Day 5 When I was 37 years old event/experience happened. I FEEL....

Not sure if Im supposed to do a childhood thing, but I just picked the thing that has had the biggest impact on my life.

When I was 37 years old I got divorced I FEEL this way about it: I met her when i was 19 in college. We fell in love, dated, got married, were together for 17 years. probably 10 of those years were magical but keep in mind we were young and codependent and had no clue about a damn thing.

She got successful in a short amount of time around year 10ish in hollywood and everything changed. in the span of a single year she became unrecognizable. Money, power, pseudo fame was all that mattered. She became highly abusive (verbal and psychological), immoral, manipulative, pathological lying, uncompromising, the definition of pure narcissism. I was in total shock. I had no idea how this happened. I cried nightly and prayed to a God I didnt even believe in for answers or a reprieve every day.

It was the most painful thing I have ever been though. She was my world. I worked two jobs and still came home and made her dinner every night. I loved her dearly. And she became a person that literally didnt care about me, no matter how good or kind I was to her. in fact, the kinder I was to her, the worse she was to me. Its like she fed off of toxicity and sociopathy (like the hollywood agents she worked with).

I tried everyhting to fix it for 7 years but couldnt. Because she simply wouldnt budge, compromise, even just stop the abuse. She had started making more money than me (and I was doing well mind you) and suddenly become this "power player" in a glamorous world and thus she felt that she was far better than me. I remember I was sick one time and in bed and asked if she could please get me a cup of water and she replied "get it yourself what the heck". This was probably the only time I ever asked her for a thing. Imagine that? I gave her EVERYTHING.

Fast forward to 37 and we finally called it quits and I literally started an entire life all over. The divorce was a nightmare and cost me nearly everything and because of our incredible judicial system in california, she got away with lies, deceit, and took most of the money. It hurt me a lot. I worked so damn hard, and she got away with absolute murder. But we split custody of my little girl who is my entire world, the saving grace.

So how do I feel about it? I guess....how unfair and cruel the world can be. I cant make sense of it. You can be the best husband in the world and still be treated horribly. You can be kind, loyal, loving, and still be uncared for. I would have literally taken a bullet for her and she wouldnt get me one glass of water. I feel betrayed by the gods, the universe, and karma. I keep asking "where is my karma??" and dont feel like I have gotten it, aside from my incredible daughter.

My ex continues to bully me financially constantly since the divorce. Any little thing that doesnt go her way she gets lawyers involved knowing I cant afford to spend 10k on a simple matter like splitting up the christmas holiday evenly or whatever. I live in constant fear of her legal threats and explosions. Im going through one now (more on this below). I never use the word hate but I FUCKING HATE her so much. She is the cruelest most malicious and most immoral woman I have ever met. I dont deserve this. I never did a single thing wrong to her and have been so loving to everyone my whole life (my childhood of abuse made me overly empathic as an adult). So yea I guess I feel trapped, a hostage, living in a minefield. Its awful.

The current issue is regarding my daughter. I noticed she was a bit congested a few months ago and mentioned it to my ex and her being super neurotic, took her to an allergist and started immedietely escalating everything. The symptoms are very mild, just mild congestion n the morning and at night and we got new air filters and sheets that are already helping a lot.

But my ex doesnt care. She has escalated it into a full blows neurotic thing where she wants our daughter to have the full immune treatment getting shots every week for FIVE YEARS at $5,000 a year. This is unhinged and unnecessary. She is 11 years old and has some very mild reaction to pollen, grass, her dog, etc but my ex goes insane once she has made up her mind and always picks the thing that I dont want and then fights for it. My poor daughter doesnt want these shots either.

I offered the option of just waiting to see how she progresses or even getting the immunity drops, but my ex doesnt compromise on ANYTHING. Yesterday she send me a legal letter saying she is escalating the issue to the attorneys. I honestly cant fucking handle this shit. She has infinitely more money than me and will always get her way and completely lies and manipulates to do so, and Im unwilling to compromise my morals or even waste my energy to play these sick legal games. BUt she seems to love it and thrives off it.

I dont care about her. I only care about whats best for my daughter. Again, I feel completely helpless, trapped, and scared. I am so worried about my daughter. Its not just the shot, she can handle that, but taking an extra 1.5 hours weekly to drive her all the way to the doctor to get a fucking unnecessary shot will fuck with her psychology in a lot of ways. Its less sleep for her, its less play time with friends, and its her believing something is "wrong" with her. I dont want to put her through that for such mild symptoms.

Im struggling here. Im trapped. And Im dealing with someone that is capable of literally ANYTHING, with zero morality about how she gets it. Its a terrifying place to be and I have no way out at all. Im in pain.

 

is anyone out there?

 

part 2:
Think of some activities you really enjoy doing. If you could do one of these activities without feeling stressed out, without having anxiety, and without worrying about your family, kids, job, etc. how would that feel? Why do you not do this activity more often? What steps could you take to do this activity stress free and without worrying about other things? Do this activity this week.

just going for a jog or shooting a baskteball. i miss just moving without worry. but im scared now because im already in a lot of pain and doing these things has consistently increased the pain after the fact (very shortly after or even during the fact). and then its days of recovery after that which makes everything harder than it already is. i can try to jog a little on a treadmill though and see how it feels. it would be amazing though if i could move like that again. i will try.

 

Hi, I'm not sure how this all works. This is my first day here.
I just wanted to tell you that I read your posts. Your situation sounds so much like my brother's. With the exception that he's the one who has the ability to earn more money.
I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted you to hear from someone that you have been heard. You are not alone. I hope this program helps both of us with the pain we are dealing with.

 

Hi @sdiddy
I read your stories too, and they were heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your troubles. in my 30s I got a divorce from someone who was just as rotten— cruel, and even violent. After I got away from him, he actually enjoyed torturing me for years. at one point, I thought I would have to die to get away from him. But I had three kids, and I didn’t want to die. I wish I could say life ever gets easy— mine never has. But… I’m still glad to be alive. my faith in God has been built over the years— that gives me joy. I think peace has to be built as you go along. Because what other choice do we have?

 

@sdiddy
Your story is similar to my sisters in many ways. Her symptoms were migraines, which she rarely has now after doing TMS sort of work (psychologist). She is older, has an amazing 4th career, loves her life -terrific hubby, kids grown (parenting them has been a struggle but she is a great parent.
Life changed when she learned the word NO. It was hard, messy and scary but understanding her desire for unconditional love (she found it!) and breaking people pleasing worked. Even after being dragged to court endlessly, feeling powerless and controlled she found a way to take her life back and to stop constantly feeling so victimized.
You are doing the work!

 

Thank you all for the support. I would give anything to just be free of this woman but its not possible. I would even do anything in my power to work WITH her if she would jsut stop with all the manipulation. If there was a VERY GOOD coparenting counselor im not opposed to it. I just need peace.

 

Find a single father group that provides both fellowship and offers assistance (I mean isn't just a bitching club, but somewhere that people can help guide you), there are also fathers rights groups in California so you can learn more about operating as a single Dad.

Learn to set boundaries, a great place to start is with your X. It's VERY hard with a narcissist, and it's harder when you are a people pleaser but it is so empowering. You will have second thoughts, you'll be fearful, you may have regrets (they will be short term), you can say no and you can learn how to say no and not engage. Someone on the forum posted a youtube series (which I can't find now) with short and succinct videos about this. I used the method and it worked like a charm. You will have a different situation because for the interim you will need to have contact with your x, but it won't last forever.
My sister has 0 contact with her x now that her children are adults (and stopped all contact after the age of 15 or 16 when the kids didn't need a go between anymore), and that will happen for you too at some point if you learn how to deal with this.
Your pain won't last forever
You can learn to find ways to feel less like the universe is controlling you and that you actually have control over you (but not the universe). Keep doing the work and you'll get there.