Eg. our neighborhood has a walking club that happens around the time kids go to the Y for soccer. There are yoga clubs in the park, book clubs at the local book stores, a woman's club, sports: pickleball, tennis, and just about anything else you can think of. Heck there is even a flower arranging club every 2nd week where the flowers are taken to local nursing home residence. Get your nails done, get a foot massage ... do the things you need to do to find a little peace.
Divorce is big. Your identity changes. That also means an amazing opportunity awaits for you to really work towards allowing people to see the real "you" not the role you played with someone else. Your mourn the ending, but there is also a new beginning on the horizon that you can find your own personal safety within - take off the old masks and be the person you are working towards being. It will be emotionally painful, it might be physically painful. Just be there with it, and feel the rawness of it all. Know that the rawness is temporary, the fearing the unknown is temporary, all of it is temporary and can change. Find the safety in that, the space for you in that.

Best wishes,

 

Thank you so much @Cactusflower! You are absolutely correct that I MUST start advocating for myself. As a typical TMSer (and as a mom), I've always put everyone before me. It has landed me in this situation, and I can no longer allow the fear to keep me from moving forward with making the hard decisions. Your last paragraph really hit home and gave me a lot to think about. My identity will change. And that's terrifying, but it's also exciting and liberating. As a friend just told me, a season of hardship is worth it all in the end. Again, thank you for your kind words. I needed that.