1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
Our TMS drop-in chat is tomorrow (Saturday) from 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM Eastern (US Daylight Time). It's a great way to get quick and interactive peer support, with Bonnard as your host. Look for the red Chat flag on top of the menu bar!

Day 5 When I was 13, the grandfather who raised me passed away

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Wolfgang, May 12, 2025.

  1. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Peer Supporter

    When I was 13, the grandfather who raised me passed away. It was completely unexpected—he died of a heart attack in his sleep. And the night before he died, I had a big fight with him. I don’t remember the reason. It was probably something trivial and foolish.

    I woke up early that morning to the sound of voices. I heard my mother outside my door say, “He’s not breathing.” I instantly knew something terrible had happened. I wanted to see him one last time, but I didn’t have the courage to step outside. I should’ve opened the door. Instead, I stood there, frozen, for about an hour. Eventually, my grandmother opened my door and we faced each other. I still remember the confusion and guilt I felt in that moment.

    I wasn’t even able to attend the funeral properly. My family said I was too young to go to the cremation site (in my country, cremation is the norm). So, from my perspective, my grandfather was just suddenly gone. I never had a proper chance to mourn, and for over a decade, I secretly clung to the fantasy that maybe he would come back one day.

    And now, there’s my grandmother, who is still alive and living with me—she makes me feel love, sorrow, and anger all at once. I’m always confused when I’m around her. She was a victim of severe hardship in her marriage, had a hysterectomy, and suffers from various chronic illnesses. She constantly says, “I just want to die. Living is too painful. I don’t know why I’m still alive.” She says this almost daily. Complaining about pain is as natural for her as breathing.

    Seeing her like that fills me with compassion and love, but at the same time, I just want to scream, “Please stop! I’m in so much pain too!” I want to get angry, I want to tell her to stop talking about such depressing things, but if we fight and something happens to her, I feel like she might die—just like my grandfather did. So, I keep everything inside. I act and speak like a good granddaughter. But this is such a painful role to play that I’ve even gone to expensive therapy for it in recent years. And yet, I’ve come to realize that none of it will truly end until my grandmother passes away. Still, that doesn’t mean I really want her to die. I’m just confused—and guilty.

    And another thing—when my grandmother dies, I’ll be left alone in this house. My parents live on a different floor due to circumstances, and it’s hard to combine households. I’ve lived in this house since I was born, and it’s filled with memories of my grandparents. The idea of being left alone here terrifies me.

    I wish time could just stop. I wish no one in my family would grow old, get sick, or die. Maybe I’ve poured out all of my emotions now? It’s painful to even think about all of this.
     
    JanAtheCPA and Baseball65 like this.
  2. dlane2530

    dlane2530 Well known member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died at 13. It seems that several of us on this forum suffer from unprocessed grief over a loss of a parent or parent figure.
     
    Wolfgang likes this.
  3. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Abandonment Isolation, and Mortality. These are the most most powerful and painful and terrifying emotional issues that we humans, with our amazing awareness, are cursed to live with. It's the yin and the yang of our existance. The light vs the dark. The joy and wonder vs the pain and fear.

    It IS painful to think about all of this - and yet, what happened? Were you in physical danger when you opened up your heart and really felt all those emotions? You are, in fact, perfectly safe from any kind of outside physical danger, right? This is what you have to try to remember as you do this work. Your TMS brain has been trying to get you to ignore your experiences and especially to repress your emotions, because it is so primitive that when it senses that you are stressed by these memories and emotions, it literally thinks that you might DIE.

    To the primitive brain, stress means danger, and danger means death. Your brain believes that you must avoid the things that are causing you stress, which means that you must hide away from the world and not think about any of this. And this is why your brain creates your symptoms: to make sure that you are not well enough to go out in the world, and instead you stay home, safely hidden away.

    Your primitive brain does not care that hiding away in pain means that you have no life. The goal is not for you to be happy. The goal is that you do not get eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger.

    You were designed to fear these emotions, for pure survival. In our modern lives, this is no longer needed. If you can remove the fear element, and embrace your pain and your loss as legitimate emotions that it is okay for you to have, they will eventually become part of your life experience, rather than things to be feared and avoided. When you do remember - and you always will - you want to be able to do so with self-compassion.
     
    Wolfgang likes this.
  4. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Peer Supporter

    Thank you for your condolences. Yes, I’ve also looked up similar stories, and they brought me comfort. I send my condolences to you as well.
     
    dlane2530 likes this.
  5. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Peer Supporter

    Thank you. That part really touched me. I guess my brain still thinks I’m a helpless little child who can’t do anything! Self-compassion is such an important part of this. It’s not easy with my TMS personality, but I’m trying to understand myself better while reading Feeling Good.
     
    Diana-M, dlane2530 and JanAtheCPA like this.
  6. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    This book has changed my life! it really can help you feel better! I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. ❤️
     
    Wolfgang likes this.

Share This Page